Whatever you want to do in the industry, do it on the smallest level at first. If you want to be a writer, write a screenplay in your house. If you want to be an actor, put on a one-man show. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, go to an open mic.

I do this thing at every party: I go to a party, I stand around for, like, 45 minutes, and then I turn to my wife and say, 'I think we should go home.' And then we leave, and then I wake up the next morning and say to my wife, 'We don't go out anymore.' It's a great trick.

My first car was a 1999 red Mazda Protege.

You don't want to have to come into work on Monday already apologizing. I try to save my apologies for what I've done later in the week.

You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian.

I'm not a stand-up comedian; I'm not a satirist.