It doesn't matter how old I get, I always act like an excited five year-old kid with severe ADD ...
CHRIS COLFER

To Grandma,
for being my first editor and giving me the best writing advice I’ve ever receive...
CHRIS COLFER

I was a lone duck in a swan-filled pond who criticized everyone.
CHRIS COLFER

Anyone can have a once-upon-a-time or a happily-ever-after, but it's the journey between that makes ...
CHRIS COLFER

You've got to show the world who you are before it tells you. Otherwise you become victim to someone...
CHRIS COLFER

The world will always choose convenience over reality. It's easier to hate, blame, and fear than it ...
CHRIS COLFER

Courage is one thing that no one can ever take away from you.
CHRIS COLFER

...because a life without meaning, without drive or focus, without dreams or goals, isn't a life wor...
CHRIS COLFER

Don’t listen to what people tell you because they’ll try to bring you down. And don’t listen t...
CHRIS COLFER

I’ve tried being other people and myself suits me the best.
CHRIS COLFER

A villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told.
CHRIS COLFER

I grew up in a conservative small town, and the gay characters I saw on TV and in movies when I was ...
CHRIS COLFER

Oh, I have this feud going with the L.A. Unified School District, because I keep getting these phone...
CHRIS COLFER

I wonder if people would learn from the Little Mermaid’s heartbreak when she dies at the end of he...
CHRIS COLFER

Even after years of constant abuse from her stepmother and her stepsisters, Cinderella remained a go...
CHRIS COLFER

Be brave. Courage is one thing that no one can ever take away from you.
CHRIS COLFER

Who wouldn't have gone to the ends of the earth to be reunited with the person they loved more than ...
CHRIS COLFER

Even in the worst of situations-even when it seems no one in the world appreciates you-as long as yo...
CHRIS COLFER

Once upon a time' These are the most magical words our world has ever known and the gateway to the g...
CHRIS COLFER

Right now, we're living in an ugly chapter of our lives, but books always get better!
CHRIS COLFER

It doesn't matter how greatly you've been hurt or how much you're hurting, it's what you do with the...
CHRIS COLFER

Sometimes we forget about our own advantages because we focus on what we don't have. Just because yo...
CHRIS COLFER

I hope to write someday and that’s even more terrifying than performing. You don’t just entertai...
CHRIS COLFER

Creatures of the Darkness
BY VICKI JORDAN

It was world of vampires and demons, wher...
CHRIS COLFER

People are not born heroes or villains; they’re created by the people around them.
CHRIS COLFER

I'm allergic to stupidity.
CHRIS COLFER

There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. And definitely get o...
CHRIS COLFER

I couldn't do country, with all due respect to all country music artists. My parents dressed me ...
CHRIS COLFER

I kind of did this thing in high school, a spoof of 'Sweeney Todd' called 'Shirley Todd,...
CHRIS COLFER

Then find out what your sword is - find your own advantage - and wear it proudly.
CHRIS COLFER

Bring a sword to school. Trust me-those girls will leave you alone.
CHRIS COLFER

But after being on the run I've learned a life spent creating enemies isn't worth leading. Having al...
CHRIS COLFER

You're just so confident and self-sufficient. So many girls - especially in my world - are so insecu...
CHRIS COLFER

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
No amount of money,
Can stop me from loving you,
CHRIS COLFER

Should we call her?Maybe we should give her a RING to see where she is? Get it? Get it?

-...
CHRIS COLFER

But anyone can write, right?'" Conner asked. "I mean, that's why authors get judged so harshly, isn'...
CHRIS COLFER

I don't necessarily consider myself a virgin, probably because I have such a penetrating personality
CHRIS COLFER

You don’t get to pick where you’re from, but you always have control of where you’re going.
CHRIS COLFER

Jealousy is just a reminder of the frustrations you have with yourself.
CHRIS COLFER

If you all will please excuse me,” Red said and headed out of the courtyard. “I think I’m goin...
CHRIS COLFER

Thank you for joining me today, Hoodians! I wish you all peace and poverty!”

“Pros...
CHRIS COLFER I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger se...
EOIN COLFER Good. Illegal is always faster.
EOIN COLFER Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
EOIN COLFER I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.
EOIN COLFER The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.
EOIN COLFER You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I m...
EOIN COLFER In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are sm...
EOIN COLFER Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, toleran...
EOIN COLFER Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.
EOIN COLFER Orion brightened. "I have an idea."

"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Art...
EOIN COLFER I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any tim...
EOIN COLFER No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's m...
EOIN COLFER Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
EOIN COLFER A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
EOIN COLFER That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked ...
EOIN COLFER Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselv...
EOIN COLFER What many people don't know about 'Peter Pan' is that it's a very violent book and H...
EOIN COLFER Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”
“Cheese made by dwarfs.”
“Oh,” said ...
EOIN COLFER Why no aggressive action?" Foaly squirmed in a harness built for two-legged creatures. "Oh yes, why ...
EOIN COLFER Holly is alive,' thought Foaly
'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon
EOIN COLFER Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?
EOIN COLFER So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?"

The boy extended a dripping hand straig...
EOIN COLFER How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally...obviously ...
EOIN COLFER I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of f...
EOIN COLFER I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?
EOIN COLFER Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
EOIN COLFER Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, Worthy Centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your ...
EOIN COLFER It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.
EOIN COLFER Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something."
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of s...
EOIN COLFER Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
EOIN COLFER If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.
EOIN COLFER If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
EOIN COLFER Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have trav...
EOIN COLFER Don't try to understand me, just be grateful that you felt the warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox's aura on...
EOIN COLFER Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moro...
EOIN COLFER I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped t...
EOIN COLFER Who are you?" he asked.
I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer t...
EOIN COLFER I'm kind of in the dark. All I know is that the screenplay is finished.
EOIN COLFER What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wo...
EOIN COLFER The trick to negotiation was to hold all the cards going in and, even if you didn't, to try to look ...
EOIN COLFER Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what...
EOIN COLFER Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.
EOIN COLFER And I will not be beaten by that jackass."

"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite u...
EOIN COLFER He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you t...
EOIN COLFER I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.
EOIN COLFER this was business.
EOIN COLFER Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.
EOIN COLFER Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps.
"Wait! Just wait," she called, ...
EOIN COLFER Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the f...
EOIN COLFER Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.
EOIN COLFER Certain battles were won by retreating.
EOIN COLFER Anybody see you come in here?"
Holly thought about it.
"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, M16. Oh, a...
EOIN COLFER Don't worry chief,"said foaly,"It's like riding a unicorn,you never forget.
EOIN COLFER What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?"
"No, Julius. It's the end of the ci...
EOIN COLFER Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team
EOIN COLFER But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.
EOIN COLFER If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That's the way history is written
EOIN COLFER Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP ...
EOIN COLFER Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly....
EOIN COLFER My bugs don't have bugs.
EOIN COLFER Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?
EOIN COLFER If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.
EOIN COLFER Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.
EOIN COLFER Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.
EOIN COLFER Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.
EOIN COLFER (to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push ...
EOIN COLFER I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shri...
EOIN COLFER Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.
EOIN COLFER I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the ...
EOIN COLFER The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.
EOIN COLFER I don't like lollipops.
EOIN COLFER Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would...
EOIN COLFER Trust me. I'm a genius.
EOIN COLFER Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that ...
EOIN COLFER Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed...
EOIN COLFER Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?

Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now,...
EOIN COLFER The little boys did as they were told, eager to please their deranged brother.

"Ici, g...
EOIN COLFER Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.

At least Artemis hoped this was what...
EOIN COLFER how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magi...
EOIN COLFER The only lesson I really wanted to get across,
EOIN COLFER I can invent my own creatures and give them their own powers. It was great fun.
EOIN COLFER I can invent my own creatures and give them their own powers
EOIN COLFER [When it comes to writing, Colfer admits to being a bit of a perfectionist. Over time, he's learned ...
EOIN COLFER He uses it against me, too. One day he said, all those other kids have their books signed by you, so...
EOIN COLFER [Right now, on tour, Colfer is missing his wife and two kids but says it would be churlish not to ap...
EOIN COLFER I was lucky I was never bullied at school - I had a great gang of friends.
EOIN COLFER A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladde...
EOIN COLFER Holly
EOIN COLFER code red thing.’ Holly
EOIN COLFER upprising.
EOIN COLFER Pizza, pizza,
Fill up your face,
The thicker the pastry,
The better the base!
EOIN COLFER Sometimes, Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker would be thrown out a high window and th...
EOIN COLFER The lucky ones hit partitions and went straight through. The unlucky ones collided with solid cinder...
EOIN COLFER Butler shot one of the half dozen diners a fierce glare, just in case she might be planning somethin...
EOIN COLFER Artemis took a chance on some calculated sarcasm. “Really, Spiro. Did you think I would attempt a ...
EOIN COLFER There's nothing more dangerous than a short guy with something to prove.
EOIN COLFER Jon Spiro might have “stuff ” that the military didn’t have, but Artemis Fowl had “stuff ”...
EOIN COLFER The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.
EOIN COLFER Together we will be unstoppable.
EOIN COLFER Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As...
EOIN COLFER The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can d...
EOIN COLFER You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy ...
EOIN COLFER So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?"

"That's right. My mother's folks are from Kil...
EOIN COLFER The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperanc...
EOIN COLFER When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?
EOIN COLFER Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only ...
EOIN COLFER (about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)
EOIN COLFER And one more thing. About my name — Artemis — you were right. In London, it is generally a femal...
EOIN COLFER This was a nightmare scenario for any bodyguard: stuck in the middle of a transparent tube, several ...
EOIN COLFER She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the mom...
EOIN COLFER You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.
'Nope,' I replied.
EOIN COLFER Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babi...
EOIN COLFER Red was smiling back at me. “Ok. I'm not in trouble. But tell me your heart didn't start beating f...
EOIN COLFER When you've come face-to-face with the dark side of the school yard, life doesn't hold many surprise...
EOIN COLFER Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.
EOIN COLFER Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
EOIN COLFER It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy
EOIN COLFER Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.
EOIN COLFER Artemis and Holly stood together in their underwear, gingerly locking fingers. They had crossed spac...
EOIN COLFER Young love is common, but that doesn't mean it's not precious.
EOIN COLFER Some people just needed to be stolen from.
EOIN COLFER They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enli...
EOIN COLFER This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot
EOIN COLFER The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.
EOIN COLFER Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you",scoffed Opal.
EOIN COLFER Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks?
EOIN COLFER Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The ma...
EOIN COLFER I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that ...
EOIN COLFER The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really fe...
EOIN COLFER Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but deci...
EOIN COLFER Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.
EOIN COLFER Artemis simple-toon
EOIN COLFER I am not exuding anything," said Holly through gritted teeth.

Orion tapped her shoulder. ...
EOIN COLFER Vinyaya was being openly antagonistic, and that was an emotion that could be trusted, unless of cour...
EOIN COLFER A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl
EOIN COLFER Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping.
EOIN COLFER I'm the nut!
EOIN COLFER Mulch's tongue lolled out, resting on the centaur's neck. "Mmm," he mumbled around his tongue. "Hors...
EOIN COLFER Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this ...
EOIN COLFER Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube...
EOIN COLFER Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?"
"Of course we did. ...
EOIN COLFER Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your ...
EOIN COLFER Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have th...
EOIN COLFER Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are sup...
EOIN COLFER Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."

Holly opened the throttle...
EOIN COLFER Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" cro...
EOIN COLFER Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before br...
EOIN COLFER So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis...
EOIN COLFER Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it wi...
EOIN COLFER Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, O...
EOIN COLFER Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.

"Not me!" said Ori...
EOIN COLFER Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?
EOIN COLFER All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.
EOIN COLFER Stupid. Stupid. Foaly, we are both imbeciles. I don't expect lateral thinking from the LEP, but from...
EOIN COLFER He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in ...
EOIN COLFER She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swatches in the...
EOIN COLFER Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: “But I don’t want to go ...
EOIN COLFER The others ignored him, busy doing what men generally do in dangerous times: putting on their trouse...
EOIN COLFER It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch," said Holly. "It's a pity he isn't a girl; ...
EOIN COLFER