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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.


Emo Philips

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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're t...
EMO PHILIPS Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because the...
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KATIE COURIC

More Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'...
EMO PHILIPS When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't...
EMO PHILIPS I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
EMO PHILIPS Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're t...
EMO PHILIPS When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't...
EMO PHILIPS You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don...
EMO PHILIPS People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alib...
EMO PHILIPS I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.&...
EMO PHILIPS Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
EMO PHILIPS I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than ret...
EMO PHILIPS I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under an...
EMO PHILIPS I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
EMO PHILIPS You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run aroun...
EMO PHILIPS My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' head...
EMO PHILIPS The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of ...
EMO PHILIPS I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
EMO PHILIPS How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPS I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, yo...
EMO PHILIPS I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to ...
EMO PHILIPS You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being span...
EMO PHILIPS Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
EMO PHILIPS When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping ho...
EMO PHILIPS My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn&#...
EMO PHILIPS A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor wi...
EMO PHILIPS At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second...
EMO PHILIPS I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two...
EMO PHILIPS Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
EMO PHILIPS New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I sai...
EMO PHILIPS Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because the...
EMO PHILIPS When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of...
EMO PHILIPS Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
EMO PHILIPS Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume ...
EMO PHILIPS My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, w...
EMO PHILIPS When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits tryi...
EMO PHILIPS I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
EMO PHILIPS People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
EMO PHILIPS In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they g...
EMO PHILIPS I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know...
EMO PHILIPS Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If y...
EMO PHILIPS My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl...
EMO PHILIPS I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
EMO PHILIPS How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firin...
EMO PHILIPS I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wa...
EMO PHILIPS I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
EMO PHILIPS People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
EMO PHILIPS I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
EMO PHILIPS I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPS I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your ...
EMO PHILIPS I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run aroun...
EMO PHILIPS My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPS I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked ...
EMO PHILIPS I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
EMO PHILIPS I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
EMO PHILIPS Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
EMO PHILIPS You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked ...
EMO PHILIPS I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of...
EMO PHILIPS Friends are like television. Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news...
EMO PHILIPS I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
EMO PHILIPS Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi ...
EMO PHILIPS Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
EMO PHILLIPS The view on life isn't just change , but time
EMO STAR Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.
EMO PHILLIPS I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was tell...
EMO PHILLIPS People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
EMO PHILLIPS I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
EMO PHILLIPS At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second...
EMO PHILLIPS The flowers anew, returning seasons bring! But beauty faded has no second spring.
AMBROSE PHILIPS Studious of ease, and fond of humble things.
AMBROSE PHILIPS Little pains In a due hour employ'd great profit yields.
JOHN PHILIPS Save the Planet...Buy Organic
NANCY PHILIPS My galligaskins, that have long withstood The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts, By time s...
JOHN PHILIPS Students joining friends their age for graduation ceremonies can be a very special moment in their d...
KATE PHILIPS The governor understands that the contract allows Penguins owners to take the team to another city i...
KATE PHILIPS My hunch is this is going to be the setting stage for things to come.
CHUCK PHILIPS The flowers anew, returning seasons bring; but beauty faded has no second spring.
AMBROSE PHILIPS All these horror movies are slasher film now. I like them, they're fun, but they wink at the aud...
GINA PHILIPS The underlying fundamentals remain decent, but the pessimism is getting higher. The biggest hindranc...
ROBERT PHILIPS Obviously the commonwealth is not a bank, and it is not in a position to provide loans to county or ...
KATE PHILIPS We hope it doesn't come to that. But, at the end of the day, we cannot put the port (of Philadelphia...
KATE PHILIPS The governor cannot dictate to the commission.
KATE PHILIPS We will not be moving forward. It's disappointing that we couldn't bring this to fruition right now.
KATE PHILIPS If a person is accused of murder and there is a warrant out for their arrest, we would arrest them. ...
KATE PHILIPS The governor still believes it's appropriate for the federal government to take action but inaction ...
KATE PHILIPS The benefits per person would not outweigh the cost to the greater commonwealth, at first glance.
KATE PHILIPS I would not at all characterize the governor as being scared of him by any measure. Both are strong ...
KATE PHILIPS The governor rarely visits Pittsburgh when he doesn't talk to every third person about the arena.
KATE PHILIPS They made good progress and the governor believes there is a general commitment by all four caucuses...
KATE PHILIPS I think the Nasdaq probably bottomed Monday, and we're in the process overall of making a very meani...
ROBERT PHILIPS There is no functional difference between a wire-based phone call and a wireless phone call, so they...
KATE PHILIPS From a technical standpoint the market is in a pretty good place. But I think it's a classic summer ...
ROBERT PHILIPS They produced solid enough numbers but debate on the issues coming out of their trading statement ne...
HARRY PHILIPS The governor would maintain his position if the bill comes to him.
KATE PHILIPS The believer is not a slave to fashion.

ABU AMEENAH BILAL PHILIPS Busy yourself with what is pleasing to Allah, or Satan will busy you with what displeases Him.
ABU AMEENAH BILAL PHILIPS