These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks, Freud would let you treat him, and that included a choice of any two vegetables. Thirty dollars an hour! Fifty dollars an hour! The Kaiser only got twelve and a quarter for being Kaiser! And he had to walk to work! And the length of treatment! Two years! Five years! If one of us couldn’t cure a patient in six months we would refund his money, take him to any musical revue and he would receive either a mahogany fruit bowl or a set of stainless steel carving knives. I remember you could always tell the patients Jung failed with, as he would give them large stuffed pandas.
Woody Allen
Related I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES You dreaded asking him about his vacation because he would talk to you for an hour about what he did... PAMELA DIXON If you work for a man, in heavens name work for him!If he pays you wages that supply you your bread ... ELBERT HUBBARD He treated that general worse than you would treat a dog, and he had a duty to provide humane treatm... MAJ. TIERNAN DOLAN He would have to treat it like any other match. You have to go out and wrestle hard for six minutes. ANDY WEIS Not only is there no need of an intermediary through whom He would want you to speak to Him, but He ... ALPHONSUS LIGUORI If it were true love, he would never make you sacrifice your dignity to be with him. He would respec... SHANNON L. ALDER He treated that general worse than you would treat a dog and he did so knowing he was required to tr... MAJ. TIERNAN DOLAN History is a wheel, for the nature of man is fundamentally unchanging. What has happened before will... GEORGE R.R. MARTIN The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.... TERRY PRATCHETT He thought of it as a contest, like the children at school who would twist your arm and say Give in?... MARGARET ATWOOD (All the grief she had suffered over her lifetime had moulded her face into a mask of eternal sadnes... JEAN SASSON He was going to break my legs ,” she said, her chin held high, the barest quaver in her voice. “... LEIGH BARDUGO He treats a girl just like he would treat a guy, and he makes them work just as hard as he would a g... JAKE SMITH Generation X people would somehow track me down and want to know about him, ... I remember he had to... ELLIS AMBURN He swore by all that he ever had loved and reverenced that he would try, try with all his might in t... GENE STRATTON-PORTER ...that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't... C. S. LEWIS We let a president sit for eight years, and this is a man that runs the country. He's got eight year... MARK SHEPHERD As they scuffled in the grass, Adam closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He could nearly scry j... MAGGIE STIEFVATER John Howard Davies was not a very human person... if you made a mistake of any kind, any sort of pau... GRAHAM CHAPMAN Omnipotent-benevolent simply means that God is all-powerful and well-meaning.' 'I understand th... DAN BROWN Any ballplayers that played for me on either the Cardinals or the Yankees could come to me if he wer... MILLER HUGGINS You may fancy the Lord had His own power to fall back upon. But that would have been to Him just the... GEORGE MACDONALD He's for you and wants to help you be the person He created you to be. CRAIG GROESCHEL Yeah, it would have been nice. Any time you get to play with a player of Randy's caliber, it would b... DONALD COPELAND If you are to give him the whole of Great Britain and Ireland for an estate, he would ask the Isle o... LORD NORTH Instead of putting someone in prison for being a hooligan, give him a choice. He may have beaten som... DAVID BAILEY If Jesus comes back tomorrow, would your actions cause him to hug you or would he have a tear in his... PETER STROPLE In a few minutes she would be alone with him; she would run down the ladder, and let him see her; th... BARONESS EMMUSKA ORCZY And he gave him none inheritance in it, no, not so much as to set his foot on: yet he promised that ... BIBLE I started thinking about that, and I used to think that the Talib would come, and he would just kill... MALALA YOUSAFZAI Last year when he came to us, he wanted someone who would believe in him and give him a run in the s... ALAN CURBISHLEY Treat a man as he appears to be, and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he were what he poten... JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE WHAT DADDY WOULD HAVE DONE First he would have listened intently which one could always t... URSULA DENISE WALKER I sat with him for three hours and we did not exchange a single word. At the end he handed me, as he... EVA BRAUN It used to be that you would hunt on the weekends. Nowadays, we love it so much and it's our little ... BRIAN GLENN His discontent stemmed from dislike rather than appreciation for the hardness growing in him, and th... ROBERTA PEARCE Yet Nathan appreciated being alone as he sipped his cold glass of beer. It gave him time to think. I... MARKO PHIRI He looked ninety years old for thirty years and then he got the notion that he would die, and did so... RICHARD BRAUTIGAN He has a gun for an arm, but the things he can do with his legs. For one thing, he can fly. Number t... BRIAN DAWKINS I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ... C.S. LEWIS You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need t... CHRIS ROCK The rule of thumb is that you dress one or two levels higher than the job that you're going for. If ... KATE WENDLETON The Bear and the Fox
A bear boasted very much of his philanthropy, saying that of all animals he was... AESOP Any time that we invited him to dinner or had a roundtable discussion, he would always be there and ... ADAM TELLE I let him know a hurt had been mended in a way that he couldn’t have known, and for that alone the... JOJO MOYES If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is; if you treat him as he ought to be and could b... GOETHE He helped so much with the young guys. He was just easy to talk to and would give you a straight ans... LARRY ROTHSCHILD He never smoked and he was a physical fitness person, very healthy in his lifestyle. With any luck h... BRENDAN MALLON I would not trade you a billion dollars for the kids I led to combat in Vietnam or in fact any of th... OLIVER NORTH My dad was a Muslim and would pray five times a day. I would pray with him as much as I could, in th... BAT FOR LASHES From him I got my love for music, and for many years I was the classical music critic for magazines ... MARK ROTHKO Night after night in the '50s, I traveled all over New York City. The promoter had 10 acts, and ... TINY TIM Jimmy would judge all patience tests against that first night in Deer Island [Prison], ... He would ... DENNIS LEHANE We must take arms each and every day, perhaps knowing that the battle cannot be entirely won, but fi... RAY BRADBURY When one spends to offer a better cure to the patient, one ends up saving money as it would save the... JOSEPH MUSCAT You're still lovely," Mor said a bit gently. Elain offered a half smile. "I suppose that war m... SARAH J. MAAS I was a good sight reader and I could sing two or three of these jingles a day. An orchestra would c... VALERIE SIMPSON We have two boys, and one of our kids is much more interested in history and stories, so if you want... MEGAN SMITH I asked him if it were a mirage, and he said yes. I said it was a dream, and he agreed, But said it ... NEIL GAIMAN Most of us live for the critic, and he lives on us. He doesn't sacrifice himself. He gets so muc... WILLIAM MORRIS HUNT Continuing a series on the person of Jesus: When Christ was in the world, He was despised by men; ... THOMAS À KEMPIS You could not keep Michael down, ... He might be down and out for a little while, but if you gave hi... DANIEL HERBERT I got involved with an acting school and studied for a couple years. They used to have improv exerci... BARRY LEVINSON If you treat an individual as he is, he will stay as he is; but if you treat him as if he were what ... JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE My dad was in the military, yeah. He was in the Air Force, and he was a doctor, so he would go place... FELICIA DAY With a smile of grim satisfaction, he bellowed his call. And the rebels surged forward in an act tha... BRIAN HERBERT The guy guarding (Kaiser) had three fouls. He's not a rugged post defender. We figured, get it in th... DEAN ELLIS He gave me a stack of batting gloves. He said, 'Mike, if you need anything, you let me know.' I woul... MIKE AVILES I will go,” he said. “I will go to Troy.” The rosy gleam of his lip, the fevered green of... MADELINE MILLER He did not want to play. He wanted to meet in the real world the unsubstantial image which his soul ... JAMES JOYCE If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were wh... JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE The key to making healthy decisions is to respect your future self. Honor him or her. Treat him or h... A.J. JACOBS I'd give Leland about a C grade for the game. I don't think he gave up a lot of bad goals where you ... KEVIN CONSTANTINE Love yourself and treat yourself as you would treat your very best friend. You deserve the same love... DEMI LOVATO Don't you see?" he said. "This could go on for another five years, another ten years, and then where... TONY PARSONS I asked him about it when we were together a couple of weeks ago. He's always been apprehensive, hav... GEORGE MARTIN I would give you a laugh every day if I could,” he said. “I would do the same for you... THERESA ROMAIN A lack of resources may slow you down, but don't let it make you throw away a big idea. Give God... ROBERT H. SCHULLER You could definitely hear in his voice that he was sorry for what he did and he expressed that he ha... JARED DUDLEY I asked him about it when we were together a couple of weeks ago. He's always been apprehensive, hav... GEORGE MARTIN The Fox Who Had Lost His Tail
A fox caught in a trap escaped, but in so doing lost his tail. Therea... AESOP He used to hide his true self because he feared people wouldn’t like him, or would judge him for b... SCOTT STABILE A true teacher would never tell you what to do. But he would give you the knowledge with which you c... CHRISTOPHER PIKE You might call him a promiscuous sitter, ... He would sit for just about any artist in the last 10 y... FRED VOSS A real man can see your problems & accept you for them; if he really cared, he would help you to the... JILLIAN JOYCE AARSVOLD He got it in his system that he wanted to help people, and he would do it. If you needed anything, h... PATRICK CORCORAN He's unfailingly patient. He never panics. He has a knack for taking a lot of pressure off of everyb... NED YOST Put on all state of the art technologies as we have today and then pay a little visit to a primitive... TOBA BETA My dad was always busy. You would pop round for a cup of tea, and within minutes you would see him w... RACHEL JOYCE The wind god Favonius had warned him in Croatia: If you let your anger rule you … your fate will b... RICK RIORDAN Outside he hurried again, for he had several blocks to walk and the beer turned out to be no more th... DOUGLAS WOOLF Our hearts, they need a mirror, Tessa. We see our better selves in the eyes of those who love us. An... CASSANDRA CLARE My friend, I am going to tell you the story of my life, as you wish; and if it were only the story o... BLACK ELK It is no hard matter to adhere to God while you are in the enjoyment of His comforts and consolation... WILLIAM BACKHOUSE I told him angrily that I had been in front-line combat for over five months and no one would let me... GEORGE WILSON I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a l... NEIL GAIMAN When he was gone in Utah we missed him a lot. He would get everyone in the back going and when he wa... LOUIS FALCON Pride is not your friend. He would have you think he is, that he affords you strength and cour... RICHELLE E. GOODRICH They would advertise in a local newspaper for a caretaker and someone who could do light office work... DETECTIVE TROY CASTILLO
More Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. WOODY ALLEN Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and pot... WOODY ALLEN I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. WOODY ALLEN I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. WOODY ALLEN My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. WOODY ALLEN If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very in... WOODY ALLEN What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my car... WOODY ALLEN What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? WOODY ALLEN There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman... WOODY ALLEN God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. WOODY ALLEN I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . I want to achieve it through not dying. WOODY ALLEN The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. WOODY ALLEN The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to m... WOODY ALLEN There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and w... WOODY ALLEN Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!' WOODY ALLEN Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any WOODY ALLEN sex is simple, love stings afterwards. WOODY ALLEN If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk. WOODY ALLEN I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. WOODY ALLEN Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. WOODY ALLEN Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. WOODY ALLEN I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens. WOODY ALLEN Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. WOODY ALLEN Due to current economic conditions the light
at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. WOODY ALLEN What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jum... WOODY ALLEN You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark? WOODY ALLEN You're born free, then you're taxed to death. WOODY ALLEN It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. WOODY ALLEN The decision to decide is a decision in itself. WOODY ALLEN One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, tha... WOODY ALLEN Growing up is amazing, until you get old! WOODY ALLEN All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white... WOODY ALLEN If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me! WOODY ALLEN I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social. WOODY ALLEN Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. WOODY ALLEN The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. WOODY ALLEN I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. WOODY ALLEN I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. WOODY ALLEN In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Th... WOODY ALLEN Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. WOODY ALLEN A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. WOODY ALLEN Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that y... WOODY ALLEN Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -... WOODY ALLEN If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. WOODY ALLEN In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and... WOODY ALLEN My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else. WOODY ALLEN Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. WOODY ALLEN It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic. WOODY ALLEN I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked... WOODY ALLEN For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermu... WOODY ALLEN Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats. WOODY ALLEN The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.. WOODY ALLEN Marriage is the death of hope. WOODY ALLEN Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. WOODY ALLEN I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I... WOODY ALLEN I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. WOODY ALLEN I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. WOODY ALLEN I am at two with nature. WOODY ALLEN Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. WOODY ALLEN If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. WOODY ALLEN I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. WOODY ALLEN On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down. WOODY ALLEN I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. WOODY ALLEN It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the ba... WOODY ALLEN I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead. WOODY ALLEN In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. WOODY ALLEN If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. WOODY ALLEN Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to ... WOODY ALLEN More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and ut... WOODY ALLEN A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. An... WOODY ALLEN Eighty percent of success is showing up. WOODY ALLEN What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy... WOODY ALLEN I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. WOODY ALLEN Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. WOODY ALLEN Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exc... WOODY ALLEN A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. WOODY ALLEN It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is ... WOODY ALLEN I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. WOODY ALLEN I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me WOODY ALLEN To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. ... WOODY ALLEN Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. WOODY ALLEN Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex an... WOODY ALLEN What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours. WOODY ALLEN How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. WOODY ALLEN Innovation is the ability to see change as an opportunity - not a threat WOODY ALLEN Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF. WOODY ALLEN Eternity is really long, especially near the end WOODY ALLEN I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy ... WOODY ALLEN I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. WOODY ALLEN Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. WOODY ALLEN If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take tw... WOODY ALLEN Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions WOODY ALLEN A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight ... WOODY ALLEN The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. WOODY ALLEN The best way to find your perfect match is to meet love halfway. WOODY ALLEN There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem t... WOODY ALLEN Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on offi... WOODY ALLEN To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. WOODY ALLEN Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they f... WOODY ALLEN Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. WOODY ALLEN Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. WOODY ALLEN I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. WOODY ALLEN It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad o... WOODY ALLEN Tradition is the illusion of permanance. WOODY ALLEN Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in t... WOODY ALLEN Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. WOODY ALLEN To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. WOODY ALLEN I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to fin... WOODY ALLEN I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. WOODY ALLEN He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. WOODY ALLEN Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty da... WOODY ALLEN Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boa... WOODY ALLEN As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure ou... WOODY ALLEN In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. WOODY ALLEN The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't h... WOODY ALLEN I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. WOODY ALLEN I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. WOODY ALLEN I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. WOODY ALLEN Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. WOODY ALLEN My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make fi... WOODY ALLEN I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the bo... WOODY ALLEN It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. WOODY ALLEN The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. WOODY ALLEN I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife WOODY ALLEN If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job WOODY ALLEN It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. WOODY ALLEN I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. WOODY ALLEN Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving? WOODY ALLEN Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird. WOODY ALLEN The wicked at heart probably know something. WOODY ALLEN My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately? WOODY ALLEN Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. WOODY ALLEN If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job. WOODY ALLEN Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. WOODY ALLEN I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy ... WOODY ALLEN I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead. WOODY ALLEN For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath ... WOODY ALLEN We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi. WOODY ALLEN The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to m... WOODY ALLEN Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. WOODY ALLEN My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. WOODY ALLEN It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat... WOODY ALLEN It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. WOODY ALLEN Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought--... WOODY ALLEN If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. WOODY ALLEN If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say ab... WOODY ALLEN I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way aroun... WOODY ALLEN I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. WOODY ALLEN I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. WOODY ALLEN I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. WOODY ALLEN I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. WOODY ALLEN How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? WOODY ALLEN How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typ... WOODY ALLEN His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. WOODY ALLEN Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. WOODY ALLEN As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to g... WOODY ALLEN Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be ther... WOODY ALLEN More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter... WOODY ALLEN You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundre... WOODY ALLEN Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? WOODY ALLEN When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. WOODY ALLEN Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverag... WOODY ALLEN The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get y... WOODY ALLEN Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. WOODY ALLEN On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. WOODY ALLEN Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. WOODY ALLEN My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. WOODY ALLEN Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. WOODY ALLEN Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. WOODY ALLEN A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires. WOODY ALLEN Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declare... WOODY ALLEN The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. WOODY ALLEN Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. WOODY ALLEN I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants WOODY ALLEN I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! WOODY ALLEN Everytime I hear Wagner I feel like invading Poland. WOODY ALLEN She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could ca... WOODY ALLEN My brain? That´s my second favourite organ. WOODY ALLEN I think any boycott is wrong, ... Boycotts were exactly what the Germans were doing against the Jews... WOODY ALLEN Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you ca... WOODY ALLEN Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. WOODY ALLEN As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to ge... WOODY ALLEN Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. WOODY ALLEN There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says... WOODY ALLEN I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horr... WOODY ALLEN If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. WOODY ALLEN I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life. WOODY ALLEN It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet... WOODY ALLEN Subjectivity is objective. WOODY ALLEN The most expensive sex is free sex WOODY ALLEN It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blow... WOODY ALLEN We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth. WOODY ALLEN I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot WOODY ALLEN Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed. WOODY ALLEN You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The parad... WOODY ALLEN This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The... WOODY ALLEN The heart wants what it wants. WOODY ALLEN We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand sc... WOODY ALLEN Chapter 1 . He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion...no, make t... WOODY ALLEN My brain? That's my second favorite organ. WOODY ALLEN