Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.


Amy Sedaris

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One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS
When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS
the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS
Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS
The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS
the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS
You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS
What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS
You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS
They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS
He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS
Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
DAVID SEDARIS
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS
between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS
Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS
That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS