The question that women casually shopping for perfume ask more than any other is this: "What scent drives men wild?" After years of intense research, we know the definitive answer. It is bacon. Now, on to the far more interesting subject of perfume.

Lignin, the stuff that prevents all trees from adopting the weeping habit, is a polymer made up of units that are closely related to vanillin. When made into paper and stored for years, it breaks down and smells good. Which is how divine providence has arranged for secondhand bookstores to smell like good quality vanilla absolute, subliminally stoking a hunger for knowledge in all of us.

It smelled like heaven, like love, like home and family and Sunday mornings at her grandparents' house. It smelled like...Bacon.

It started the way so many good things do: with bacon.

And hey, bacon made everything better.

A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future.