There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.


W. C. Fields

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There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. FIELDS
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
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There are two ways of spreading light: To be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that receives it.
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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that refledts it.
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He is attempting to sell the liquor license to the bar,
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There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously.
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There are only two ways of telling the complete truth - anonymously and posthumously.
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There are two ways to live a life either forget everything or, remember nothing.
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There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.
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There are two ways to avoid getting disappointed.
Expect everything - or expect nothing.
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I grew up on the stage, and there's no two ways about it: you only get one chance to do your bit...
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There are only two times when I drink beer, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else
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drink..but let the alcohol doesn't drink your life.
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The problems of this world are only truly solved in two ways: by extinction or duplication.
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There are only two choices. Stay here and die. Or get up and see what happens next.
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There are one hundred and ninety nine ways to beat, but only one way to win; get there first.
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There are one hundred and ninety nine ways to beat, but only one way to win; get there first.
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Remember if people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
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Usually when you ask somebody in college why they are there, they'll tell you it's to get an educati...
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There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet...
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Finding ways to appreciate advances without embracing complacency is a delicate task. It involves be...
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The first calculators tended to sell for $400 or $500. Today, you can get a pretty good one for 4 or...
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Sometimes, somebody gets two of something and wants to sell one. Then there are the people who just ...
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The Japanese market is closed today, so there are few reasons to prompt investors to either sell or ...
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The other companies, like Intel and IBM, are trying to take existing CPU architectures and get to th...
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It's a frustrating loss. We played two Class C teams on the road this week and found ways to lose th...
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I don't drink liquor, but I do like chocolate ice cream soda.
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When you get punched in the gut there are two ways you can react. You can put your fists up and figh...
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for the very first time in history, 'Madame Mayor, C. Virginia Fields.'
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There are other ways to get up there to get him.
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Not getting two runners in with only one out really hurt. There are two ways to look at that. It is ...
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When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, its called...
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There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to de...
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Ah, thank you,' said Ford. He and Arthur took their jynnan tonnyx. Arthur sipped his, and was surpri...
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I was very pleased that Dan got ahead of them today. Every pitcher likes to get ahead, and Danny did...
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No matter what looms ahead, if you can eat today, enjoy the sunlight today, mix good cheer with frie...
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I played like a dog today. I had a two-foot putt on the second hole for birdie that didn't touch the...
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Web servers are written in C, and if they're not, they're written in Java or C++, which are ...
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Should you need to sell the home within a year or two there is not a lot of equity there.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or ...
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There are ways to get around that, though.
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Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.
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Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.
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More W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. FIELDS
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. FIELDS
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butle...
W. C. FIELDS
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn f...
W. C. FIELDS
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm ...
W. C. FIELDS
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for th...
W. C. FIELDS
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. FIELDS
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
W. C. FIELDS
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. FIELDS
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. FIELDS
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. FIELDS
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen th...
W. C. FIELDS
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. FIELDS
Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. FIELDS
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpl...
W. C. FIELDS
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS
Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. FIELDS
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live...
W. C. FIELDS
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situati...
W. C. FIELDS
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've...
W. C. FIELDS
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. FIELDS
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state pris...
W. C. FIELDS
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. FIELDS
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. FIELDS
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
W. C. FIELDS
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. FIELDS
Happiness means quiet nerves.
W. C. FIELDS
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
W. C. FIELDS
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. FIELDS
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
W. C. FIELDS
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
W. C. FIELDS
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. FIELDS
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool abou...
W. C. FIELDS
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We sta...
W. C. FIELDS
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laug...
W. C. FIELDS
I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don't know; it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and th...
W. C. FIELDS
Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth . ...
W. C. FIELDS
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS
I like children - fried.
W. C. FIELDS
A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
W. C. FIELDS
All roads lead to rum.
W. C. FIELDS
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the re...
W. C. FIELDS
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they alwa...
W. C. FIELDS
Once . . . in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing b...
W. C. FIELDS
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food...
W. C. FIELDS
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still surv...
W. C. FIELDS
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)
W. C. FIELDS
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what ...
W. C. FIELDS
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS
No one likes a fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of ...
W. C. FIELDS
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS
I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
W. C. FIELDS
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. FIELDS
Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.
W. C. FIELDS
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS
A plumber's idea of Cleopatra [Mae West].
W. C. FIELDS
I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.
W. C. FIELDS
Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven year...
W. C. FIELDS
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. FIELDS
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDS
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. FIELDS
Either you're drunk or your braces are lopsided.
W. C. FIELDS
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his butt...
W. C. FIELDS
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS
Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again.
W. C. FIELDS
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS
If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
W. C. FIELDS
Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker!
W. C. FIELDS
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. FIELDS
What this country needs is money!
W. C. FIELDS
It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.
W. C. FIELDS
Never smarten up a chump.
W. C. FIELDS
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking . . . that this happens is a matter of rec...
W. C. FIELDS
Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.
W. C. FIELDS
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS
Who has not experienced the unutterable despair that follows the crash of a treasured bottle.
W. C. FIELDS
Never mind what I told you -- you do as I tell you.
W. C. FIELDS
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
W. C. FIELDS
You know women ought to be like bank notes. You ought to be able to exchange one 40 for two 20's.
W. C. FIELDS
The best thing to break is a contract.
W. C. FIELDS
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS
A wonderful drink, wine. . . . Did you ever hear of an Italian grape crusher with athlete's foot?.
W. C. FIELDS
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
W. C. FIELDS
On the whole I would rather be in Philadelphia.
W. C. FIELDS
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. FIELDS
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
W. C. FIELDS
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. FIELDS
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS
The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's bes...
W. C. FIELDS
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
W. C. FIELDS
The harder the act, the less it seems to be appreciated. That's what every artist, be he juggler, mu...
W. C. FIELDS
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. FIELDS
It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
W. C. FIELDS
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of...
W. C. FIELDS
Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS
Whatever is worth having is worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS
There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. FIELDS
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. FIELDS
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times...
W. C. FIELDS
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS
Success in life is a matter not so much of talent as of concentration and perseverance.
C. W. WENDTE
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.
W. C. BENNETT
Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
W. C. SELLAR
Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C. W. CERAN
Everything can be improved.
C. W. BARRON
Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C W CERAN
It is one of the commonest of mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of perception is also...
C. W. LEADBEATER
The old Quaker was right: I expect to pass through life but once. If there is any kindness, or any g...
W. C. GANNETT
The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanti...
W. C. JONES
If you must fight, pick only worthy adversaries.
C. W. BARRON
Genius is the ability to reduce the complicated to the simple.
C. W. CERAM
With cars off the city's streets, we don't expect to have any of the problems we normally have getti...
AL FIELDS
The big difference would be if we had a catastrophic snowfall after the Super Bowl. It might take lo...
AL FIELDS
We expect to have as many as 500 pieces of equipment at our disposal including private contractors.
AL FIELDS
We've got a plan in place to make sure everyone is ready. If it does snow, we'll be able to remove i...
AL FIELDS
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live...
WC FIELDS
We have seen people advertise dresses online that they bought at David's Bridal for $700 and they tr...
ALAN FIELDS
If the company disappears in the middle of the night, you can dispute the charge and get your money ...
ALAN FIELDS
You're most likely spending more on catering and photography than the dress, but it's a very emotion...
ALAN FIELDS
It's very common in the Northeast to have almost everyone get a tip.
ALAN FIELDS
The reality is there are only 52 Saturdays in a year . . . It makes sense to look at the alternative...
ALAN FIELDS
In that case, don't think wedding insurance will save you. It doesn't cover a change of heart.
ALAN FIELDS
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. FIELDS
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. FIELDS
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W.C. FIELDS
I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that y...
DEBBIE FIELDS
Generally, employees who file complaints of discrimination do so as a last resort.
RUBYE FIELDS
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
TOTIE FIELDS
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight
TOTIE FIELDS
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C. FIELDS
Humans are not a commodity, nor is our humanity. Fight to save the lives of those who can not save t...
L.M. FIELDS
There is a bright spot or two for the Spaniards. French toast has become freedom toast on the Air Fo...
SUZANNE FIELDS
I'm big on tomato mozzarella salad. That's my favorite all-time food.
JAN FIELDS
There aren't more lady songwriters for the same reason that there aren't more lady doctors o...
DOROTHY FIELDS
Fully 57 percent of American college students are women. Life insurance companies sell more policies...
SUZANNE FIELDS
I've never felt like I was in the cookie business. I've always been in a feel good feeling b...
DEBBI FIELDS
I have an amazing husband who is a strong man of God. He is very dedicated to me and our family.
KIM FIELDS
Number one, I absolutely love making chocolate chip cookies. I mean, it's fun. It's exciting...
DEBBI FIELDS
Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.
TOTIE FIELDS
American high school students trail teenagers from 14 European and Asian countries in reading, math ...
SUZANNE FIELDS
The Academy Awards ceremony is designed to be without irony, but Chris Rock supplied it anyway with ...
SUZANNE FIELDS
I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that y...
DEBBI FIELDS
Gospel music to me has always been a balm for the soul. It has been able to usher in the spirit, ush...
KIM FIELDS
Everybody's looking for the niche to make the difference. Some people think they see the mother ...
SUZANNE FIELDS
Hollywood and the recording industry argue that current law permits the copying of songs and movies,...
SUZANNE FIELDS
The death of Pope John Paul II led many of different faiths and of no faith to acknowledge their deb...
SUZANNE FIELDS
Love is the reason for it all.
DOROTHY FIELDS
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. FIELDS
A good filmmaker with a wonderful cast can weave an illusionary spell that goes well beyond analysis...
SUZANNE FIELDS
We expect hassles when we travel. It's our patriotic duty to grin if possible but bear it nonetheles...
SUZANNE FIELDS
It's easier to make fun of a first lady than for a first lady to have fun. The scrutiny is feroc...
SUZANNE FIELDS
'Facts of Life' was and continues to be a milestone on my journey. But when people act like ...
KIM FIELDS
Women can break down barriers to opportunity, and men, many of them reluctantly, have learned to rel...
SUZANNE FIELDS
I've been asked for years to do a reality show. One of my criteria is that I would be given the ...
KIM FIELDS
Many critics of the Palestinians, especially those in Congress, think the current calm is merely the...
SUZANNE FIELDS
We were making significant progress to realize the goals set some 20 years ago for an arts center th...
MARK FIELDS
It comes down to a lot of bad breaks,
MARK FIELDS
We are still sticking to our objective of hitting the lower end of the milestone.
MARK FIELDS
is known for his marketing expertise, and his skills as a motivator, as he proved in leading the rec...
MARK FIELDS
What you will see is very original in execution, but very Ford at its heart. It starts to fulfill th...
MARK FIELDS
I am pleasantly surprised at the wealth of artistic talent that has had a connection to South Jersey...
MARK FIELDS
Our path is not going to be linear or smooth. It's still early days.
MARK FIELDS
Our path is not going to linear and smooth.
MARK FIELDS
one of our most experienced, capable and proven leaders.
MARK FIELDS
America-bashing is addictive, born of power envy and nurtured by power lust among the weak, the cowa...
SUZANNE FIELDS
The only preparations I made were getting ice, batteries, and canned foods. I also place my lawn fur...
WILLIAM FIELDS