Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.


Jon Stewart

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I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES
The environment changed with Martha Stewart and Enron,
STEVE MARTIN
You'll have window dressing to the max with respect to stocks like Global crossing, Enron, Tyco and ...
MERCER BULLARD
Martha Stewart on Steroids.
MARCIA CROSS
I've always been fascinated by Martha Stewart,
MARK BURNETT
You might want to read the old clippings about Martha Stewart ,
JAN BARAN
We are looking into whether Martha Stewart violated the conditions of her release,
CHRIS STANTON
You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit ...
JEN LANCASTER
Now we can get away from the event-driven stock and the trials and tribulations of Martha Stewart, a...
SCOTT ROTHBORT
Martha Stewart was the one who really did show everybody that you can do everything.
TRISHA YEARWOOD
I always thought Jon Stewart was an extremely good surgeon with his scalpel. He would have Republica...
GREG GUTFELD
This is the beginning of the end for this conspiracy of lies and deception that has been perpetrated...
GRANT WOODS
Where is Martha Stewart going to go?
TAI PARK
Starr Smith has finally directed a literary light on the personal history of Jimmy Stewart. ... It's...
JIMMY STEWART
I love entertaining and doing Martha Stewart stuff.
LAURA PREPON
Martha Stewart's my idol.
BLAKE LIVELY
People are treating the Stewart case as seriously as Enron when it's really over trivia.
ALLAN SLOAN
Martha Stewart contributes more to our civility than the Baptist church.
DAVE HICKEY
I have not heard a Martha Stewart album yet. But, you know, it could happen.
TRISHA YEARWOOD
The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jo...
STEPHEN COLBERT
Martha Stewart Living. The momentum is continuing to build and clearly there's great demand.
ELIZABETH ESTROFF
I believe this is the beginning of the end for the conspiracy of lies and deceptions perpetrated aga...
GRANT WOODS
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction...
JON STEWART
If we all look at life we think how nice, then we look at death and everybody goes oh you can say th...
GARY F EVANS...
If you love someone you must set them free like the wind and give them the respect they deserve.If y...
GARY F EVANS...
Our D.V.R.s make up the schedule of the shows that we're passionate about. You want Jon Stewart?...
WARREN LITTLEFIELD
We e-mailed her (Martha Stewart) and told her she had changed women's lives with entertaining and we...
HELEN DEFRANCE
People are treating the Stewart case as seriously as Enron when it's really over trivia.
ALLAN SLOAN
My mother could do absolutely anything. She was like Martha Stewart before such a thing existed.
CHERYL LADD
Who doesn't want to be Martha Stewart?
BLAKE LIVELY
Our end goal -- I'll stop the show and die a happy man -- is if we could get Larry J. Sabato and Jon...
JOSH CINCINNATI
The audience was not the issue, ... because they did not want to be associated with (Martha Stewart,...
MARTIN WALKER
Finally, we got it going. The girls looked great. That's what we've been working on all season. We f...
DAVID BLY
The previous generation, such as Alec Stewart and Nasser Hussain, lost to Australia on many occasion...
ANDREW STRAUSS
I think the industry finally gets it. They've lost the connection with the American public, and ...
BILLY TAUZIN
We're talking to Jon Stewart, who was just lecturing us on our moral inferiority. Jon, you're bummin...
TUCKER CARLSON
My mom, the fabulous Bertie Kinsey, is an amazing seamstress. She quilts and sews and is so crafty. ...
ANGELA KINSEY
Martha Stewart stuffed and roasted canaries and found they could no longer sing.
JAY LENO
I want to be the Martha Stewart of the health-food industry — without the jail.
BOBBY FRANKEL
Corporate America was hurling offers at her. Thinking even bigger, wanting even more, she had dreams...
JERRY OPPENHEIMER
The poor ratings on the TV show equated in my mind to the fact that management of Martha Stewart Liv...
SCOTT ROTHBORT
Jon Stewart and George Clooney made a skit in my bed and my bedroom ... (that) will be on the Academ...
DORIS PINTER
I'm proud to be Martha Stewart's daughter.
ALEXIS STEWART
I don't think there's any company that has the same tools as Martha Stewart Living does, and...
MARTHA STEWART
I am not quite Martha Stewart, but I do like cooking and gardening.
DENNIS BASSO
I am thrilled to have been chosen by Martha Stewart as her apprentice and to work with the team at B...
DAWNA STONE
BoomTown has long been a big fan of Martha Stewart.
KARA SWISHER
With Martha Stewart, the power of the brand, the power of television, taught me that if you can marr...
CHARLES KOPPELMAN
During the course of my career, I've been shoulder to shoulder with some impressive, powerful people...
CHARLES KOPPELMAN
I never thought I'd get a chance to play Martha Stewart again,
CYBILL SHEPHERD
We got Martha Stewart legitimizing homemaking for her generation, and then there's this return t...
NADIA GIOSIA
We have tears in our eyes
As we wave our goodbyes,
We so loved being with you, we three. ROALD DAHL
I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.
RIP TAYLOR
I guess you could say I want to become like Martha Stewart - just a sexier version!
JULIA RESTOIN ROITFELD
If I have to be compared to somebody, it is to Martha Stewart.
CRISTINA SARALEGUI
The Queen of Crafts herself, Martha Stewart, and I have the same birthday. I prefer to think it'...
SLOANE CROSLEY
If we're honest with ourselves, most of us know the one thing we lack.
CRAIG GROESCHEL
I work in the most non-Communist job. I work for 'Martha Stewart Living.'
SAID SAYRAFIEZADEH
During the course of my career, I have been
shoulder to shoulder with some impressive, powerfu...
CHARLES KOPPELMAN
The Martha Stewart trial makes clear how far women have risen in the business world. America can be ...
ROSABETH MOSS KANTER
We practiced hard all week. We finally got it together. We finally came together as a unit today. We...
ANTOINE BLUNT
I admire Martha Stewart a lot for the way she has branded herself ... in many different media,
ALIZA SHERMAN
The more we give, the more we reap the benefits of feeling good in helping others. We are all capabl...
ANGIE KARAN
Finally I almost dropped gymnastics because I couldn't live without create, and you know, and th...
OLGA KORBUT
The only thing Martha and I have in common is that we both used to model. Martha Stewart is extremel...
KATHY IRELAND
Martha Stewart is being prosecuted not for who she is but what she did.
JAMES COMEY
A couple of customers interrupted [...] who wanted to know if we had some YA book about ants and ali...
SHAUN DAVID HUTCHINSON
We are concerned at the fate of an unknown number of people captured as part of the so-called global...
ANTONELLA NOTARI
Orion is above the horizon now, and near it Jupiter, brighter than it will ever be ... But i expect ...
THOMAS HARRIS
The last thing you needed was a Martha Stewart problem. He doesn't even have a good clothing line or...
MARSHALL WITTMAN
Being the family's literate one, my wife doesn't watch television much, preferring third-wor...
STEVE ERICKSON
Certainly our door is open and we would like to meet with Ms. Stewart as soon as possible.
KEN JOHNSON
Martha Stewart is extremely talented. Her designs are picture perfect. Our philosophy is life is mes...
KATHY IRELAND
We know Baca and Stewart are going to playing well, but how well the team does depends on how well t...
RICH CATHCART
Finally we got one. Finally we got a ranked team...we wanted somebody big, and it was even bigger th...
JAMELLE CORNLEY
It seems only to be increasing in popularity, and the major reason is time. The rise and reign of Ma...
CONSTANCE WHITE
NBC has to be a bit disappointed with numbers for Martha Stewart. They probably hoped it would do a ...
BILL CARROLL
Whether it is the Enron, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, or now the Halliburton and Harken scandal...
LARRY KLAYMAN
We should not blame people by the mistakes of others.
DANIEL MELGAçO
Just shut up and start sucking each other's faces already," Vida grumbled, leaning awkwardly against...
ALEXANDRA BRACKEN
Martha Stewart has been doing this for a long time. I don't think it's a fad.
COREY OSTMAN
It's really going to be total Martha Stewart saturation come this fall, ... It would very likely be ...
ED MARTIN
NBC is working on filling holes instead of making a schedule that can maintain itself over the years...
SARARUTH DELICE
We've now entered the homestretch and can finally agree to cooperate in such a way as to ensure prod...
ALEXEI GORDEYEV
You know we'd been pressing the whole game and we hadn't gotten that many turnovers. They'd been bre...
JUSTIN RIDENOUR
I think we're on the right track. We can now finally have classrooms at the schools, where we can co...
CAROL HUFFMAN
I think we're on the right track. We can now finally have classrooms at the schools, where we can co...
CAROL LEE HUFFMAN
It was because they were two parts of a whole. He did not belong to her. And she did not belong to h...
RENEE AHDIEH
Cease with the displays of false modesty. The entire palace knows about it."
A feeling of warmt...
RENEE AHDIEH
Do you know why I adore roses?" Shahrzad untied the knot of his tikka sash with deliberate slowness....
RENEE AHDIEH
Where were you?" Shahrzad tried to control the tremor in her voice.
"Not where I should have b...
RENEE AHDIEH
As always. As ever. As a rose to the sun.
RENEE AHDIEH
I remember meeting the likes of Johnny Carson and Jimmy Stewart for the first time and being complet...
KEVIN SPACEY
Millennials give comics the kind of adulation past generations reserved for musicians. We respect La...
ALEXANDRA PETRI
Lambhood and tigerishness may be found in either gender, and in the same individual at different tim...
MARGARET ATWOOD
Jon Stewart says that he was a little kid with a big head. He had very little athletic ability. He w...
BRIAN KILMEADE
Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON
Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON
We did hear Martha Stewart bought several pounds [of butter] when she was in Aroostook County. She w...
ALICE LINCOLN
We are ecstatic. We are finally getting a little bit of peace, but we'll never be completely happy u...
CARMEN PROVIANO

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Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
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We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
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I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
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You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to lo...
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If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they...
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It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what...
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Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and...
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Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.'
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Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand g...
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We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the b...
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For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't… you know, it's inter...
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But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-b...
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GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of th...
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You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were sw...
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Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana...
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I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, th...
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Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if...
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house...
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We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings d...
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I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doe...
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Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
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As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars...
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that la...
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I always knew I shouldn't have said that.
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Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fat...
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I can't emphasize this enough.
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If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.
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When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your ...
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We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been loo...
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No. I'm not going to be your monkey.
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Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the Internationa...
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"Shnicks," we call it shnicks -- shnicks and giggles.
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Wow. I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages.
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If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
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Too Late
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Getting between him and his fans -- I don?t think it?s the P. I think it?s the bodyguards,
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[IN THE SIX-AND-A-HALF YEARS since he took over] The Daily Show, ... The Late Late Show.
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How come they're the most excited people here tonight?
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How come they are the most excited people here? That's how you pick up an Oscar.
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That's how you accept an Oscar.
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And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat ...
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Tremendous film. The acting. The cinematography.
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but - and I don't want to be crass here - isn't a hurricane an act of God? Shouldn't we have a day o...
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I don't know that much about women,
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If I had to go out there and surf, that would be a problem. But you know, it's just comedy.
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You're killing me here. Are you freaking out on us? Are you going into crazy-base world?
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Hollander said. ''He suggested maybe making four or five alternatives.
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You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.
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The top story, as always, is America remaining obsessed, fascinated -- appalled -- by what is now be...
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Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
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Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not...
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Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and...
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And George Bush hates black --
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I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
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Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
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I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
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Don't cross Lorenzo Lamas. Ever.
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I feel your scorn and I accept it.
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As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.
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A lot of people, including business leaders, think the future belongs to China. Globalization is not...
JON MEACHAM
People selling content internationally need to be highly focused on selling the right product to the...
JON FELTHEIMER
As a member of Congress, and a parent, I understand the importance of ensuring that families are abl...
JON PORTER
Owners who buy aggressive dogs for security may be kidding themselves: The chances that the victim o...
JON KATZ
When the Beatles wrote 'Paperback Writer,' it couldn't have been the same old thing. You...
JON BATISTE
I think that generally music should be a positive thing, I like Bob Marley's attitude: he said t...
JON FISHMAN
I was born in March 1949, a post war baby boomer.
JON ENGLISH
'Just looking at pictures' used to be considered cheating. No longer. The graphic novel is b...
JON SCIESZKA
'The Royals' has emerged as a breakout series that has become one of E Network's highest...
JON FELTHEIMER
A tiny little baby!' says Tam. 'People look at me like I'm an animal. People who don't know me judge...
JON RONSON
I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radic...
JON KRAKAUER
Happiness [is] only real when shared
JON KRAKAUER
It's not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.
JON KRAKAUER
You can lay down and die, or you can get up and fight, but that's it -- there's no turning back.
JON ENGLISH
Yeah, that's the ticket.
JON LOVITZ
I can't read lips unless they're touching mine.
JON TROAST
James Taylor may be an all-American boy but he isn't Horatio Alger, and the lionizing of many ro...
JON LANDAU
Words without deeds is an affront to the principle that guides our Nation and makes a mockery of the...
JON CORZINE
Some people think we're adrift without any guidelines. I don't. I think we've had instru...
JON VOIGHT
I would still rather be in Silicon Alley. I like the West Coast also, but it's sort of fragmente...
JON ORINGER
I am a huge admirer of Franklin Roosevelt's, and I believe social security has done untold good ...
JON MEACHAM
Among the many problems with taking the Bible literally is it reduces the most mysterious and comple...
JON MEACHAM
Goats are the cable talk show panelists of the animal world, ready at a moment's notice to inter...
JON KATZ
One wonders whether the Obama re-election campaign may be on the right track as it seeks to apply th...
JON MEACHAM
'Sing It Again Rod' touches all the solo bases since Stewart's departure from the Jeff B...
JON LANDAU
I like hearing fiddles, steel guitar, acoustics up loud - really rock & roll stuff but with a co...
JON PARDI
If a person is homosexual by nature - that is, if one's sexuality is as intrinsic a part of one&...
JON MEACHAM
If I were in a situation where I had to meet a pack of wolves and my family is with me, I'm goin...
JON SEDA
I like San Francisco, but I don't think I'd want to work in Palo Alto. It seems like a prett...
JON ORINGER
When I went to Everest, I underestimated things. I just didn't know what altitude could do. Or t...
JON KRAKAUER
With tens of thousands of patients dying every year from preventable medical errors, it is imperativ...
JON PORTER
Some people say that their pets will tell them when it's time to go. I don't believe that. N...
JON KATZ
A border collie named Orson inspired me to buy a 110-acre farm with four barns and a sheep. That led...
JON KATZ
If you're going to love animals and have a life with them, the odds are you're going to lose...
JON KATZ
Some rescue groups are highly organized, experienced, well-funded, nearly professional. Others are s...
JON KATZ
It's easy to see why dog rescue is a mushrooming culture. Turning a troubled person's life a...
JON KATZ
Lifetime dogs intersect with our lives with particular impact; they're dogs we love in especiall...
JON KATZ