The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
David Sedaris
Related I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES You're full of contradictions, Ms. Wallace." I looked up at him and arched a brow. "I'm a girl... TAMMARA WEBBER Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over. RICHARD CARLSON I had a best friend once 20 years down the line a friendship that you just do not get now, i regarde... GARY F EVANS... Use your heart. Understand. Learn to see things in the now, not as they were or will be, or as ... E.J. PATTEN She was intimidating and all I could do was sit back on the couch as she paced back and forth, slowl... IN THE MAKING Anxiety is a really crippling condition, and I suffer with it myself, and I feel for anyone who suff... JAMES ARTHUR Generally, we have designed the flashing don't walk to correspond to an average pedestrian speed. In... MARK TEAGUE One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is... R.J. GONZALES A walk?" said Catharine. "One foot in front of the other," said Newt, "through leaves, over bri... KURT VONNEGUT JR. Friendship is a double-edged sword one side it can be great and true but the other side it spells be... GARY F EVANS... Now is everything Now is the essence Now is the focus Focus on the now For that ... KAREN HACKEL Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over. RICHARD CARLSON The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha... FRANCINE RIVERS How should I know?" said Alice, surprised at her own courage. "It's no business of mine." The Q... LEWIS CARROLL The battle is not physical, it is spiritual and your mind is the battleground. Keep your mind pure a... JEANETTE CORON I started out as a writer. Poetry and prose and also kind of satirical David Sedaris-esque stuff. PAULEY PERRETTE Smiling at death seems like a pretty bold act. And so I smile like a damned fool. EMM COLE We need to embrace every day and enjoy it as much as we can. KAREN TODD SCARPULLA If I provide for this life and turn away from the Lord, I am wise for a moment, but lost forever. FRANCINE RIVERS The only way he could have her was to shatter this stubborn faith of hers. In doing so, would he sha... FRANCINE RIVERS I just think if I can ask anything it's for everybody in this room, including myself, to stay focuse... ANGELINA JOLIE But I'll try to immerse myself in as many of the formal characteristics of site as possible in t... RICHARD SERRA His first rehab session was to take a five-minute walk, just around the Joyce Center. That progresse... SKIP MEYER In the beginning, there was nothing and from nothing came our species then behold the dawn of music.... GARY F EVANS... Write to Say something, Say to Make something, Make to Be something. SHASHIDHAR SA Wake up to a brand new day and realize why you woke up to meet the day! Live to the end of another d... ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH You try not to think about it. I don't want to really jinx myself, so you just want to go out there ... DUSTIN BOYD Creativity is not just thinking outside the box but living outside it. VICTOR SHAMAS I've been through a storm, and I ain't trying to get in another one. So I just try to stay to myself... CALVIN WILLIAMS There'a a phrase, "the elephant in the living room", which purports to describe what it's like to li... STEPHEN KING The best thing you can do for your kids is to show them God working in you on a daily basis. CRAIG GROESCHEL You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey... DAVID SEDARIS How do you know if something is real? That’s easy. Does it change you? Does it form you? Does it g... C. JOYBELL C. We fall back into the past, we jump ahead into the future, and in this we lose our entire lives. THICH NHAT HANH I've told you I don't live and die by the polls. Thus, I will refrain from pointing out that we're n... , IN THE NEW REPUBLIC As you may follow, they are an extremely hostile species (i.e. there is no word for ‘welcome’ in... CHRISTINA ENGELA If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath. AMIT RAY Congratulations, to the people which made gotham series, still need some more and extra work! DEYTH BANGER To have the cognitive abilities to do research and development is vital to a forever expanding world... GARY F EVANS... The first and foremost human right or fundamental right is the right to exist. APURVA GAGLANI If we ever put research into what the subconscious is we could probably come to the conclusion that ... GARY F EVANS... i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g... SIMI GREWAL Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it?... ERNEST HEMINGWAY He wept because he was afraid now that he could not save Gabriel. He no longer cared about himself LOIS LOWRY In the end, I think you really only get as far as you're allowed to get. GAYLE GARDNER Wake every morning with the same feeling. Live up high and fly on top of the ceiling. I just know th... ANA CLAUDIA ANTUNES Life doesn't happen to you, it happens FROM you. GREGG KORROL The love you get, is equal to the love you give. BEN OAK When you live in the present, the past is forgotten & the future takes care of itself. MANDY HALE I have always wished the present to resemble memory: because the present can be flat at times, and b... LYDIA MILLET Some people never take a chance and never know what it's like to live life to the full. CHLOE THURLOW There is no such thing as objectivity. We are all just interpreting signals from the universe and tr... BONES THE DOCTOR IN THE PHOTO Now I try to make efforts, you know, I'm just, the best effort I can do is just stay sober myself. I... ANDY DICK Eventually I came across another passage. This is what it said: I am not commanding you, but I ... NICHOLAS SPARKS I will never forget the vision of Jamie walking towards me. NICHOLAS SPARKS As these images were going through my head, my breathing suddenly went still. I looked at Jamie, the... NICHOLAS SPARKS I’d wish it were easier to not allow other people’s pasts to create my own present. JONATHAN HARNISCH I have better understanding how difficult and complex life can be, fortunately I know when not to ta... SHELLIE PALMER Horror as for me is the best choice, you can gain a lot of. I like to be afraid like to see this shi... DEYTH BANGER Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is nev... A WALK TO REMEMBER No, of course not. But surely you know your affair couldn't go on forever." "Forever has no mea... ELLEN HOPKINS A perfectly decent fellow may be driven by circumstances to commit a crime and if he's found out he'... W.SOMERSET MAUGHAM Let me repeat. I have not read all the work of this present generation of writing. I have not had ti... WILLIAM FAULKNER I hate saying corny things like "traveling incognito." But when I'm with somebody that's corny, I al... J.D. SALINGER “Love is not to be discovered but felt.It is brewing in air across universe.One needs only open ey... ANUJ SOMANY I promise myself that I will enjoy every minute of the day that is given me to live. THICH NHAT HANH You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now. JAY ASHER Life is a journey, not a destination. RALPH WALDO EMERSON It is so torturous to be in the crowd not only because the voice there is usually loud, but also oft... ANUJ SOMANY When you grow up there are things that you would love to do make your father proud is one and have f... GARY F EVANS... It seems like all the best people have all the worst habits. THOMAS WALLACE SCHERZER A person who lives truly in present time is dependent on oneself only not on sycophants’ people. ANUJ SOMANY Tongues are a miraculous manifestations of being filled with the Holy Ghost. PST ADELAJA SUNDAY The Buddha told him, "When we sit, we know we are sitting. When we walk, we know we are walking. Whe... THICH NHAT HANH She plucked the blossoms from the bag and arranged them, one by one, in the water glass on her dress... SARAH JIO Tomorrow is tomorrow. Future cares have future cures, And we must mind today. SOPHOCLES To him, even the momentary was momentous. G.K. CHESTERTON You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the... JAN GLIDEWELL I’m pretty sure there are some things in the dark that we’re not meant to see. KARINA HALLE I know,” said November. He was pale and thin lipped. He helped October out of the wooden chair. �... NEIL GAIMAN God is not impressed with what PRECEDES your name, but how you PROCEED in His Name." BJ NELSON When Luke had descended into the River Styx, he would've had to focus on something important that wo... RICK RIORDAN I trained myself, whenever I walk into auditions, to hate everyone in the room. ADAM DRIVER I have a tough job every night. You can't truly stop anybody in this league. I just try to get in th... DESHAWN STEVENSON Here is one fact 1 minute to finish the class, 1 day to die, one day behind that fact, one day in th... DEYTH BANGER That’s what I liked about those nuns. You could tell, for one thing, that they never went anywhere... J.D. SALINGER I just take my mind off it. I just think it's me at the park by myself shooting free throws. EDDIE TOLLIVER It was frustrating to still be in the dark about something and be given only so little light. LAUREN LOLA Sometimes best things in life turns out to be worst and teach us lessons; lessons limited to the min... SAURABH OBEROI The things i know now, i never knew then. I wish i knew. SOTONYE ANGA An emotionally locked person refuses to let go of their sad memories and live in the now. KILROY J. OLDSTER Art must be parochial in the beginning to be cosmopolitan in the end. GEORGE A. MOORE Clay in the hands of a good potter suffers so many good turns, but in the end, we see its real and t... ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH I don't think about it too much. I just stay in front of the net and take the rebound. PETR PRUCHA Pursuit of contentment is not the pursuit of an elusive tomorrow; it is the celebration of today. In... MAJID KAZMI Savor the moment. Set a goal that you value and plan the steps to of getting there in a way that you... TERENCE T. GORSKI Even as we live with the knowledge that each day might be our last, we don’t want to believe it. SHARON SALZBERG Beautify your breath – beautify your life. AMIT RAY The saying sell all your belongings & give to the poor simply means "Redirect your mind to the verit... DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN)
More David Sedaris
If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. DAVID SEDARIS I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. DAVID SEDARIS I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa... DAVID SEDARIS If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve. DAVID SEDARIS Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.... DAVID SEDARIS Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." DAVID SEDARIS We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys... DAVID SEDARIS Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character. DAVID SEDARIS Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. DAVID SEDARIS Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th... DAVID SEDARIS Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th... DAVID SEDARIS I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's... DAVID SEDARIS The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ... DAVID SEDARIS The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis... DAVID SEDARIS In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor... DAVID SEDARIS People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ... DAVID SEDARIS Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d... DAVID SEDARIS Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes... DAVID SEDARIS For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese... DAVID SEDARIS I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. DAVID SEDARIS but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment. DAVID SEDARIS Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an... DAVID SEDARIS It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th... DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ... DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte... DAVID SEDARIS What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo... DAVID SEDARIS In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem... DAVID SEDARIS Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she... DAVID SEDARIS The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. DAVID SEDARIS The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in... DAVID SEDARIS I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ... DAVID SEDARIS At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade... DAVID SEDARIS On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ... DAVID SEDARIS When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,... DAVID SEDARIS I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul... DAVID SEDARIS Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und... DAVID SEDARIS Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca... DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. DAVID SEDARIS People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with... DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. DAVID SEDARIS I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi... DAVID SEDARIS The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o... DAVID SEDARIS The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o... DAVID SEDARIS Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. DAVID SEDARIS I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter... DAVID SEDARIS It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where... DAVID SEDARIS To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. DAVID SEDARIS Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ... DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i... DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. DAVID SEDARIS Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d... DAVID SEDARIS For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but... DAVID SEDARIS At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. DAVID SEDARIS People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t... DAVID SEDARIS I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it... DAVID SEDARIS But most good movies have a gun in them. DAVID SEDARIS They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero... DAVID SEDARIS I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist... DAVID SEDARIS But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. DAVID SEDARIS Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti... DAVID SEDARIS I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr... DAVID SEDARIS I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a... DAVID SEDARIS If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you... DAVID SEDARIS There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o... DAVID SEDARIS A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ... DAVID SEDARIS Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ... DAVID SEDARIS You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey... DAVID SEDARIS On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot... DAVID SEDARIS It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. DAVID SEDARIS States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t... DAVID SEDARIS I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. DAVID SEDARIS When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o... DAVID SEDARIS It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o... DAVID SEDARIS I'm just a big liar. DAVID SEDARIS On Undecided Voters: "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The f... DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,... DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt... DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people... DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making... DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m... DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac... DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—... DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing... DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve... DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h... DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out. DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi... DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w... DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio... DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom... DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w... DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle... DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some... DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi... DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for... DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard... DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o... DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai... DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ... DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han... DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some... DAVID SEDARIS I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t... DAVID SEDARIS As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character. DAVID SEDARIS The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day. DAVID SEDARIS I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m... DAVID SEDARIS I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot. DAVID SEDARIS What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was... DAVID SEDARIS I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. DAVID SEDARIS College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for... DAVID SEDARIS between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,... DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c... DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t... DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no... DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven... DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni! DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should... DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa... DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. DAVID SEDARIS A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneas... DAVID SEDARIS I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no... DAVID SEDARIS As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. DAVID SEDARIS Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the... DAVID SEDARIS Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th... DAVID SEDARIS whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ... DAVID SEDARIS If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo... DAVID SEDARIS I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. DAVID SEDARIS I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. DAVID SEDARIS My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon... DAVID SEDARIS Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. DAVID SEDARIS I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. DAVID SEDARIS But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. DAVID SEDARIS The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority.... DAVID SEDARIS Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has... DAVID SEDARIS Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc... DAVID SEDARIS Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ... AMY SEDARIS I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my... AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo... AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y... AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak... AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ... AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. AMY SEDARIS I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But... AMY SEDARIS I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'... AMY SEDARIS More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus... AMY SEDARIS I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color. AMY SEDARIS If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway... AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ... AMY SEDARIS But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty. AMY SEDARIS My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him. AMY SEDARIS When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel... AMY SEDARIS Books are challenging and inspirational to me. AMY SEDARIS I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop. AMY SEDARIS I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ... AMY SEDARIS I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge... AMY SEDARIS I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ... AMY SEDARIS We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people. AMY SEDARIS My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m... AMY SEDARIS I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life. AMY SEDARIS My characters always like themselves. AMY SEDARIS It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product. AMY SEDARIS It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high... AMY SEDARIS I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea. AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS I'm not a first-place person. AMY SEDARIS You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w... AMY SEDARIS I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts. AMY SEDARIS It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby... AMY SEDARIS I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. AMY SEDARIS