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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.


George Carlin

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Don't mess with the best or youll die like the rest
LUDO MILNE Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell...
WILLIAM SAROYAN When you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You wi...
WILLIAM SAROYAN I'm interested in serving the time as soon as possible so that my family and I can get on with the r...
MARK MANGELSDORF As soon as you have reached this heaven of indifference, you are pulled out of it. From your heaven ...
JEAN RHYS And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE It's kind of a fun experience, though a little scary. I play a corpse and it's creepy to think of my...
CRYSTAL ZELK Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.
WILLIAM SAROYAN I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN Universe is inside you, and the burning sensation in your chest is hell.
YAMIN RASHEED George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY Well, I'm kinda like George Carlin. I think that there ought to be a time where everybody should...
MERLE HAGGARD You look at Richard Pryor and Robert Klein and George Carlin and Richard Lewis - those guys were so ...
ARI GRAYNOR I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY Your muscles will still be burning calories when you are at rest.
MANDY ANDRE George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking somethin...
BILL COSBY Maybe that's what praying is all about. Maybe it's not just asking God to forgive us for bad things ...
SARAH DARER LITTMAN Have a shower, Si," George urged. "Start the day refreshed. Maybe style your hair a little. It would...
CASSANDRA CLARE The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al...
DREW CAREY I have an action figure, and so do my parents, so it's odd that we all have these dolls of ourse...
JULIET LANDAU I am burning in the hell of my head.
HILAL HAMDAAN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose - it'll be...
GEORGE CARLIN George Carlin maintained that anything and everything is funny given the right context. This context...
PAUL PROVENZA I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER Hell, life was so hard that you have to spend a third of it asleep just to have the energy to deal w...
ANTHONY TAMBAKIS The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste...
WILLIAM SAROYAN The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste...
WILLIAM SAROYAN I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your li...
BILLY CRYSTAL It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.
PROVERB It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life
IRISH SAYINGS Whether you choose to move on from your struggles and enjoy life or waddle in your misery, life will...
GERMANY KENT A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and lov...
PEARL BAILEY It would be the equivalent of George W. Bush running for election with a family full of communists.
EFRAIM INBAR I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES I have flown with British Airways since I was a very little child, so it feels quite special to have...
ORLANDO BLOOM The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches...
ROGER J. CORLESS When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all ...
MARC MARON You and your family are dead.
CHRIS WARD Choose your companions from the best; Who draws a bucket with the rest soon topples down the hill.
WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS Be a little pessimistic now, and assume it can happen to you. Develop a disaster plan for your home ...
CAROL CHASTANG With hand on the spade and heart in the sky Dress the ground and till it; Turn in the little s...
ALICE CARY No, it’s not fair, but what makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like...
CHUCK PALAHNIUK And finally have fun with it. If you’re not having fun, your speakers won’t have fun, and your p...
OSAYI EMOKPAE LASISI You will know exactly what the ingredients are, you can introduce a wide range of foods and your bab...
ANNABEL KARMEL Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in...
CHARLOTTE ERIKSSON The fly that should be dead and the dog that should be dead in the house that should be dead, and th...
NANCY HOLDER I'd love to be a dead body in the emergency room and have George Clooney go, 'This one's gone!' whil...
ROSIE O'DONNELL Pull away, even though it feels like career suicide. Go home. Rest, sleep, recharge, have fun with y...
JULIE MORGENSTERN She often wondered what the hell was wrong with men. Sex could be fun, natural, good. Why did they h...
J. COURTNEY SULLIVAN Somebody once said to me 'You're turning into a mini-George with your little pranks'.
PARMINDER NAGRA You're always in a rush, or else you're too exhausted to have a proper conversation. Soon enough, th...
KAZUO ISHIGURO I am a bit in love with a new designer, George Hobeika; I have worn him a couple of times on the car...
DARBY STANCHFIELD It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it your little finger it will soon have your who...
SIGMUND FREUD It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it your little finger it will soon have your who...
SIGMUND FREUD I asked you here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someb...
GRAEME SIMSION It reminds me a little bit of the way we?re having our little informal meetings now. That?s the way ...
WAYNE KRIVSKY Spread love. Hug the people you care about and make sure they know that you care and appreciate them...
GERMANY KENT Even heaven would become hell if you were alone in it, or away from a loved one. And even if you wer...
SUZY KASSEM Archangel Ariel's Message: "Never hesitate when that burning desire in your soul won't let your drea...
KIMBERLY DAWN I have almost done with harridans, and shall soon become old enough to fall in love with girls of fo...
JONATHAN SWIFT If we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love, and behave ...
MITCH ALBOM If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutatio...
MICHAEL GRANT Poor little men, poor little cocks! As soon as they're old enough, they swell their plumage to be co...
JEAN ANOUILH The people you choose to have around you make all the difference. My family and close friends keep m...
VIRAT KOHLI Changes your life, getting into the Hall of Fame. For the rest of my life, I'll be known as Hall...
GEORGE KELL How soon was it that the dead are brought to deity in the eyes of those who in life found them littl...
LINDA BERDOLL I was a little naive thinking how fun it was going to be to live with another family, to learn about...
CARMEN WURGEL A shudder in the loins engenders thereThe broken wall, the burning roof and towerAnd Agamemnon dead.
WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS Do you wanna leave soon?
No, I want enough time to be in love with everything...
And I cry...
MARINA KEEGAN To be with the same person for the rest of your life just sounds so drab.
EVA LONGORIA Take care of your dog because a dead dog is NOT a fun companion!
DARLENE ARDEN There has been no persecution I have not tasted, no oppression I have not suffered. I neither care f...
SAID NURSI It will be a move toward a little bit more family friendly, music-heavy, fun and entertaining show, ...
DARREN JOHNSON So you treat your love like a firefly, like it only gets to shine for a little while.Catch it in a m...
MIRANDA LAMBERT George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, mo...
DENIS LEARY You can't be jealous of someone else's results. You don't know the prayer, process, sacrifice, and w...
GERMANY KENT There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
GEORGE CARLIN Shortly after I was born he emigrated to Durban, where members of my mother's family had settled...
AARON KLUG The day you will provide a family with groceries might be the beginning of a new life for that famil...
DOUGLAS YEBOAH You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl, Lia-Lia, caught in between...
LAURIE HALSE ANDERSON Tombstones and legacies are for the dead.

I will live for now… Impact the world for now...
STEVE MARABOLI No matter what, I'm trying to have fun and, depending on the mood, fun can be on a roller coaste...
SHAWN MENDES As for Gus, he had come to Haddan with no appreciation for the human race and no expectations of his...
ALICE HOFFMAN It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech an...
RON WHITE Why should I have to hide the fact that I don't believe there’s a supreme being? There’s no proo...
JESSE VENTURA I may soon be coming to Warren, tos pend the rest of my life with the others...waiting.
DANIEL KEYES In ten minutes they will have arrived on campus. George will have to be George; the George they have...
CHRISTOPHER ISHERWOOD Paying attention to the changing lifestyles of the consumer is very important. When you have so much...
JEFF SCHUSTER It's a little different here. George Bush trails by a slim margin in the polls to John McCain; Bill ...
KAREN BROWN Do the hard work in the beginning and the rest will be fun.
KISHAN S CHAUHAN

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN