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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.


Groucho Marx

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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or ...
GROUCHO MARX Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN Tomorrow is just going to be downright cold with highs only reaching mid-30s. Saturday's going to be...
CRAIG STEWART Tomorrow has not invited you yet, so LIVE for today! Tomorrow is near, yet so far away. Choose this ...
STEPHANIE LAHART The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
NEIL GAIMAN You left yesterday hoping to see tomorrow and you shall surely see today so far us you have life. Mi...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Mind and man what is in today and make today the solid foundation for tomorrow. Focus on what tomorr...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH One more dance along the razor's edge finished. Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but aliv...
ROBERT JORDAN Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive, today.
ROBERT JORDAN Time may be a finely woven thread, yet it holds our yesterday, today and tomorrow together...
SHANE J VAN DER VELDE In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday
JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday
ABRAHAM LINCOLN Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
GROUCHO MARX Funny to think that every day you have ever lived is a yesterday, and you will never live one single...
MIK EVERETT Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.
MOTHER TERESA Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.
MOTHER THERESA The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX There is no yesterday or tomorrow and yet we believe that there is.
ANIL GUPTA When I am dead and buried, on my tombstone I would like to have it written, "I have arrived." Becaus...
YUL BRYNNER When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
LINDA KAGE When I am dead and buried, on my tombstone I would like to have it written, 'I have arrived.'...
YUL BRYNNER Yesterday's just a memory, tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be.
BOB DYLAN I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are th...
AUDREY HEPBURN Today is the tomorrow of yesterday and will be the yesterday of tomorrow, therefore do good things s...
SANDEEP PRADHAN Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it... Yet.
L.M. MONTGOMERY i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g...
SIMI GREWAL For some, the past is a chain, each day a link, raveling backward to one ringbolt or another, in one...
DEAN KOONTZ Tomorrow was created yesterday.......And by the day before yesterday, too. TO IGNORE HISTORY IS TO I...
JOHN LE CARRé There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called Yesterday and the other ...
DALAI LAMA XIV Do it today! Yesterday is gone and tomorrow it might be forbidden.
VIKRANT PARSAI Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER Im going to be eighty soon, and I guess the one thing that puzzles me most is how quick it got here.
ROY ACUFF Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Loo...
SANSKRIT POEM There hasnt been a slot machine assigned yet. They have the cart before the horse on this,
JOHN CORNISH Yesterday is gone and tomorrow has not yet come; we must live each day as if it were our last so tha...
MOTHER TERESA I think I'm fairly laid-back. I like to have fun and kind of just be happy.
JARED GOFF They told me yesterday that Gagne wouldn't be ready and I would be closing today. If I have to pitch...
DANYS BAEZ I was always saying when I came back if I could play her, and tomorrow, the day has arrived.
MARTINA HINGIS 37. It is better to be single and unhappy than unhappily married.
JAMES C. DOBSON We just have to wait and see tomorrow. We are reasonably happy that we have solved some our issues b...
JENSON BUTTON I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday, I have today and I know Him who holds tomorro...
JAACHYNMA N.E. AGU Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?
L.M. MONTGOMERY Procrastination is the bad habit of putting of until the day after tomorrow what should have been do...
NAPOLEON HILL Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been d...
NAPOLEON HILL Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream...
SANSKRIT PROVERB There are two days in the week on which I never worry; One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.
ROBERT BURDETTE There are two days in the week on which I never worry; One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.
ROBERT BURDETTE There are two days in the week on which I never worry; One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.
ROBERT BURDETTE I'd like to respond to rumors that I died yesterday ... I mean, c'mon, be patient! My day will come ...
NIKKI SIXX I’m so happy when it rains, I could be anywhere and seek shelter it would be odd to stand in norma...
YAMIN RASHEED Thank God I arrived the day before yesterday, the first of the month, at this port of San Diego, tru...
JUNIPERO SERRA Pierre was right when he said that one must believe in the possibility of happiness in order to be h...
LEO TOLSTOY Ebola is not that serious than those machine gun's and missile's fired yesterday, today and those go...
DEVASKI This day was yesterday to-morrow nam'd: To-morrow shall be yesterday proclaimed: To-morrow not...
JOHN OWEN ("BRITISH MARTIAL") Just staying one day ahead of yesterday.
UNKNOWN Living in the moment, yesterday is farther away than it used to be. And, so is tomorrow. They both m...
JAN DENISE There will be today, there will be tomorrow, there will be always, and there was yesterday, and ther...
LEO TOLSTOY A new day is here! yesterday is gone! tomorrow is preparing to come! but why is today here?
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Science fiction is a unique literature. Science fiction is the first literature that says, 'Tomo...
DAVID GERROLD For you see, each day I love you more Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
ROSEMONDE GERARD Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream ...
SANSKRIT PROVERB I live off a motto that says, 'yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery'. I have goals an...
VANILLA ICE I think today is going to be pretty bad. Monday was the first day where it really hit me that this i...
LYNN AUE I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generatio...
JOE ROGAN Tomorrow could be just few steps away - a dream, yesterday the fucking nightmare...
DEYTH BANGER Today was tomorrow and will be yesterday
TAREQ KHALAF Yesterday was the end of your life. Today is the first and last day of the rest your life. Tomorrow ...
LORRIN L. LEE I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come ...
GROUCHO MARX Quiero que [mi hijo] conozca el secreto de la felicidad, algo tan sencillo que da la impresión de q...
JAMES RHODES I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday o...
HARVEY SPENCER LEWIS I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday o...
JAMES JOYCE In my impatience I become convinced that this desire of mine should have been fulfilled yesterday, w...
CRAIG D. LOUNSBROUGH Whatever is a reality today, whatever you touch and believe in and that seems real for you today, is...
LUIGI PIRANDELLO Whatever is a reality today, whatever you touch and believe in and that seems real for you today, i...
LUIGI PIRANDELLO Whatever is a reality today, whatever you touch and believe in and that seems real for you today, is...
LUIGI PIRANDELLO Yesterday is remembered fondly; tomorrow is a dream in the making. So live today to the fullest. The...
MICHAEL DE CHâTILLON Tomorrow will be a business day, and we expect them to be back in service, ... Chill out tomorrow mo...
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG Live each day the fullest you can, not guaranteeing there'll be a tomorrow, not dwelling endlessly ...
JANE SEYMOUR Live each day the fullest you can, not guaranteeing there'll be a tomorrow, not dwelling endlessly...
JANE SEYMOUR Live each day the fullest you can, not guaranteeing there'll be a tomorrow, not dwelling endlessly o...
JANE SEYMOUR Nothing is worth more than this day. You cannot relive yesterday. Tomorrow is still beyond your reac...
JOHANN VON GOETHE We'll be back out there tomorrow, might be a day or two yet,
EDWARD CALLAHAN Kenny rested his hand on my leg, patting it delicately. His thoughts staying just that, thoughts, as...
HOLLY HOOD I might not know who I was yesterday or who I'm going to be tomorrow, but I know who I am right ...
SABRINA CARPENTER I wish to live to be 100 yrs old one day and tomorrow 1
JESSICA PONCE DE LEON My motivation is tomorrow, just one day at a time, right?
RAFAEL NADAL Yesterday is history we write today to repeat it tomorrow.
VIKRANT PARSAI I was lost yesterday, I am found today and I will be forgotten tomorrow.
SANTOSH KALWAR Yesterday I was, tomorrow I will be, but only Here and Now I Am.
HUMAN ANGELS Forget yesterday - it can’t even remember you anymore. Don't worry about tomorrow – you’ve not...
ANE KRSTEVSKA Juzi siyo jana ni muendelezo wa juzi kuitwa jana siyo leo na kesho siyo juzi kumbuka jana.
SIMON MASHALLA There are two days in the year that you cannot do anything: YESTERDAY & TOMORROW: Only TODAY you...
PABLO The real achievement of Woody Allen was that he was making movies that felt very personal, and for a...
NOAH BAUMBACH

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX Did I ever tell you how I shot a wild elephant in my pyjamas? How he got into my pyjamas I'll never ...
GROUCHO MARX