There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
Related I'm still a big 'Grey's Anatomy' fan. BROOKE ELLIOTT I used to watch 'Grey's Anatomy' pretty religiously. ERINN HAYES People call me for the ballads. Apparently that's where I've been pigeonholed. But it's ... SIA I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX Racing, competing, it's in my blood. It's part of me, it's part of my life; I have been ... AYRTON SENNA You just suddenly think that there's something quite childish about acting. Basically, it's ... KEVIN WHATELY I've been at the very bottom of poverty, and it's not so bad. It's even kind of interest... CAROLYN SEE I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got re... ELLEN DEGENERES I always find Victoria's Secret models a bit weird. EDIE CAMPBELL I just can't get used to the idea of being somebody unreal in people's minds. I can't li... ZADIE SMITH I think being recognized more is something you have to get used to, whether it's here or in Cali... AARON RODGERS Before 'Grey's Anatomy,' I was doing musicals, plays, commercials, you name it. CHANDRA WILSON I like to think that faith has been a part of my life since I was a lot younger. It's definitely... NICK GOEPPER It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'... STEVEN WRIGHT Being on a Michael Bay set is... well, it's the only set I've ever been on. But I would imag... ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY There's something sort of intrinsic in being a Southerner that doesn't go away. You can'... NATALIE ZEA I'm restless. I'm all the time here and there and trying to get myself busy and creative. It... EDGAR RAMIREZ I believe in God. It's a big part of my life. You can bring it up and talk about it without bein... BRANDON FLOWERS Being Somali, being Muslim, it's always something I've been very proud of. HALIMA ADEN It's just a way of trying to get to a third thing that's not particular to any quote-unquote... CHARLIE HUNTER I don't regret what I've been through. I've had ups and downs, super highs and some real... JENNIFER LOPEZ One time I tried bangs, and people just weren't feeling it at all, but it's my hair. It'... JUSTINE SKYE I'm proud to say that I was that guy playing the character of Dr. Burke on 'Grey's Anato... ISAIAH WASHINGTON I've had so many hot, cheesy, corny loves of music in my life. I had a very intense Billy Joel p... JACK BLACK I do freestyle jumping. Been doing since I was eight years old and can't quit. I'm addicted.... VANILLA ICE I've never really been very good at marriage. It's one of my failures. I've tried my bes... LEN GOODMAN It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a... KATE BOSWORTH It's lovely being a producer. It's really a lot of fun and I can learn a lot. SAM RAIMI I love TV. I love being behind the scenes on a TV show but there's something about, I don't ... SIMON COWELL People ask me, 'How's 'Teen Wolf?' and I tell them it's literally the best job I... SHELLEY HENNIG I have a mess in my head sometimes, and there's something very satisfying about putting it into ... CARRIE FISHER If you want something, work hard for it, go after it. I can't worry about all the 'no's,... MARA BROCK AKIL I find that if I don't have enough physical activity in life, I don't do as well with anythi... BETSY HODGES What's interesting about Lego is it's constantly reminding you that it's a facsimile of ... CHRISTOPHER MILLER Shooting clay targets is a very cleansing experience. It's very relaxing. It takes a lot of conc... TOM SELLECK I'm very physical. It's an important part of being a woman - feeling good about yourself and... SUMMER GLAU 'If I Should Love Again' - I was just so impressed with myself writing something like that. ... BARRY MANILOW There is something magical about that green coat. I mean that sincerely. It's a very special wee... FUZZY ZOELLER I've never had much interest in spinoffery - the idea of writing in someone else's universe ... ALASTAIR REYNOLDS Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH I'm extremely proud of being Latin; it's a big part of my life. It's not something I out... JOANNA GARCIA London 'Harry Potter' premieres are very special events: There is this sense of love and own... MICHAEL GOLDENBERG I believe in exploration, and I will miss being on the front lines of that endeavor. On one hand, I ... SCOTT KELLY I haven't seen it this busy since I've been an IndyCar driver. So I think that's a great... DAN WHELDON Hmm... my bedroom's really messy. It's probably the messiest bedroom you could ever think of... PIXIE LOTT Everyone Instagrams all the people they are with. I get that it's part of the job. But there'... EDIE CAMPBELL What's the best part of a movie? I love to know what my name is. It's just so fun. That'... ELLE FANNING Every time I rap about being a big girl in a small world, it's doing a couple things: it's e... LIZZO There is something sinister, something quite biographical about what I do - but that part is for me.... ALEXANDER MCQUEEN I'm a big fan of 'Glee.' I think it's really smart. And I think it's well-timed.... CORY MONTEITH It's like being at the kids' table at Thanksgiving - you can put your elbows on it, you don&... JOHN HUGHES Driving will never be away from me - I can't just give it up. It's all I've ever done, a... JIMMIE JOHNSON About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo... PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only... RICK RIORDAN He never seemed to get tired. Always first up and ready to move on. Never afraid of what lay ahead. ERIN HUNTER I have to say that when I first started singing, I didn't think it was a very noble profession. ... LESLEY GORE I've been a fan for a long time, and it's a reason I wanted to be a part of it. Now I'm ... YURI LOWENTHAL What is interesting about me isn't that I am a mother, it is who I am. I love my family, but if ... LAETITIA CASTA I don't know why, it's the same reason why you like some music and you don't like others... JERRY GARCIA You don't know when you're being watched. That's one of the weird things about celebrity... DENZEL WASHINGTON I think there's something really freeing about improv, that it's a collective, creative, in-... TATIANA MASLANY I've never really been concerned about being typecast, for me it's just about enjoying my wo... DAVID BOREANAZ Certainly, I think being depressed is absolutely part of the human condition, it has to be, if there... BOB GELDOF It is a small world. You do not have to live in it particuarly long to learn that for yourself. Ther... NEIL GAIMAN There's something really fun about being scared, and I guess that was at least part of why I wan... PATRICK CARMAN I've grown as a person. The dynamics on this set are very demanding because we work a lot of hou... ELISABETH ROHM I've found that there's a lot to invigorate in any country or destination - it's all abo... BOB BEAMON There's a particular style that is very Peru that you don't see anywhere else; it's got ... MARIO TESTINO If there is something that strikes me as interesting or beautiful or something I could learn from, a... TAVI GEVINSON I had been to New Mexico many times. I loved it. It's a very exotic, interesting, severely crazy... CAMPBELL SCOTT I like the collarbone, a very clean collarbone. I think there's something also very delicate and... GUGU MBATHA-RAW There's a great joy in my giving. It's thrilling. It's exhilarating. It's important ... W. CLEMENT STONE I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre... STEVEN WRIGHT I think the prom is very serious also. It's an American ritual, it's a rite of passage, and ... MARY ELLEN MARK I've led a very isolated existence since I was 6 years old. It's kind of been me and my mind... MACAULAY CULKIN It's weird, when I go back to San Francisco, the few times that I've done shows there since ... KASKADE It's a great stretch for me to do my game show. It's very hard. It's not me at all. The ... BEN STEIN As an actor, I've grown considerably. It's taken me years to get comfortable doing a romanti... SANJAY DUTT When I see 'Sunshine,' I see a film that part of me is kind of very proud of and another par... ALEX GARLAND There's a lot of things that are good in Scientology, because I wouldn't have been in it. An... LEAH REMINI It's a clique that I've never been a part of. It's not like I identify them in a negativ... RANDY HARRISON I think I have a great deal of self-hatred, a profound feeling of fraudulence, of being detestable a... TONY KUSHNER You want to play another kind of character in another genre, and it's been something I've be... KEANU REEVES There's something distinct and interesting about a live performance. There's this weird imme... K. FLAY I've gotten to know a lot of great people here in all the different sports. It's fun. It'... AARON RODGERS I'm always drawn towards the darker stuff, because I think it's just a lot more interesting.... IWAN RHEON But it's the particularity of a place, the physical experience of being in a place, that makes i... HARI KUNZRU I want people to know me for my singing. I've never been searching for a label of being a fashio... JOYCE DIDONATO My first meeting as a senator, my first day, they were already talking about the next election. Part... EVAN BAYH It's always exciting to see different cities I love, and go on tour buses. It's so much fun ... JACKIE EVANCHO I've been very hands-on with everything I've done since I had my children. And it's just... BRITNEY SPEARS I don't think you can cry if the script is rubbish. I have to feel it; it's as simple as tha... OLIVIA COLMAN When you take something that's inert, and through motion, give it life, make it appear to be ali... JOHN LASSETER I'm rarely in a position where I can actually answer my phone without being rude to someone else... STEVE HUFFMAN I don't think you ever stop giving. I really don't. I think it's an on-going process. An... OPRAH WINFREY It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON There's no changing your mind about whom you love. That's part of the tough thing about bein... PIPER PERABO My dad's whole family is in Madras and I was born in America so we didn't have that big Indi... MINDY KALING I've become President of the Author's Guild, and, in part because they thought I had to know... SCOTT TUROW
More Steven Wright
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching... STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str... STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space... STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it? STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero. STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo... STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b... STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people? STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t... STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ... STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an... STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good. STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be... STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough. STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio. STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w... STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ... STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th... STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g... STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-... STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often? STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro... STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca... STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film... STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre... STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex... STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t... STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The... STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di... STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ... STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato... STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ... STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark? STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja... STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i... STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord. STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f... STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during... STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc... STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g... STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi... STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I... STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force... STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age? STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black... STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually... STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers. STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe... STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand. STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening. STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus? STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it? STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant... STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right... STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You... STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t... STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice? STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ... STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go... STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ... STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build... STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after... STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...... STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'... STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c... STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov... STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W... STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap... STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u... STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m... STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus? STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ... STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ... STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li... STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to... STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament... STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub... STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices, STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact... STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W... STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba... STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it. STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote" STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma... STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st... STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ... STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never... STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? STEVEN WRIGHT Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big... STEVEN WRIGHT Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. STEVEN WRIGHT My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several... STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. STEVEN WRIGHT I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so... STEVEN WRIGHT I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you�... STEVEN WRIGHT I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out... STEVEN WRIGHT Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. STEVEN WRIGHT I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving... STEVEN WRIGHT It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, mayb... STEVEN WRIGHT