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What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would GO OFF!! EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! HELLO! HELLO!!


George Carlin

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The first devices to record and play back music were the phonograph and the gramophone. The gramopho...
MARVIN AMMORI I am the Alexander Graham Bell of the phone company, the Christopher Columbus of America because aft...
CHUBBY CHECKER If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.
PLUTARCH If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT What Alexander Graham Bell thought up occupied less space than a flower vase. Now it's so small ...
P. J. O'ROURKE The iPhone will forever be associated with the inventive genius of Steve Jobs and Silicon Valley. Bu...
MARVIN AMMORI Graham hasn't missed yet. And actually, Langley is kicking off better than Graham.
BILL DOBA On the day he unveiled the Macintosh, a reporter from Popular Science asked Jobs what type of market...
WALTER ISAACSON When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the cl...
ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL On Telemarketer Phone Calls
“Hello?…Fuck you.
JUSTIN HALPERN Today's collaborative technologies are presenting a real challenge for patent law, ... and for the k...
ADAM JAFFE As to Bell's talking...
ELISHA GRAY Worship leader George Beverly Shea kidded Billy Graham that the latter would be unemployed in Heaven...
BILLY GRAHAM If I were not Alexander, then should wish to be Diogenes.
ALEXANDER, THE GREAT Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!
RICK RIORDAN In many ways we were what Billy and Ruth Graham called 'happily incompatible'.
GAYLE ROPER When you look at the light bulb above you, you remember Thomas Alva Edison. When the telephone bell ...
A. P. J. ABDUL KALAM Billy Graham isn't about politics - Billy Graham is about God.
DARIUS RUCKER I'm sure that the average person thought we would fold up right there. That's all everyone thinks we...
CHUCK DARBY Alexander the Great Alexander the Great Butcher .. how much responsibility does Aristotle his teache...
O ANNA NIEMUS When George Graham was there they complained, harking back to better days, but I think that's a ...
ALAN HANSEN I've been called funny. I assume my wife thinks I'm funny. But generally, if you bumped into...
ROBERT WEBB And they drew Alexander out of the multitude, the Jews putting him forward. And Alexander beckoned w...
BIBLE Hello there. Are you... ?
LOUELLA RICHEY You had me at hello.
JERRY MAGUIRE I just said hello, and he said 'Pablo,'
PAUL WELLSTONE Hello Claudine. Why are you here?
TOM MCMAHON They only have to say hello, and I've got them.
DEREK KOOL Hello all
HORACE MANN Graham needs more time,
FIVE LIVE I put off writing the first Left Behind book for a year because I got invited to assist Billy Graham...
JERRY B. JENKINS Hello, Harry. Hello, Draco. Have you been bad boys again?
J.K. ROWLING hello world and hello universe. Thank you all very much
MARILYN MANSON Bill Graham was a pack rat. I think Bill Graham just put everything down in that storage area and wa...
BILL SAGAN A tomb now suffices him for whom the world was not enough.

[Alexander's tombstone epit...
ALEXANDER THE GREAT My heroes were never scientists. They were Graham Greene and Christopher Isherwood, you know, good w...
JAMES D. WATSON 'Tis hard to realize when it is time to say goodbye to hello and hello to goodbye.
SARA STRAIN The next four-story townhouse that comes up on Alexander will go in the fives.
SID MILLER I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring...
JAMES JOYCE HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I-WANT-TO-TALK-TO-HARRY-POTTER!
J.K. ROWLING One HELLO? can change a life.
One HELLO? can save a life.
LIZA M. WIEMER Between the graham crackers and the warm milk.
RON BERNSTEIN James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.
DIANA GABALDON It is surely no coincidence that Napoleon's two greatest heroes were Alexander the Great and Jul...
SAUL DAVID If I met my idol, I would simply say hello. Not to be reduced to shaking jello.
STEVE RAY COLLINS Hello, Martin.
WILLIAM SLEATOR Hello Clarice...
THOMAS HARRIS What if somebody gave a war and
Nobody came?
Life would ring the bells of Ecstasy and
Forev...
ALLEN GINSBERG Alexander is a current Swedish international who is looking to go to the World Cup finals.
GEORGE BURLEY She thought how strange it would be if she ever said 'Hello' to him. One did not greet oneself each ...
AYN RAND Not all gays respond to the same stuff. Would Alexander the Great have loved Auntie Mame?
BRUCE BAWER Really? Worst film you ever saw. Well, my next one will be better. Hello. Hello.
ED WOOD Would Alexander, madman as he was, have been so much a madman, had it not been for Homer?
SAMUEL RICHARDSON There are men who would quickly love each other if once they were speak to each other; for when they...
ERNEST HELLO There are men who would quickly love each other if once they were speak to each other; for when th...
ERNEST HELLO The man who gives up accomplishes nothing and is only a hindrance. The man who does not give up can ...
ERNEST HELLO The Holy Bible is an abyss. It is impossible to explain how profound it is, impossible to explain ho...
ERNEST HELLO Judas jau nebėra vardas, bet šūksnis. Judas jau nebėra žodis, bet pasibaisėjimo mostas. Dėl t...
ERNEST HELLO HELLO! Look at me. HELLO! I am so ZEN. This is BLOOD. This is NOTHING. Hello. Everything is nothing,...
CHUCK PALAHNIUK Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go...
ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Hello Budapest, I'm so glad to be here . . .
DAVID MOYES I don't want to get into that now. I just want to say hello. I am here for a meeting.
MALCOLM GLAZER He could be her father. Hello?
KELSEY ALBRIGHT Hello Mr President,
ZINEDINE ZIDANE Hello you're with Drudge.
LIKE I We don't have a measure of abundance or population density of a single snake in Africa. We need that...
GRAHAM ALEXANDER When a human approaches the mother disappears down a hole, abandoning her young.
GRAHAM ALEXANDER I had reports from farmers that they had seen baby snakes and their mothers out together and I thoug...
GRAHAM ALEXANDER This shows that behavior in snakes is more complex than we previously thought.
GRAHAM ALEXANDER 'Hello,' he lied.
DON CARPENTER Hello, freaky peoples!
LEMONY SNICKET I said to him (Alexander) that if I were to put him back in the game and he were to get hurt, I woul...
MIKE HOLMGREN Alexander the Great slept with 'The Iliad' beneath his pillow. During the waning moon, I cradle Home...
ROMAN PAYNE There are two things I remember about (Graham).
BOB WARD Hello Montreal! 'Fuck You' would be a good sign at your highways!
BILLIE ARMSTRONG Hello Montreal! 'Fuck You' would be a good sign at your highways!
BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG She called it a 'Hello, Dolly' ramp.
BEVERLY SILLS Being the personal protector, blocker for Shaun Alexander and then look what Shaun has done.
MIKE HOLMGREN I like to think I am the best there is at what I do, and so I have conquered the world like Alexande...
ALEX SPANOS [The boots Nancy Sinatra wore] to walk all over you ... Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your na...
LOU REED And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, you just might find, if you give it time, you will wave...
JOHN MAYER If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it wo...
RICHARD KADREY We took a step in the right direction tonight. What a great way to go into a tough tournament like t...
BRENT HAND It's special to block for Shaun Alexander.
MACK STRONG Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America
JERRY FALWELL In my opinion, at least, the splendid achievements of Alexander are the clearest possible proof that...
ARRIAN [Now Iacocca is teamed with Jason Alexander of] Seinfeld, ... If you can find a better car, buy it.
SNOOP DOGG Hello, sex on legs
TONI ALEO Hello fake Everett children.
MONET POLNY Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going...
ALFRED TENNYSON As a kid I would be put to bed when my parents had guests and because I was such a show-off I would ...
RUPERT EVERETT There were little triangles of coconut custard pie on a graham cracker crust for dessert, the best a...
JOE HILL Nelson does not have the strong persona that Bob Graham had.
DAVID JOHNSON County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the probl...
CALVIN & HOBBES County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the probl...
BILL WATTERSON The beginning of the shows are different. One time we'll say 'Hello, Denver'. Another time we'll say...
LANCE BASS Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields...Watch, now, ho...
MARY OLIVER All gardening is landscape painting,' said Alexander Pope.
REBECCA SOLNIT I said hello to the poodle.
RICK RIORDAN Hello, Capustan. The Bridgeburners have arrived.
STEVEN ERIKSON

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GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
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GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
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GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
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GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
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GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
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GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
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GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
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GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
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GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
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GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
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GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
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GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
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GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
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GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
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GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
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GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN