The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

I think that you'll find that Billy Connolly is British.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge -- but not a sausage.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.