This year wasn’t like any before it, I learned more about myself and life an even love than I have in the entire seventeen years before. I learned I’m not the piece of shit everyone likes to believe I am. The piece of shit I believed I was. Someone told me that again and again and again, and it took me the better part of the year, but I think I finally believe her. Because I don’t need to believe where I’ve been is where I’m headed. And I don’t need to believe that one tragedy can shape the future. Only I can do that. I see that now. I also know that in the process of me learning this, the person who taught it to me lost her belief in me, and maybe even herself, and the whole damn world. I could go to jail a million times and nothing would be worse than what I did to her. She taught me how to love-she even gave me chance after chance to show her I was capable of it. And I failed her every time. I love you, Lucy Larson. And I’m sorry I had to ruin everything we had to recognize that. And I get why I lost you and I’ll never get you back. You save me, Lucy, and I didn’t return the favor. And I’m sorry, I just wanted you to know.

Nicole Williams