The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.


Dave Barry

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84 Lumber had the connections and set everything up, ... We didn't have to do anything but show up.
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The bookful blockhead, ignorantly read, With loads of learned lumber in his head.
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The bookful blockhead, ignorantly read, With loads of learned lumber in his head.
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Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.
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I work very hard on the writing, writing and rewriting and trying to weed out the lumber.
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“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY
Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
DAVE BARRY
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, ...
DAVE BARRY
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
DAVE BARRY
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
DAVE BARRY
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
DAVE BARRY
I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
DAVE BARRY
It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
DAVE BARRY
one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
DAVE BARRY
drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
DAVE BARRY
I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
DAVE BARRY
I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
DAVE BARRY
The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
DAVE BARRY
We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
DAVE BARRY
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
DAVE BARRY
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
DAVE BARRY
I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
DAVE BARRY
Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
DAVE BARRY
Ridley is a tea drinker.
DAVE BARRY
It's a concept I've often thought of.
DAVE BARRY
You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
DAVE BARRY
I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
DAVE BARRY
We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
DAVE BARRY
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
DAVE BARRY
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
DAVE BARRY
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
DAVE BARRY
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
DAVE BARRY
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
DAVE BARRY
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
DAVE BARRY
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
DAVE BARRY
Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
DAVE BARRY
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
DAVE BARRY
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
DAVE BARRY