When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

When I was around 9 years old, I was watching TV one day. I was looking at this commercial, with a kid in the bathtub playing with a rubber ducky or something, and I said, 'Where do those kids come from? How come they get to be on TV? I could do that stuff.'

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.