One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.


Groucho Marx

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I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN
The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW
I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE
Not 'eight,' Dad, 'aids.' Hearing aids.
ALICE PENDERGRAST
I know one man who was impotent who gave AIDS to his wife and the only thing they did was kiss.
PAT ROBERTSON
I know one man who was impotent who gave AIDS to his wife and the only thing they did was kiss
PAT ROBERTSON
The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH
I can see why many people would not want to wear the 'stereotypical' hearing aids of the bygone era,...
GEORGE KENNEDY
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX
The hearing aids are very helpful for speech reading. Without the hearing aids, my voice becomes ver...
MARLEE MATLIN
I have serious hearing loss. I'm challenged if I don't have my hearing aids in.
AL JARREAU
She's one of our children I fitted with hearing aids. She's going to be one our poster children; a 2...
BILL AUSTIN
Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER
Dad. Are your hearing aids in?
ALICE PENDERGRAST
I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generatio...
JOE ROGAN
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who ...
LANA TURNER
I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD
I learned to speak first, and then to sign. I have never really known what it was like to hear, so I...
MARLEE MATLIN
Empathy is the new measurement of everything. It doesn't matter what religion you have, what God you...
C. JOYBELL C.
You know it's very difficult to be an actor, and to have people depending on you to say the righ...
LESLIE NIELSEN
Meditation is a state of mind which looks at everything with complete attention, totally, not just p...
JIDDU KRISHNAMURTI
According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is be...
GROUCHO MARX
The best dowry, a man can get in his marriage is a brand new house along with his wife and a man des...
APURVA GAGLANI
An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no...
OGDEN NASH
I am sure that, on the one hand, the Rothschilds appreciate the merits of Marx, and that on the othe...
MIKHAIL BAKUNIN
Every man sees his wife like an angel; until he gets a better one.
M.F. MOONZAJER
I'm fucking the grave, I thought, I'm bringing the dead back to life...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
The bulk of my learning - if I may call it such - has come within the past three months, after I bec...
LANCE LOUD
One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.
JOSH BILLINGS
To me, AIDS is an international epidemic and every country can be affected by it. Therefore, it can ...
ABBAS KIAROSTAMI
One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.
JOSH BILLINGS
The best argument I know for an immortal life is the existence of a man who deserves one.
WILLIAM JAMES
I am a Marxist... of the Groucho tendency.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
ANONYMOUS
I try to be the best man I can for the day.
JIM CAVIEZEL
Hearing is one of the body's five senses. But listening is an art.
FRANK TYGER
If I were offered a cochlear implant today, I would prefer not to have one. But that's not a sta...
MARLEE MATLIN
Saudi Arabia is taking a Chinese wife. The Saudis are not divorcing us. In Islam, you can have more ...
CHAS FREEMAN
The only other home I can enter without an invitation, is my parents home.
BEN OAK
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
MILTON BERLE
AIDS is an absolutely tragic disease. The argument about AIDS' being some kind of divine retribu...
CALVIN KLEIN
An unlearned carpenter of my acquaintance once said in my hearing: 'There is very little difference ...
WILLIAM JAMES
Perfect wife is the one who knows that no man is perfect.
VIKRANT PARSAI
The clog of all pleasure, the luggage of life, is the best can be said for a very good wife.
EARL ROCHESTER
One feels the excitement of hearing an untold story.
JOHN HOPE FRANKLIN
One feels the excitement of hearing an untold story.
JOHN HOPE FRANKLIN
The president has realized ... that AIDS is an epidemic. That we do have an obligation,
JOHN MCCAIN
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it
GROUCHO MARX
I'm particularly proud of my work with the Starkey Hearing Foundation for whom I raised a millio...
MARLEE MATLIN
Real socialism is inside man. It wasn't born with Marx. It was in the communes of Italy in the M...
DARIO FO
There is one good thing about Marx: he was not a Keynesian.
MURRAY ROTHBARD
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.
DOUGLAS PAGELS
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have and one of the best things you can be.
DOUGLAS PAGELS
He who speaks without an attentive ear is mute.
STEPHEN KING
The clog of all pleasure, the luggage of life,
Is the best can be said for a very good wife.
JOHN WILMOT (2ND EARL OF ROCHESTER)
I don't have a bunch of mates. I don't have a man cave. My wife and I, we are each other'...
CORBIN BERNSEN
Now that I am alone, I don't have to hide it; I don't have to hide anything any longer. I can let my...
ROALD DAHL
Listening to your wife is intelligence; hearing every word she doesn't say is wisdom.
MATSHONA DHLIWAYO
Self-examination is an important part of AIDS prevention and control. It helps HIV carriers and AIDS...
CHEN JIE
Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.
KIN HUBBARD
Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best
KIN HUBBARD
The gods alone know, what kind of wife a man will have.
UNKNOWN
The genius of the Marx Brothers is for parody. They never are themselves. They exist too abundantly ...
MARK VAN DOREN
One of the drawbacks of English is you can't spell things by hearing them.
BILL NYE
I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone... I'm just saying that I'm one-of-a-kind.
C LIONG
When people have hearing loss, I think they often take that burden and pass it on to their friends a...
NORM CROSBY
A man of guilt acknowledges and changes himself immediately on being hinted slightly about his fault...
ANUJ SOMANY
When I die it will be game over,... but I know one life is short, to be selfish is not the best deci...
DEYTH BANGER
I may be wrong, but the essential illustrative nature of most documentary photography, and the worsh...
AARON SISKIND
A man can love her wife, or he can be her husband.
LJUPKA CVETANOVA
It's not really that I've been an advocate for hearing aids for a long time, it's just t...
LESLIE NIELSEN
I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, ...
BILL HICKS
The love we have in our youth is superficial compared to the love that an old man has for his old wi...
WILL DURANT
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor
WERNER VON BRAUN
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
WERNHER VON BRAUN
Some people are too severely deaf to benefit from conventional hearing aids; a cochlear implant may ...
ANGELA KING
A man and wife should see the best in each other, should work together, should enjoy each other.
GENA SHOWALTER
One of the purposes of this hearing is, of course, to explore everything because we know there's a n...
ED WHITFIELD
A child's hearing is so critical for development. Even partial hearing loss can result in an impaire...
ALISON CASSADY
A responsive audience is the best encouragement an actor can have.
AL JOLSON
The buzz I'm hearing around town is he's a relatively unknown choice, but an interesting one. It wil...
ANDREW SHERMAN
You should know that I've been hearing-impaired, not quite since birth, but I've been wearin...
VINT CERF
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft, and the only one that can be mass produced ...
WERNER VON BRAUN
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred
LAO TZU
Just as an individual of pre-eminent worth transforms democracy into a monarchy of the best man, eve...
APOLLONIUS OF TYANA
It was an event when you could get all three of them on the set at the same time. The minute you sta...
BUSTER KEATON
I have the best husband a wife could possibly have. He's the best father my children could have.
VERA FARMIGA
This is the best kind of voyeurism, hearing joy from your neighbors.
CHUCK SIGARS
Hearing aids didn't cause any problem with my social life, my career, no problem at all, and I&#...
NORM CROSBY
I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying tr...
JOHN GREEN
The chancellor is an individual who has to act in the best interest of the university, taking into a...
BOB HOOPER
I have an AIDS ribbon tattooed on my arm.
RYAN LEWIS
His life seemed like a deck of cards, and in the midst of all those two’s and three’s someone ha...
TEKOA MANNING

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
[When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX