FastSaying

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.


Steven Alexander Wright

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I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.
DAVID CROSS I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on telev...
DEMETRI MARTIN So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.
MARK TWAIN A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —STEVEN WRIGHT
DARYNDA JONES The first game was interesting. We had a four-run lead and squandered it, but Daly puts up zeros, De...
MIKE TRAPASSO My vocal style I haven't tried to copy from anyone. It just developed until it became the girlish wh...
ROBERT PLANT The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I alwa...
DEMETRI MARTIN I'm planning on doing homework for my next hour, but now hopefully I can use this as an excuse or I ...
BRAD RYAN Turning one hundred was the worst birthday of my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Turning...
ANNIE ELIZABETH DELANY You look in excellent health to me, Potter, so you will excuse me if I don't let you off homework to...
J.K. ROWLING My vocal style I haven't tried to copy from anyone. It just developed until it became the girlis...
ROBERT PLANT The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let any...
RICHARD BACH The way you find an excuse, I want us to find an excuse to win and keep going. It definitely pays of...
SYED ILYAS AHMED That was our worst defensive performance all year. There's no excuse for it. You have to make the pl...
KAREN BAIRD Start copying what you love. Copy copy copy copy. At the end of the copy you will find your self.
AUSTIN KLEON If it is important to you, then you will find a way.
If not you'll find an excuse.
MEIR EZRA When I was in high school I saw Steven Wright, a brilliant one-liner comedian, and I thought: 'T...
MIKE BIRBIGLIA Excuse me for excusing, I have been ignorant. Excuse me for offending, I have been selfish. Excuse m...
EPHDAN Not at all, we have done our homework well.
HARISH THAWANI He's not a grandstander. He has done his homework.
JOHN GANNON I am not the German Tony Blair. Nor am I the German Bill Clinton. I am Gerhard Schroeder, chancellor...
GERHARD SCHROEDER Many factors have conspired to make this cholera outbreak one of the worst ever seen in Angola. But ...
RICHARD VEERMAN Look out your window, and what do you see? Le Corbusier, not Wright.
WALTER ISAACSON I had not seen it for a long time and was suddenly embarrassed to find that I was laughing more than...
JOHN CLEESE In closing, let me just thank God, on the floor of the House, for not turning away from us even thou...
ZACH WAMP It's okay not to care what anyone thinks of you but that's not a reason or an excuse to lose all res...
POATE J MATAIRAVULA The worst of my actions or conditions seem not so ugly unto me as I find it both ugly and base not t...
MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE I'm not sure anyone knows what they're looking for until they find it.
KIERA CASS Try to seek for the success, never find an excuse for the failure !
KAZERONNIE MAK Why should I apologize for being a HACKER? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?
HARSH MOHAN I play the music of Steven
for Steven;
ragged, helpless,
it owns me, enveloping me STASIA WARD KEHOE In America, if you succeed, you don't have to apologize. In Italy, success is envied, and envy i...
LAPO ELKANN I am not the German Tony Blair. Nor am I the German Bill Clinton. I am Gerhard Schroeder, chancellor...
GERHARD SCHRODER Be sure not to discuss your hero's state of mind. Make it clear from his actions."

ANTON CHEKHOV The worst thing a kid can say about homework is that it is too hard. The worst thing a kid can say a...
HENRY JENKINS I had to create an equivalent for what I felt about what I was looking at - not copy it.
GEORGIA O'KEEFFE The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I ...
JULES RENARD Still, pain hurts. And most of us find it difficult, to say the least, to find gratitude in our hear...
OSCAR AULIQ-ICE You should never hate anyone, even your worst enemies. Everyone has something good about them. You h...
JEANNETTE WALLS I have seen an overall attitude change in all of them. Some of them have gone from being really nega...
AMY MCFARLAND Essien was man marking Steven Gerrard and didn't allow anyone to pass to him. He can be a good role ...
UZAIR SHAFIQUE Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
J. P. DONLEAVY Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
J P DONLEAVY There is no excuse for anyone to write fiction for public consumption unless he has been called to d...
FLANNERY O'CONNOR I was very scared for the future of my son, Alexander. I wanted to be free, and, more importantly, I...
ARNOLD IRCHAI I want any excuse to come home. My dad is not a spring chicken any more. If anyone says, 'Go buy...
EMILY MORTIMER Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
WILSON MIZNER Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
JOHN MILTON Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
UNKNOWN Copy from one its plagiarism. Copy from two its research.
UNKNOWN I don't need arms, and neither does anyone else, ... At the very least, a ban would prevent fights f...
LUIZ INACIO LULA DA SILVA I find it's really hard for anybody to meet anyone. I'm not big on dates anyways. I still ha...
NAYA RIVERA I find it particularly distasteful that Bristol is illegally profiting from a drug which only exists...
JENNIFER GRANHOLM We weren't turning anyone away.
DAVE MARTINEZ I have to say, I find it breathtaking that anyone could suggest options for transit use in Montgomer...
NANCY FLOREEN I liked the good old days where there was just homework; now it's homework, homework, homework, home...
XANDERL More and more, I find myself turning away from everything relating to contemporary society. I don...
PATRICK DEWITT From a legal perspective, ... the copy was not on file with the auditor for 10 days.
SCOTT PHILLIPS Here, homework is not a punishment. They really like coming to homework club. We want it to feel lik...
AMY CAMPBELL You've got to do your homework. I have not seen that,
ROBERT PHILLIPS I guess that the homework has not been done very well.
VAN NIEUWENHUIZEN You will find a way to live without me. You will find a way to live for both of us,' Alexander said ...
PAULLINA SIMONS I did not provide him with a copy. No ... I believe I showed him a copy, ... I think he may have sai...
MONICA LEWINSKY If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.
PLUTARCH If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT I can't wait to meet Steven Spielberg or Al Pacino again so I can say, 'I have to tell you h...
JIM RASH Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
J. P. DONLEAVY If I were not Alexander, then should wish to be Diogenes.
ALEXANDER, THE GREAT Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone else expects of you. Never excuse yourse...
HENRY WARD BEECHER I'm sick at myself for not winning more. But I am always trying to find ways to make myself a be...
LUKE DONALD [Now Iacocca is teamed with Jason Alexander of] Seinfeld, ... If you can find a better car, buy it.
SNOOP DOGG I have homework. This is why I hate fifth grade. They give us homework and homework and homework.
MARK TATTERSALL It is not a death sentence. The fatalistic view we often find is so wrong. If you don't have funds t...
ELMERIA TEFFETELLER If you are committed you will find solution of any problem,if not committed, you will find an excuse...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA I do not think it possible for anyone to get by in life without prejudice. However, the attempt to d...
THEODORE DALRYMPLE There's no excuse for not taking care of it.
HAROLD GARDNER I'm not an Emontional, but how???
I live with the thought that "Nothing can be returned, it has...
DEYTH BANGER Even if the answer to FOP is only for FOP, it wouldn't in any way dissuade me from working on it, .....
FRED KAPLAN There is but one Church in which men find salvation, just as outside the ark of Noah it was not poss...
THOMAS AQUINAS It was such a turning point to find that I had a talent and I had something to contribute, somewhere...
GWEN STEFANI Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse.
SOURCE UNKNOWN Anyone can be heroic from time to time, but a gentleman is something you have to be all the time.
LUIGI PIRANDELLO He was the worst farmer of anyone I ever knew.
BURR UDALL I find it quite funny—no, hilarious—that despite my deep hatred for myself, if ever given the ch...
J. "CYLO" G. It's not very often you get to beat Wright in a race like that.
GARY WRIGHT I do not see how a people that can find in its conscience any excuse whatever for slowly burning to ...
JAMES WELDON JOHNSON There are days where I've lost weight and I feel bigger or fatter or uglier and I want to just h...
CARNIE WILSON I used to read comics as a kid, and now I'm reading them for research. It's great fun. It...
DAVID HAREWOOD Once you get an offer from Steven Soderbergh, you just do anything you can to make it fit.
CATE BLANCHETT It's rumored that doing well in real estate is to be able to close a deal. I did not find that t...
BARBARA CORCORAN I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to fi...
J.R.R. TOLKIEN If you kill Trailblazer, you might as well kill NSA. Gen. Alexander has no choice but to find a way ...
JAMES BAMFORD Soccer couldnt afford training camps or anything like that.
BRUCE MORROW If you have an issue, get a tissue.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock ma...
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT To a dog, a fire hydrant under maintenance is like a bathroom that's out of service.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT

More Steven Alexander Wright

If you have an issue, get a tissue.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock ma...
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT To a dog, a fire hydrant under maintenance is like a bathroom that's out of service.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
STEVEN ALEXANDER WRIGHT When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you str...
STEVEN WRIGHT A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space...
STEVEN WRIGHT I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Black holes are where God divided by zero.
STEVEN WRIGHT Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
STEVEN WRIGHT I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
STEVEN WRIGHT My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
STEVEN WRIGHT Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this b...
STEVEN WRIGHT George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
STEVEN WRIGHT The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
STEVEN WRIGHT If God dropped acid, would he see people?
STEVEN WRIGHT I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop,...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of t...
STEVEN WRIGHT I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
STEVEN WRIGHT I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an...
STEVEN WRIGHT I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
STEVEN WRIGHT I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
STEVEN WRIGHT Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
STEVEN WRIGHT At one point he decided enough was enough.
STEVEN WRIGHT I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
STEVEN WRIGHT I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that w...
STEVEN WRIGHT Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
STEVEN WRIGHT It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because th...
STEVEN WRIGHT I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-...
STEVEN WRIGHT I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
STEVEN WRIGHT So, do you live around here often?
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way thro...
STEVEN WRIGHT Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it beca...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing film...
STEVEN WRIGHT I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
STEVEN WRIGHT I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for thre...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
STEVEN WRIGHT Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really ex...
STEVEN WRIGHT It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
STEVEN WRIGHT I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I t...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The...
STEVEN WRIGHT I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalato...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy ...
STEVEN WRIGHT OK, so what's the speed of dark?
STEVEN WRIGHT Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in Ja...
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
STEVEN WRIGHT Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere i...
STEVEN WRIGHT I invented the cordless extension cord.
STEVEN WRIGHT I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
STEVEN WRIGHT For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them f...
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that d...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during...
STEVEN WRIGHT If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
STEVEN WRIGHT My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be assoc...
STEVEN WRIGHT Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-g...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really inte...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not tryi...
STEVEN WRIGHT I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I...
STEVEN WRIGHT I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and force...
STEVEN WRIGHT How young can you die of old age?
STEVEN WRIGHT I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
STEVEN WRIGHT I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
STEVEN WRIGHT Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistical...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I&#...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black...
STEVEN WRIGHT I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
STEVEN WRIGHT If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually...
STEVEN WRIGHT I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
STEVEN WRIGHT On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the othe...
STEVEN WRIGHT They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
STEVEN WRIGHT All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
STEVEN WRIGHT What a nice night for an evening.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
STEVEN WRIGHT If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
STEVEN WRIGHT Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
STEVEN WRIGHT If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
STEVEN WRIGHT You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
STEVEN WRIGHT Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
STEVEN WRIGHT My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant...
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right...
STEVEN WRIGHT I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
STEVEN WRIGHT If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You...
STEVEN WRIGHT I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she t...
STEVEN WRIGHT My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
STEVEN WRIGHT What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
STEVEN WRIGHT Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build...
STEVEN WRIGHT I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
STEVEN WRIGHT My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
STEVEN WRIGHT I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
STEVEN WRIGHT I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world......
STEVEN WRIGHT If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It'...
STEVEN WRIGHT I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll c...
STEVEN WRIGHT My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she lov...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'W...
STEVEN WRIGHT Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap...
STEVEN WRIGHT You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows u...
STEVEN WRIGHT Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
STEVEN WRIGHT When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few m...
STEVEN WRIGHT What's another word for Thesaurus?
STEVEN WRIGHT There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I ...
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT