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Usually my writing is very over the top and bombastic and very, like, 'I'm amazing! Look at me!'

Mallory Ortberg

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It's so, so awful for my entire body and my spine and my hands, and I have a perfectly good desk to write at, but I don't care. I love writing in bed.
— Mallory Ortberg
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Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings.
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A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself.
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When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding.
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Ghost! I miss him! Is that weird? I miss him even though I invented him. I feel a lot of tenderness toward him. I don't write a lot of stuff that is sad or that is tender and affectionate, so that has a very special place in my heart.
— Mallory Ortberg
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