The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"