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Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.


David Sedaris

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MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill
ROLAND SMITH It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill
JUDE WATSON It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill
JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea.
JUDE WATSON Experience has shown me that standing by oneself reading from one's book isn't especially co...
GAYLE FORMAN About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo...
PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only...
RICK RIORDAN I'm constantly saying, 'I read a fascinating article in 'The New Yorker'... ' I ...
EMMA DONOGHUE I had someone correct my grammar once on a blind date, and within the first 10 minutes the date was ...
REESE WITHERSPOON I've got a few ideas," (Amy) admitted. "But I don't know where we're going in the long term. I mean ...
RICK RIORDAN Alas, I think I am becoming a god.
TITUS Some men by ancestry are only the shadow of a mighty name.
LUCAN I have a wife, I have sons: all of them hostages given to fate.
LUCAN I have some cops in my family. I understand the predicament that they're in. Sometimes they go i...
WESLEY SNIPES I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.
BILLY CRYSTAL I'm an untrained musician. Untrained musicians don't really have any music theory, they don&...
FRANK BLACK I knew I didn't want to come out in the 'New Yorker'; it just felt wrong. It needed an A...
BINYAVANGA WAINAINA In life, you have to take the pace that love goes. You don't force it. You just don't force ...
JUAN PABLO GALAVIS The secret of using makeup for fashion is to have fun with it. When people see that you are playful,...
ISABELLA ROSSELLINI My first introduction to television, and really just the business in general, was working with David...
MADCHEN AMICK Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way."
"Funny name for an aircraft...
GORDON KORMAN Processes break in two ways. They break because they don't have the right checks and balances an...
MARK V. HURD Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
SENECA Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.
SENECA We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing.
SENECA Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take...
SENECA Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.
SENECA Luck is where opportunity meets preparation.
SENECA Friendship always benefits; love sometimes injures.
SENECA I don't have friends, and it's hard for me to make new friends. Right now, the people that a...
QUESTLOVE We don't have performances as big as 'Lemonade Mouth' on 'Zeke and Luther,' but ...
ADAM HICKS We just can't change the rules if we don't like the results.
CANDICE S. MILLER The thing that 'Glee' has successfully done that no other TV show has is that they're ju...
SAMUEL LARSEN I have dogs, and it's no secret that I find reptiles interesting, but the thing about reptiles i...
NICOLAS CAGE I don't feel typecast almost at all, and it could just be because I'm insensitive, but I dou...
GRACE PARK I feel pressure, but my emotions just don't show that much in my face.
INBEE PARK In New York City, the meek don't inherit the earth. The big mouth does.
BARBARA CORCORAN Normally, most writers don't say, 'I'm going into a mild hypnotic trance.' Typically...
MADISON SMARTT BELL Publication in 'The New Yorker' meant everything, and it's no exaggeration to say that i...
DANIEL ALARCON I'm a New Yorker; I've paid my dues.
ZOE KRAVITZ Most magazines have peak moments. They live on, they do just okay, or they die. 'The New Yorker&...
DAVID REMNICK If I have a spare second, I usually catch up on the many magazines I'm behind on or watch the la...
ANDREW ROSS SORKIN I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
BOB HOPE I'd like to believe that the people that have supported me in my work or identified with me in f...
ANGELINA JOLIE People don't understand that I have a great relationship with my parents - like, how that can ex...
KATY PERRY Over the years, I've heard a lot of people who don't feel that they have it in them to do an...
KAJA FOGLIO I don't need to have three feather pillows in my trailer. I just don't work that way.
DOMINIC MONAGHAN I think there's so much feeling among young girls where they feel like they have to be this perf...
NIALL HORAN The reason why 'Black Lives Matter' is a chant is because a lot of people feel, myself inclu...
BENJAMIN WATSON At the end of the day, people have the right to have opinions. I have the right to have an opinion. ...
TYGA I love the honesty of New Yorkers. When a New Yorker says 'let's do lunch,' they actuall...
SHERRI SHEPHERD I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan.
BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously.
ERINN HAYES Sometimes I call directors. Sometimes I just meet with them. It just happens. It's not that I...
JULIETTE BINOCHE My characters populate a big, vibrant world. Sometimes they rub shoulders. Sometimes they don't.
JULIE KENNER I feel like, sometimes, when things are just handed to people, in a way, right away, you don't g...
FIONA DOURIF I don't hate women - they just sometimes make me mad.
EMINEM It's not that I'm stupid. I just don't think sometimes.
COLIN FARRELL I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have ...
ANNA NICOLE SMITH It's just not right that so many things don't work when they should. I don't think that ...
STEVE WOZNIAK There are parts of me that I feel are beautiful, but they don't have anything to do with my nose...
SALLY FIELD I don't feel comfortable talking about my private life, and some people in my private life don&#...
GINA MCKEE New York's my home. Born and raised. I'm a New Yorker to the bone.
VANESSA FERLITO My forms are geometric, but they don't interact in a geometric sense. They're just forms tha...
ELLSWORTH KELLY The honest truth is no, I don't feel like I arrived. I don't feel like I'm worthy. My pu...
ADAM GREEN My family aren't performers. They're just normal people. They don't understand this ente...
JAY RYAN With the royal family, you don't want to see them as people because it takes the sheen off. They...
CLAIRE FOY Animals... don't have a sense of time. You just have to do things over and over with animals unt...
BRUCE GREENWOOD I don't believe in sharing my money. If I go out and work my nuts off and make some money, I don...
GARY NUMAN If you feel your rights are being abused by the authorities, and you don't say something, someti...
COREY HAWKINS I don't tour the TV studios. I don't gossip over lunch. I don't drink in Parliament'...
THERESA MAY I feel a connection to many songs that I won't sing because I don't think they are right for...
AUDRA MCDONALD Things that have happened with Enron and companies like that, where they've squandered their emp...
MIKE HUCKABEE I feel totally French - I don't feel half-French because of my dual nationality. For me, dual na...
NAJAT VALLAUD-BELKACEM If you don't have a valentine, hang out with your girlfriends, don't go looking for someone....
CARMEN ELECTRA I don't know if I officially proofread my father's book, but I read it. I did get some conce...
NOAM CHOMSKY Sometimes I make things that people have very strong responses to. Whether that's art, I don'...
BEN KATCHOR I'll wear my mom jeans in public that haven't been tailored 'just so' yet, just beca...
ANNE HATHAWAY Encourage children to write their own stories, and then don't rain on their parade. Don't sa...
GAIL CARSON LEVINE What I would say to young entrepreneurs is there's so many moments in your life where you have t...
HOWARD SCHULTZ Companies need to have rules - that's a given - but they don't have to be shortsighted and l...
TRAVIS BRADBERRY Tenants don't have any right to court-appointed attorneys in civil court, so they're either ...
MATTHEW DESMOND Hollywood people are filled with guilt: white guilt, liberal guilt, money guilt. They feel bad that ...
DREW CAREY Sometimes women don't take the initiative that they should.
KATHLEEN KENNEDY And I have always told the patients when I talk to them. When they come around and say, 'What wi...
BETTY FORD I simply can't wear an outfit if I don't feel that is right for me.
TAHAR RAHIM Rules like 'don't wear white after Labor Day' or 'shoes matching the handbag' ar...
STACY LONDON I don't make enemies, it's just I'm not afraid to speak my mind, which can sometimes mea...
ALAN SUGAR If we don't have an informed electorate we don't have a democracy. So I don't care how p...
JIM LEHRER The thing that's depressing is teaching graduate students today and discovering that they don...
MAXINE KUMIN I don't know the rules of grammar... If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or...
DAVID OGILVY I don't have a definition for depression. I'm productive, and that's not a sign of depre...
TAO LIN I don't like anything about 2013. Too many things have happened, including 'Bhai.' I los...
AKKINENI NAGARJUNA Sometimes you just don't feel the same everyday, it doesn't matter what you do, but when you...
DAVID ORTIZ I don't have regret about things I've done that are successful or not successful or what peo...
MARK HARMON Sometimes if you get 'em too drunk they don't pay no attention to what you're doin' ...
MERLE HAGGARD In elementary school, we all say, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't sa...
NICK VUJICIC I Googled 'What do rich people buy?' Because I don't feel like a rich person, and I don&...
J. J. WATT

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If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
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DAVID SEDARIS When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,...
DAVID SEDARIS I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...
DAVID SEDARIS Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und...
DAVID SEDARIS Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
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DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ...
DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i...
DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
DAVID SEDARIS Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a...
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DAVID SEDARIS As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
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DAVID SEDARIS But most good movies have a gun in them.
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DAVID SEDARIS If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you...
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DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ...
DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,...
DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt...
DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people...
DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making...
DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit...
DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac...
DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and...
DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
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DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing...
DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve...
DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
DAVID SEDARIS What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneas...
DAVID SEDARIS I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no...
DAVID SEDARIS As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
DAVID SEDARIS Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the...
DAVID SEDARIS Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th...
DAVID SEDARIS whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ...
DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo...
DAVID SEDARIS I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
DAVID SEDARIS I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.
DAVID SEDARIS My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon...
DAVID SEDARIS Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
DAVID SEDARIS I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
DAVID SEDARIS But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
DAVID SEDARIS The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority....
DAVID SEDARIS The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I ...
DAVID SEDARIS Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has...
DAVID SEDARIS Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc...
DAVID SEDARIS Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
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AMY SEDARIS I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS