We all got here from somewhere else going back in our lineage. And I think these gratuitous attacks on Americans who got here recently or whose parents got here recently need to stop.


Mitch McConnell

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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG
People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR
When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS
I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM
People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM
If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM
My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM
Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM
You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE
Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM
You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM
Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM
Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM
You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM
But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM
I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM
So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prin...
MITCH ALBOM
But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Som...
MITCH ALBOM
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
MITCH ALBOM
Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring t...
MITCH ALBOM
The reason kids like rock 'n roll is their parents don't.
MITCH MILLER
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possibl...
MITCH RATLIFFE
Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that
MITCH ALBOM
Time is not what you think. Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on ea...
MITCH ALBOM
People are only mean when they're threatened, and that's what our culture does. That's what our econ...
MITCH ALBOM