There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.


Groucho Marx

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There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.
MARK TWAIN
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX
If you wish to understand a philosopher, do not ask what he says, but find out what he wants
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
BIBLE
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Truth metastasized into lurid fantasy.
F. MULDER
He who says there is no such thing as an honest man, you may be sure is himself a knave.
GEORGE BERKELEY
Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, and v...
BERNARD LEVIN
Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, an...
ANDREW LACK
If you do not strike back at him who hits you, there is no way for him to find out whether you also ...
RUSSIAN PROVERB
I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN
Never believe straight off in a man's unhappiness. Ask him if he can still sleep. If the answer's ye...
LOUIS-FERDINAND CELINE
Never believe straight off in a man's unhappiness. Ask him if he can still sleep. If the answer's 'y...
LOUIS FERDINAND CELINE
You know if he played for Mickey Andrews that he is one of the toughest guys there is. If you played...
KIRBY SMART
How much golf I actually play depends on whom you ask. My wife says I'm out there every day. If ...
RICKY PONTING
One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him...
FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY
I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE
One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him, yo...
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW
If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married.
KIRK DOUGLAS
If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married.
KIRK DOUGLAS
If any man seeks for greatness, let him forget greatness and ask for truth, and he will find both.
HORACE MANN
If any man seeks for greatness, let him forget greatness and ask for truth, and he will find both
HORACE MANN
The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me,...
MARGUERITE DURAS
The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me,...
MARGUERITE DURAS
Keith Richards is a man without regret. When I ask him if—given the chance to do it all over again...
CAITLIN MORAN
You know," Daddy said, "it's some that can live their whole life out without asking about it and it'...
FLANNERY O'CONNOR
The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don't mind happiness
not always...
LAWRENCE FERLINGHETTI
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX
How to trap an atheist: Serve him a fine meal, then ask him if he believes there is a cook.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
When you find a man you wish to marry, Tessa, remember this: You will know what kind of man he is no...
CASSANDRA CLARE
He looks at her and smiles. "You're sort of dangerous, you know?"
She stares at him. "Me?" JENNIFER E. SMITH
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE
There are three questions every woman should be able to answer yes to before they commit to a man. I...
COLLEEN HOOVER
If a man says he is Christian, yet he has no problems knocking you up, having premarital sex or livi...
SHANNON L. ALDER
I didn't know if I should hug him, and he didn't seem to know if he should hug me, so we just sort o...
JOHN GREEN
Let's find out if there is ... I don't know.
JAY ROCKEFELLER
Every man is a volume if you know how to read him.
WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING
If you wish to know what a man is, make him king.
VIKRANT PARSAI
Every man is a volume, if you know how to read him.
WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING
Yes!" He says. "Fear is an excellent motivator. I find that it really brings out the true ingenuity ...
M.D. ELSTER
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
GREG BEHRENDT
Right now, there are no charges if the story is true. He says he lost control of his vehicle, and ri...
JOEY GIORDANO
There is one good thing about Marx: he was not a Keynesian.
MURRAY ROTHBARD
A wrestling match.. Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
H...
MITCH ALBOM
The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority.
YUGOSLAV PROVERB
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority.
YUGOSLAV PROVERB
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
BERT LESTON TAYLOR
Man is made to adore and to obey: but if you will not command him, if you give him nothing to worshi...
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
If a man does not know to what port he is steering, no wind is favourable to him.
SENECA
Dick has to be one of the greatest guys there is. If (the Bills) take him, I know they're going to g...
BILL ADAMS
Man, if you gotta ask you'll never know.
LOUIS ARMSTRONG
If a man does not know what port he is steering for, no wind is favorable to him
SENECA
Yes! Very funny this terrible thing is. A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls i...
JOSEPH CONRAD
There are some great questions to ask your doctor. If he says 'no,' then you find yourself a...
MARIE OSMOND
If there is no love, how can there be passion or reason?
DEBASISH MRIDHA
A man can never hope to be more than he is if he is not first honest about what he isn’t.
DON WILLIAMS, JR
A man can never hope to be more than he is if he is not first honest about what he isn’t.
DON WILLIAMS JR
He's a honest man who does what he says,
STEVE HARVEY
If you ask me, do I believe there will be a Chinese competitor in a number of years, the answer is y...
LEO APOTHEKER
If you like a man's laugh before you know anything of him, you may say with confidence that he is a ...
FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
If your friend says of some picture, "Yes, but what does it mean?" ask him, what his carpet means or...
STEPHEN POTTER
If you can control a man’s thinking, you don’t have to worry about his actions. If you can determi...
CARTER G. WOODSON
Yes, perhaps, yes' said Gollum. 'Sméagol always helps, if they asks - if they asks nicely.'
''...
J.R.R. TOLKIEN
Newt Gingrich is a very intelligent man, if he says so himself.
JOHN PODHORETZ
You pick your poison. If you look at their scoring, there is no big scorer. If you go to man-to-man ...
OLIVER PURNELL
If we all took a minute to reflect upon the wrong we do we would be quite surprised or shocked.Inste...
GARY F EVANS...
There is superficiality to Hollywood, and yes, it is charming. Of course there is sunshine, but ther...
AMANDA ELIASCH
If you want to find out about a man you must push him to his limit, stop, and then continue pushing.
ROBERT T LOANE III
Wouldn't it be nice if there weree a planet where the sound of rain falling is like Bach?" he says.<...
BILL HAYES
When you find yourself stressed, ask yourself one question: Will this matter five years from now? If...
CATHERINE PULSIFER
The best way to know a man is to watch him when he is angry
HEBREW PROVERB
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX
A man can never hope to be more than he is if he is not first honest about what he isn’t.
DON WILLIAMS, JR
There can be no doubt that the average man blames much more than he praises. His instinct is to blam...
ARNOLD BENNETT
There can be no doubt that the average man blames much more than he praises. His instinct is to blam...
GOLDA MEIR
Did Doubleday contact Frey? If they did ask him if there was anything there and he lied to them, the...
MORGAN ENTREKIN
Does he treat you with respect at all times? That's the first question. The second question is, if h...
COLLEEN HOOVER
Is it possible for a man to move the earth? Yes; but he must first find out another earth to stand u...
JEREMY BENTHAM
If you can control a man’s thinking, you don’t have to worry about his actions. If you can deter...
CARTER G. WOODSON
If you can control a mans thinking, you dont have to worry about his actions. If you can determine w...
CARTER WOODSON
When we Shienarans ride, every man knows who is next in line if the man in command falls. A chain un...
ROBERT JORDAN
If we encounter a man of rare intellect, we should ask him what books he reads.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
All writing is that structure of revelation. There's something you want to find out. If you know...
WALTER MOSLEY
A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked.
UNKNOWN
If you can sit back in a car and kill someone... if he sit (sic) in a car and shot innocent people, ...
CAROL WILLIAMS
God is always on time, it may not be the time you are expecting, but hes on time. Just like he said ...
ARTHLENE LAUDAT LAWRENCE
When carrying the burden of problems and stress that life seems to endlessly hurtle towards us. We g...
GARY F EVANS...
To have hope in an age where hope is very scarce and hurt, jealousy and pain are more prominent is a...
GARY F EVANS...
Honestly, Erstad plays hard. He's a great kid and he's a great ballplayer, he really is. I don't kno...
BOBBY COX
In America, it's where you end up that matters, not how you get there. As long as you get there, no ...
ERNESTO QUIñONEZ
If you can control a man's thinking, you do not have to worry about his actions. When you determine ...
GEORGE G. WOODSON
He is the one guy who would try to run through a wall if I asked him and not ask any questions.
JOE GIRARDI
If a man defrauds you one time, he is a rascal; if he does it twice, you are a fool.
What we ask of him is, that he should find out for us more than we can find out for ourselves. He mu...
ARTHUR SYMONS
If you are lost while travelling on the road, then if you ask a guide of the road, you will find the...
DADA BHAGWAN

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX
Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX
All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX
We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX
Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX
Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
[When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX
I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX
I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX
I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX
Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX
I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX
I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX
Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX