There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a other must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.