There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

You can't fix stupid.

You can't cure stupid (2010)

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.