Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I was once kissed on the lips by a giraffe, and I don't think I've ever got over it.

I get depressed when the sun is clouded over. It affects me.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.