Martin Short quote: "This is satire. I am a satirist. Modern-day society has this obsession with needing to know every ounce of angst about performers' lives, to the point that it becomes more important than whether they can perform."

Being the youngest of five, you're adored, you're fueled with confidence.
MARTIN SHORT

What's great about being a character actor is you know that you can survive forever. It's no...
MARTIN SHORT

All these things that enter your head are assignments. You write them up and then throw them out the...
MARTIN SHORT

One of my great influences was Don Knotts as Barney Fife.
MARTIN SHORT

David Lynch and I almost made a movie together in the late '80s. We had lots of dinners and lunc...
MARTIN SHORT

What I learned, a little too late, was that the 'traditional' Martin Short target viewer wei...
MARTIN SHORT

We find you have be careful about what you make up, because it'll come back to haunt you. I make up ...
MARTIN SHORT

People do think I'm Jewish. But we're Irish Catholic. My father had a brogue.
MARTIN SHORT

What I learned, a little too late, was that the 'traditional' Martin Short target viewer weighs unde...
MARTIN SHORT

What's great about being a character actor is you know that you can survive forever. It's not about ...
MARTIN SHORT

Every market is crowded and competitive, ... and everyone survives based on whether we want to visit...
MARTIN SHORT

You try to figure out things to keep yourself interested. It's very easy to get lulled.
MARTIN SHORT

I hate to lull the audience into letting them think that something is something. It's always fun...
MARTIN SHORT

I pretend I'm one of the royal family when I'm in a hotel and that the hotel belongs to me -...
MARTIN SHORT

He's an original genius,
MARTIN SHORT

He is a complete goof and so stylish, I mean everything about Franz is about chic, it doesn't really...
MARTIN SHORT

I mean that the time where we need International agreement more than ever on the environment and the...
CLARE SHORT

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
SOLOMON SHORT

Don't press your luck, you might pop it.
SHORT QUOTES

If you're all wrapped up in yourself then you are overdressed.
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I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
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Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
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If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
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To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
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To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.
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Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
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I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at...
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I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire tru...
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Why are you waiting so long to report your stolen car to the police? I'm giving them time to fix it...
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Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's only a poster on a wall.
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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
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Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
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I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
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Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini...
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The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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'Press any key to continue, where's the any key?' - Homer Simpson
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Sometimes you succeed.... and other times you learn.
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The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck.
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The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
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The road to success is always under construction.
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
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Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
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If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
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If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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I took my dog to the fire hydrant factory. They never saw so much excitement every time a hydrant ca...
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What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
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I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats...
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Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
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You can talk to yourself and you can answer yourself, but if feel the need to pardon yourself, that'...
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Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
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A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time whe...
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his ...
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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
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They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hu...
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If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
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My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
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Don't make me laugh, I'm trying to be mad at you.
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Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge.
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The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.
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A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to c...
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What does a homeless person do the first time you let them use a computer? Searches through the rec...
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If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet.
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I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I...
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The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
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The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.
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For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.
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In spring birds return from their tropical vacation. Six months later they regret their decision and...
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The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
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I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor...
SHORT QUOTES

Chess is ruthless: you've got to be prepared to kill people.
NIGEL SHORT

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and cer...
SOLOMON SHORT

People have accused me of being in favor of globalization. This is equivalent to accusing me of bein...
CLARE SHORT

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb about.
SOLOMON SHORT

A good sacrifice is one that is not necessarily sound but leaves your opponent dazed and confused.
NIGEL SHORT

(Linebacker) was something that was a weakness on the team last year. Now hopefully it'll be a stren...
BRANDON SHORT

He's one of the most amazing athletes I've ever seen. Hopefully we will take what was a weakness on ...
BRANDON SHORT

The Giants have always been a class organization, and I'm happy to be back and be a part of it. I ha...
BRANDON SHORT

The Cowboys kicked our butt. They executed better than we did. I never would have expected it.
BRANDON SHORT

What happens on the field is its own world. The stuff those people are dealing with is their lives i...
BRANDON SHORT

He's a tremendous athlete, with his speed and his tackling ability. To have someone like him who is ...
BRANDON SHORT

It's a totally different dynamic this year. It's a lot more spread around. We've got a lot of guys w...
BRANDON SHORT

It's a totally different dynamic this year. It's a lot more spread around.
BRANDON SHORT

Once in a while, I try to sneak in something less known anyway.
BOBBY SHORT

If you try to do that in pop music - to play only rare show tunes, for example - people don't come.
BOBBY SHORT

I was very young at the time, and I mainly appreciated their vocal qualities, even though I was alre...
BOBBY SHORT

I link them together myself, but Robeson was many, many different things. He possessed a brilliant i...
BOBBY SHORT

Even in today's opera world, the position of the black tenor is problematic.
BOBBY SHORT

I listen constantly to classical music and I find that stretches my imagination. I listen to some co...
BOBBY SHORT

But life is tough and if you're creative, it's tougher.
BOBBY SHORT

A diploma only proves that you know how to look up answers.
SOLOMON SHORT

Obviously this is the world descending into worse and worse standards of targeting civilians both in...
CLARE SHORT

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
SOLOMON SHORT

Most of us women like men, you know; it's just that we find them a constant disappointment
CLARE SHORT

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriter...
SOLOMON SHORT

I mean enormous pressure was brought to bear - Valerie Amos, Lady Amos, went round Africa with peopl...
CLARE SHORT

Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how...
SOLOMON SHORT

So my own suspicion is that the attorney has stopped this prosecution because part of her defence wa...
CLARE SHORT

I do tumbling and flips; there's a gym I go to for that.
JAKE SHORT

That's a long wagon train,
MICHAEL SHORT

If God is watching us, we might as well be interesting.
SOLOMON SHORT

Reckless with our government;
reckless with his own future, position and place in history.
CLARE SHORT

We need to keep this Labour government, it has a good chance of another term.
CLARE SHORT

They seem now to have started rounding up refugees queuing to leave Kosovo and returning them by for...
CLARE SHORT

There are communities that have not been as proactive as say, San Francisco and Oakland in having a ...
MARC SHORT

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at
SOLOMON SHORT

I started the site as a hobby while I was a nursing student, and 10 years later, over 500,000 people...
BRIAN SHORT

For the first time ever we are capable of removing abject poverty, illiteracy and the diseases of po...
CLARE SHORT

In the UK we have a tariff that allows unlimited calls. International tariffs are more challenging, ...
MIKE SHORT

It needs to become as easy to get hold of a condom in a poor country as Coca-Cola,
CLARE SHORT

I think everyone agrees we would have done better with a different leader,
CLARE SHORT

I will not uphold a breach of international law or this undermining of the U.N. and will resign from...
CLARE SHORT

I just couldn't believe that he would do it, that anyone could be so deceitful over a matter of war,...
CLARE SHORT

You might not think it to read the coverage in the British media, but this woman is some kind of her...
CLARE SHORT

Reckless with our government;reckless with his own future, position and place in history.
CLARE SHORT

This is a war,
CLARE SHORT

There's not enough movement. We've got a system that is completely stuck,
CLARE SHORT

We have reports of systematic and organized use of rape,
CLARE SHORT

We remain concerned that refugees in Macedonia are being forced onto planes and buses. This is unacc...
CLARE SHORT

It's very ugly. We're spending a lot more, we're getting rich people to fund it, and it is corroding...
CLARE SHORT

One must strike the right balance between speed and quality.
CLARE SHORT

I'm not sending a minister because I don't expect it to be an effective summit.
CLARE SHORT

The Churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
ROBERT SHORT

King Sihanouk was an absolute monarch in the 1940s and 1950s. No one could publicly disagree with an...
PHILIP SHORT

I could not comment on any personal conversations Sheriff Young had with the operations center.
MARK SHORT

A lot of them are gone now. People are paying tribute to what took place out there.
ROBERT SHORT

We are looking at fixed roaming prices for certain Western European destinations.
MIKE SHORT

Maybe a bungee cord or something from his car.
JOHN SHORT

The church is the great lost and found department.
ROBERT SHORT

The problem is going to be finding the right words and implementing it in a way that is really deali...
CLARE SHORT

You always want to be one step better. This is the best finish we've ever had in the Sally George, w...
DOUG SHORT

Is it possible that you know what he was strangled with and you just didnt want to tell me?
JOHN SHORT

There is no doubt there is an Iraq effect and the Liberal Democrats are rising on that.
CLARE SHORT

The key in their minds [to] the money coming [through] Rotary is that they felt it would be responsi...
CLARE SHORT

[But she added:] I don't think he'll do it. ... When is he going?
CLARE SHORT

Well, we know for a fact that his belt was ripped off of his pants and he was strangled with his bel...
JOHN SHORT

We wondered if he would be into it after he lost on Friday, but he's come back well after a tough th...
DOUG SHORT

That's an accomplishment for these guys. We're a young group, so it makes it exciting for next year....
DOUG SHORT

On one hand it is disappointing, but we will have people on the podium.
DOUG SHORT

Mike has done a nice job of fighting back.
DOUG SHORT

It got pretty hectic, but it's a nice problem to have.
DOUG SHORT

You look at four wins and that's a great way to start. Even in the two matches we lost the kids were...
DOUG SHORT

I want them to enjoy the week because it is a great accomplishment to make it to state. Each kid has...
DOUG SHORT

We've got a good competitive league. Getting that many to district shows the strength of our wrestli...
DOUG SHORT

The guys have worked hard to be in this position at the end of the year. We had a tough schedule in ...
DOUG SHORT

There were people looting, but she wasn't one of them. Instead of chasing after people who were runn...
ELOIS SHORT

Only a small number of sound local and foreign financial institutions are being invited to participa...
ELLIS SHORT

Contrary to the many unfounded press reports recently, this sale will in no way be rushed.
ELLIS SHORT

I started the site while I was a nursing student. I had no idea that it would soon become my full-ti...
BRIAN SHORT

The choices have broadened out dramatically over the last five years.
BRIAN SHORT

I can say with full sincerity that I am happy. I'm happy because I'm doing what I love and I...
COLUMBUS SHORT

This team has a chance to finish as one of the best teams ever at this university.
DALE SHORT

We've seen a big improvement at No. 2 and No. 3 doubles, and we've seen a big improvement at No. 4, ...
DALE SHORT

The doubles point was huge. It's kind of worrisome that No. 1 doubles has been great for us, and the...
DALE SHORT

We lost so many 4-3 matches in the first half of the season that the guys started to question themse...
DALE SHORT

If you try to do that in pop music - to play only rare show tunes, for example - people don't co...
BOBBY SHORT

Chess is ruthless: you've got to be prepared to kill people.
NIGEL SHORT

I'm treating it as a group of kids who have issues with each other.
JAMES SHORT

The reason we chose to go in another direction has nothing to do with the wins and losses. We try no...
JAMES SHORT

Going nine deep, we can apply full-court pressure. We feel like we can wear down most teams.
MARK SHORT

It's always been a team of unselfish players. I'm so proud to see them get this far.
MARK SHORT

As a coach you always wonder what it's like to walk out on that floor at state, and now we get to fi...
MARK SHORT

I think we are ready.
MARK SHORT

Funds . . . were not shared to build capabilities throughout a larger community. Now, it's forcing c...
MARK SHORT

We do not have any reason to believe there are inaccuracies but we've agreed to make sure our data m...
MARC SHORT

The department [DHS] and the President have always favored a risk-based approach. It's members of Co...
MARC SHORT

What we're really practicing is risk mitigation. You will not be able to say everywhere every city i...
MARC SHORT

It is hard for us to know right now whether or not the localities have over-invested or under-invest...
MARC SHORT

This year, we identified 66 ports that we view as the greatest risk, and only those were eligible to...
MARC SHORT

There's nothing that would restrict a city from allocating funds to a church or synagogue that faces...
MARC SHORT

It's all about the Pac-10 tournament. We're probably playing our best ball of the season. Give us th...
MATT SHORT

Of course I'm not a racist, but I'm certainly right wing, there's no question about that.
NIGEL SHORT

Like a cornered animal, which turns instinctively to confront pursuing predators, Pol Pot viewed pol...
PHILIP SHORT

There are thousands and thousands of people on the other side of the border, not being fed, babies a...
CLARE SHORT

I don't know if my pro-am partners liked me much. I was on the phone all the time, kept text-messagi...
WES SHORT JR

But I done wore it earlier in the week, so I ran out. I'm a huge Longhorn fan, born and raised in Au...
WES SHORT JR

The childish idea that prayer is a handle by which we can take hold of God and obtain whatever we de...
ROBERT L. SHORT

Feast of Edward King, Bishop of Lincoln, Teacher, 1910 Commemoration of Martyrs of Uganda, 1886 & 19...
ROBERT L. SHORT

The New Testament is an intensely personal document. It is not the effort of a group of men who are ...
ROBERT L. SHORT

Feast of Michael & All Angels The nominal Christian, then, will see Jesus as a name, a representa...
ROBERT L. SHORT

Feast of Commemoration of Helena, Protector of the Faith, 330 The heart's slavish and dogged devot...
ROBERT L. SHORT

as Schulz himself has pointed out, Snoopy is capable of being 'one of the meanest' members of the en...
ROBERT L. SHORT

My bunker shot was made easier when Jim didn't hit it close. If I just hit it on the green, I win th...
WES SHORT JR

We haven't seen any red flags to indicate an increase in incidents of inmate-on-inmate or inmate-on-...
DEE DEE SHORT

We encourage the union to express their concerns at monthly labor-management meetings. They can alwa...
DEE DEE SHORT

We have to work within a budget. We feel we are doing that safely and securely and we evaluate this ...
DEE DEE SHORT

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death...
MARTIN

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love ca...
MARTIN

Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve.. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul gene...
MARTIN

A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.
MARTIN

It is the combination of reasonable talent and the ability to keep going in the face of defeat that ...
MARTIN SELIGMAN

This is satire. I am a satirist. Modern-day society has this obsession with needing to know every ounce of angst about performers' lives, to the point that it becomes more important than whether they can perform.

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Martin Short

This is satire. I am a satirist. Modern-day society has this obsession with needing to know every ounce of angst about performers' lives, to the point that it becomes more important than whether they can perform.

Martin Short

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