The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.


Groucho Marx

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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to keep his mouth shut...
ARCHIE BUNKER
Keep your mouth shut and your ears open.
ENGLISH PROVERB
The job of a citizen is to keep his mouth open.
GUNTER GRASS
I've had to learn when not to tweet. Like, you learn how to keep your mouth shut? Learn to keep ...
DAN STEVENS
The only sort of pride that may serve a man well on that rarest occasion is his hatred of being wron...
CRISS JAMI
“If you fear embarrassment, learn to keep your mouth shut”
DR. SHAILESH THAKER
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
SHORT QUOTES
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
For a happy marriage the husband should be the head and the wife the heart.
VIKRANT PARSAI
I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt
MARK TWAIN
A marriage license should not be viewed as a license for a husband to forcibly rape his wife with im...
SOL WACHTLER
Although most advice should be distrusted, particularly when it comes from myself . . . keep an open...
LISA KLEYPAS
No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.
SAM RAYBURN
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
MARK TWAIN
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it would just learn to keep its mouth shut.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
The hood-winked husband shows his anger, and the word jealous is flung in his face. Jealous husband ...
J. AUGUST STRINDBERG
The hood-winked husband shows his anger, and the word jealous is flung in his face. Jealous husband ...
AUGUST STRINDBERG
If you've to keep your mouth shut, then keep your mouth shut, no matter what you're feeling.
SARVESH JAIN
His eye was already swollen shut, completely shut. It was already turning colors. Blood was pouring ...
DEMETRA BLEVINS
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and r...
RAMI BELSON
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX
The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
A speaker should approach his preparation not by what he wants to say, but by what he wants to learn...
TODD STOCKER
I truly believe that people like myself, who are in a position of entertainers in the limelight, sho...
KID ROCK
In a happy marriage it is the wife who provides the climate, the husband the landscape.
GERALD BRENAN
When even one American - who has done nothing wrong - is forced by fear to shut his mind and close h...
HARRY S TRUMAN
Speech and silence. We feel safer with a madman who talks than with one who cannot open his mouth.
E. M. CIORAN
Speech and silence. We feel safer with a madman who talks than with one who cannot open his mouth.
EMILE M. CIORAN
A fool tries to shut others' mouth instead of listens to his own heart.
TOBA BETA
Whoever keeps his mouth shut when he realizes that he is wrong is wise and he who holds the mouth ev...
VIKRANT PARSAI
And he goes through life, his mouth open, and his mind closed.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
And he goes through life, his mouth open, and his mind closed
OSCAR WILDE
He who wants to make his friend his enemy should lend him some money.
VIKRANT PARSAI
A fool tries to shut others' mouth
instead of listens to his own heart.
TOBA BETA
Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.
ROBERT NEWTON PECK
Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER
Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who can...
OGDEN NASH
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with the window shut, and a woman wh...
OGDEN NASH
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who ...
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
And I will never, ever respond to anybody - man, woman, vegetable, or mineral - who tells me to keep...
JANICE DICKINSON
I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX
He's going to have to stop putting his foot in his mouth and start talking about the things he wants...
DANIELLE VINSON
He who has enough for his wants should desire nothing more.
UNKNOWN
The reaction was totally unhelpful for a pragmatic response. Let's keep the doors open. No one shoul...
AFIF SAFIEH
A man who wants the truth becomes a scientist; a man who wants to give free play to his subjectivity...
ROBERT MUSIL
Sometimes you usually know the point where to keep your mouth shut.
CALVIN JOHNSON
I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD
Why does a virtuous man take delight in the landscapes? Because the din of the dusty world and the l...
KUO HIS
Why does a virtuous man take delight in the landscapes? Because the din of the dusty world and the l...
KUO HIS
An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful. But an open mind about the ultimate fou...
C.S. LEWIS
(The teen) really wants to be with his dad. A happy ending.
LOUELLA RICHEY
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman ...
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is be...
GROUCHO MARX
Open your mouth and shut your eyes and see what Zeus will send you.
ARISTOPHANES
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
CYNTHIA HEIMEL
If you keep your mouth shut, the flies won't get in
SPANISH PROVERB
We are grateful for a happy marriage and a glorious future. Four years of a happy marriage! Happy An...
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA
People who eat with their mouth open should be punched in the face.
KEVIN HART
It is very, very, very difficult for an American actor who wants a film career to be open about his ...
IAN MCKELLEN
A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.
HENRY FORD
So much for being a good friend was knowing when to keep your mouth shut.
EMMA STRAUB
They told me it was none of my concern and to keep my mouth shut.
BEN CARTER
Can the believing husband in Heaven be happy with his unbelieving wife in Hell? Can the believing f...
JONATHAN EDWARDS
Can the believing husband in Heaven be happy with his unbelieving wife in Hell? Can the believing fa...
JONATHAN EDWARDS
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut
SOURCE UNKNOWN
He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand.
C.S. LEWIS
It's a free country and I can keep my mouth shut whenever I want.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK
I shut up and keep my ears and eyes open.
KIERAN CULKIN
In Rio de Janeiro, every cop has to make a choice. He either turns dirty, keeps his mouth shut, or g...
JOSE PADILHA
Man is a prisoner who has no right to open the door of his prison and run away ... A man should wait...
PLATO
Mina’s mouth dropped open, and he bent his head as if to kiss her. She jammed her gun barrel under...
MELJEAN BROOK
Through practice you'll learn to identify the wrong 'un which should be heaved back over his syrup. ...
JAMES HOUSTON
Happy is the man whom the Muses love: sweet speech flows from his mouth.
HESIOD
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
R A DICKSON
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
He would have been half-hanged, taken down alive, castrated, his genitals stuffed in his mouth, his ...
JOHN BROADBENT
Though wickedness be sweet in his mouth, though he hide it under his tongue; Though he spare it, ...
BIBLE
Though wickedness be sweet in his mouth, though he hide it under his tongue; / Though he spare it, a...
BIBLE
Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are no...
NICCOLò MACHIAVELLI
Our foreign dealings are an open book -- generally, a checkbook.
WILL ROGERS
Anyone who wants to learn about psychiatry from the movies should have their head examined.
SAM GOLDWYN
Dear God, help me to guard my tongue and learn to say the right thing at the right time for the rig...
UNKNOWN
If only he would keep his mouth shut, he'd be perfect. A piece of duct tape would do the trick. I ha...
CHRISTINA LAUREN
As a radio talk show host I have learned a valuable lesson. Keep your mouth shut.
CARLOS GALINDO
As a radio talk show host I have learned a valuable lesson. Keep your mouth shut.
CARLOS E. GALINDO
I think I might kiss him. He's right here. And his lips are hanging open (mouth breather) and his ey...
RAINBOW ROWELL
A husband should not insult his wife publicly, at parties. He should insult her in the privacy of th...
JAMES THURBER
The thing that made Groucho special was the way he used his body parts. He also had a wicked tongue....
SIDNEY SHELDON
Every morning the first thing I do is serve my husband a bowl full of praises. More then his stomach...
MEGHA KHARE
Success = 1 part work + 1 part play + 1 part keep your mouth shut
ALBERT EINSTEIN
His mouth started to speak, but his brain decided it hadn't got anything to say yet and shut it agai...
DOUGLAS ADAMS

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
[When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX