When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.


Erma Bombeck

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ERMA BOMBECK
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
ERMA BOMBECK
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev...
ERMA BOMBECK
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre...
ERMA BOMBECK
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
ERMA BOMBECK
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
ERMA BOMBECK
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
ERMA BOMBECK
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK
When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others
ERMA BOMBECK
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog...
ERMA BOMBECK
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
ERMA BOMBECK
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou...
ERMA BOMBECK
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f...
ERMA BOMBECK
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
ERMA BOMBECK
The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to...
ERMA BOMBECK
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
ERMA BOMBECK
It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
ERMA BOMBECK
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch...
ERMA BOMBECK
I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
ERMA BOMBECK
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if...
ERMA BOMBECK
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t...
ERMA BOMBECK
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...
ERMA BOMBECK
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 dire...
ERMA BOMBECK
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten...
ERMA BOMBECK
Housework can kill you if done right.
ERMA BOMBECK
I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.
ERMA BOMBECK
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato...
ERMA BOMBECK
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
ERMA BOMBECK
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ...
ERMA BOMBECK
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
ERMA BOMBECK
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
ERMA BOMBECK
A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k...
ERMA BOMBECK
A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste
ERMA BOMBECK
Housework can kill you if done right
ERMA BOMBECK
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
ERMA BOMBECK
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Ti...
ERMA BOMBECK
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ...
ERMA BOMBECK
If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
ERMA BOMBECK
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's...
ERMA BOMBECK
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
ERMA BOMBECK
The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth...
ERMA BOMBECK
I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"...
ERMA BOMBECK
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work...
ERMA BOMBECK
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned...
ERMA BOMBECK
At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and start living.
ERMA BOMBECK
There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've...
ERMA BOMBECK
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ...
ERMA BOMBECK
For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
ERMA BOMBECK
Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ...
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
ERMA BOMBECK
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until...
ERMA BOMBECK
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ...
ERMA BOMBECK
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
ERMA BOMBECK
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it...
ERMA BOMBECK
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
ERMA BOMBECK
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
ERMA BOMBECK
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK
Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
ERMA BOMBECK
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all...
ERMA BOMBECK
You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.
ERMA COHEN
Companions were not allowed to lie. I don’t know why. I had tried a few times when I was young to ...
ERMA I TALAMANTE