The two of us, we're the best kind of disaster. Apples and oranges. Well, more like apples and machetes.

We weren't Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. I was ok with that, I thought. We had things they didn't, too. Like electricity, and refrigerators. And Mario Kart.

I began wondering if there was some kind of Watsonian guide for the care and keeping of Holmeses.

John H. Watson might have been many things - a doctor, a storyteller, and by most accounts a kind and decent man-but he clearly wasn't a zoologist. There's no such thing as a swamp adder. And the idea that Sherlock Holmes deduced its existence from a saucer of milk is ridiculous- snakes have zero interest in milk. They also can't hear anything but vibrations, so they wouldn't hear a whistle. But they do breathe, so a snake couldn't survive in a locked safe.

You have been in Afghanistan I perceive.

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.