The Great and Tragic Love of Jonathan Shadowhunter and David the Silent, by Clary Fray, Aged 17.
SIMON IT WAS BY SIMON NOT ME

(...) Jonathan Shadowhunter: Oh, David, I would trust you with my life!
David: Oh, Jonathan, I would sacrifice my own life for your holy mission! (He almost does)
Jonathan: (weeping) David, you must return to me! I need you! I cannot do this thing without you!
David: Lo, I return!
Jonathan: Zounds! I feel a great stirring in my pantaloons!
David: What doth thy pantalo
SIMON I WILL KILL YOU