They had become muffled and distant then anyway. This happened in those first days after the wave. I couldn't find their faces, they quivered as in a heat haze. Even in my stupor I knew that details of them were dropping away from me crumbs. Still, whenever they emerged, I panicked.

I must stop remembering... The more I remember, the greater my agony. These thoughts stuttered in my mind...

I must be more watchful, I told myself. I must shut them out.

I couldn't always keep this up.

My boys. I don't have them to hold. What do I do with my arms?

I will kill myself soon. But until then how do l tame my pain?

You’re not the same. You’re not supposed to be the same. You’re supposed to be different. This isn’t something you will ever forget.

...and then I began to drift, fighting tears. I used to come here with Miriam. Miriam, my heart's desire. What was troubling her this morning? Maybe Kate had reproached her on the phone for leaving me? How dare Kate.
Oh yeah? Go for it, my darling. Remind her of what she's missing. No, don't.