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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.


Erma Bombeck

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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck.
ERMA BOMBECK In the end, I think you really only get as far as you're allowed to get.
GAYLE GARDNER I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES Customers come in and ask me about it, and I look them directly in the eye and tell them it has not ...
PETER KREUZIGER You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me.
J.K. ROWLING You always want to get in a tournament to see where your kids are at. Most of our kids haven?t playe...
LANCE FISHER If you knew there was neglect in that home and you didn't call ACS, you're just as guilty as he [Cal...
ANTHONY RANDOLPH If you think of the ice caps as the fridge of our planet, if your fridge at home died, the food you ...
ORLANDO BLOOM And if you can’t shape your life the way you want, at least try as much as you can not to degrade ...
CONSTANTINOS P. CAVAFIS Even though you complain you're broke, you over indulge in food, cigarettes and alcohol. You say you...
CHERYL RUSHTON In America, you look at food as bad and guilty. In France, we love food and we enjoy food; food is p...
MIREILLE GUILIANO She was intimidating and all I could do was sit back on the couch as she paced back and forth, slowl...
IN THE MAKING I only know about teamwork. I've been around it my entire life and I still work for a team. I look f...
REGGIE JACKSON Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON Even if you are threatened with death, look at your situation right in the eye and praise the Lord
SUNDAY ADELAJA You can't escape the taste of the food you had as a child. In times of stress, what do you dream...
JACQUES PEPIN Father, dear father, come home with me now, The clock in the belfry strikes one; You said you were c...
HENRY CLAY WORK The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look...
LOUIS C.K. The best part about being married is feeling centered. Nothing else matters so much as long as you c...
PATRICK DEMPSEY We can leave a place behind, or we can stay in that place and leave our selfishness (often expressed...
JOHN H. GROBERG In the end it doesn't matter what you do.
HARRISON BIRTWISTLE Success is determined not by whether or not you face obstacles, but by your reaction to them. And if...
BEN CARSON This is too much reality for a Friday.
AS GOOD AS IT GETS To become a villain, you had to have become disillusioned, and in order to become disillusioned you ...
MATTHEW DAVIS When you are filled with inner clutter, the chaos reflects in your personality as obsessiveness, con...
BROOKS PALMER If you happen to live close to the desert border, you can pretty much calculate how long it will be ...
MAGNUS LARSSON Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind. Just say, I’m looking you in the eye
JEFF BENESKI In the end it's about the work, not an award you get for the work.
LINDA FIORENTINO Sometimes, how others look at it must not be how you should see it! Sometimes, how it means to other...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Actresses can get outrageously precious about the way they look. That's not what life's abou...
CATE BLANCHETT Nothing else matters so much as long as you can come home and be with your family.
PATRICK DEMPSEY A BMW can't take you as far as a diploma.
JOYCE MEYER Reach for it. Push yourself as far as you can.
CHRISTA MCAULIFFE Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON The food here is good, and the atmosphere is good. We want to make kids feel at home as well as adul...
JODY VICKERS There are approximately two trillion cells in the human body. You are never alone, there are always ...
DWIGHT W. HAYES I don't regret anything I do, ever, whether articles I've done or things I've said. And ...
EVA LONGORIA Even if you become fluent in a second language, you don't understand it the same as the language you...
RUTH HUBBARD The hardest thing is the idea. Ideas come from somewhere but as far as we know they come from nowher...
IAN HUNTER It's extremely, extremely exciting to finally do something as important as Healthy Kids Day at our t...
CRAIG DRUCKER Act as if! Act as if you're a wealthy man, rich already, and then you'll surely become rich. Act as ...
JORDAN BELFORT If you look at our times, they look about as deep and as fast as last year.
DAVE CLARK And as you come to know Him, you're becoming like Him. The more you are like Him, the more different...
CRAIG GROESCHEL The international market has become incredibly competitive. We look at India as diversifying. You ca...
LOUISE RYAN Once you open your home to nursing, you essentially become the employer of a small staff, even if yo...
CHARISSE MONTGOMERY If you come in for the day, please bring your own food and water and have enough fuel for your vehic...
DICK NUGENT If you are thinking about surrendering a dog to the animal shelter, we ask that you keep it in your ...
LAURA DANIS When we are kids, we imagine that to define ourselves or to find ourselves means charting your own i...
PICO IYER Fitness starts at home. What you eat is what you will look, just as what you sow is what you reap. E...
RAKUL PREET SINGH The way you live in your home and the way you market a house are two different things. You have to t...
BARB SCHWARZ We ask you to supply your two favorite pieces of biometric data — such as your right index finger ...
STEVEN BRILL If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine yo...
WOODROW WILSON Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it quarel...
ANN LANDERS Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it square...
ANN LANDERS To become a better you, keep asking curious questions about yourself. If you lose, ask “why?”; i...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in...
BIBLE You beat your Pate, and fancy Wit will come: Knock as you please, there's no body at home.
ALEXANDER POPE You are the wild
Door to my peace
Because you are an honest sinner
I see you as my pr...
AMIT HOWARD It's stasis that kills you off in the end, not ambition.
BONO I worry about putting food on the table, paying for my kids needs, their college fees in years to co...
SHANE FILAN You ask for the impossible. You ask for the ruddy impossible. So if you love this girl as much as yo...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY I have a big thing with eye contact, because I think as soon as you make eye contact with somebody, ...
MARY LAMBERT Everything is present in the world. However, your ‘emotional state’ does not allow it to come to...
DADA BHAGWAN Come as you are, leave as you please, with Christ in your heart, and God on your sleeve.
MATT ROTERT If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?
NEIL LECKMAN If you play the video game, you become more interested and you want to know more about it. You want ...
JOHN MADDEN Any time you get kids to work as hard as they are and showcase their talent, it's exciting. The kids...
TOM NOLAN If you maintain a healthy diet, or at least are smart about your food choices, you'll still see ...
MISTY MAY-TREANOR Passover takes place in the home rather than the synagogue and centers around an epic meal - the sed...
SIMON SCHAMA And whenever you look at somebody as an enemy,you never look deep,you never look into the eye, you a...
OSHO If you live in the desert, view the sun not as your enemy, but as your friend. If you live in the wi...
MATSHONA DHLIWAYO We domesticated pigs to turn food waste back into food. And yet, in Europe, that practice has become...
TRISTRAM STUART So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.
FRANZ KAFKA When you're in elementary school, you get these amazing assignments, like to come up with your o...
TONY DITERLIZZI Because nothing is as good as you can imagine it. No one is as beautiful as she is in your head. Not...
CHUCK PALAHNIUK If you are a misfit in one place, you will be a great fit in another.
ALAN COHEN Everywhere your eye travels in your home, it should land on something that resonates with you.
NATE BERKUS In the beginning, there was nothing and from nothing came our species then behold the dawn of music....
GARY F EVANS... Long-time viewing of Internet violence tend to change a person's temperament, making the person pron...
YOU QUANXI If positive and healthy materials are absent, negative materials are sure to be dominant in the cybe...
YOU QUANXI In a robust global business environment, our business units operated well in the first quarter. More...
HARRY YOU The Board of Directors and I are pleased to recognize Peter's outstanding contribution to the succes...
HARRY YOU We are pleased to close the books on 2004 following the painstaking review of almost five years of f...
HARRY YOU It's exciting for me to be in a position like that where you can kind of be a part of the game that'...
WILL LEWIS As a teacher this is exciting. The kids are learning new experiences, and it is a carry over. Many o...
ANNE DOBROWSKI You put it in your pocket and you get on the plane as fast as you can and you get home. And that's w...
JIM MORA Your perspective about things; that lies in the eye of the beholder! If you can find the beauty in f...
HEATHER MONTANO If your parent is deployed and you are that young, you spend the whole time wondering where they are...
SUZANNE COLLINS Tell me you hate me. Tell me I wasn't worth it. Look me in the eye and watch my heart break as you w...
KIRPA RAI If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the im...
LEWIS BLACK The only ones who ever come here from your lands are the minstrels, and the lovers, and the mad. And...
NEIL GAIMAN If you notice that anger in your childrens is growing day by day, the simple reason for same is that...
ARVIND MEHTA Where you come from now is much less important than where you're going. More and more of us are ...
PICO IYER Use your heart. Understand. Learn to see things
in the now, not as they were or will be, or as ...
E.J. PATTEN By working closely with these kids it makes you think as a teacher about things you can do to improv...
JENNIFER JACKSON In the end, it's a mental maturity to let your best come out.
LINDSEY VONN Living, just by itself / what a dirge that is! Life is a classroom and Boredom's the usher, there al...
LOUIS FERDINAND CELINE Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, yo...
STEVEN WRIGHT Our pets are the kids who never leave home, and that's absolutely fine by us because these kids don'...
NICK TROUT You can survive and compete again if you can come in as well as third.
DAVE NAGLE

More Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
ERMA BOMBECK I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a s...
ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn'...
ERMA BOMBECK Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
ERMA BOMBECK Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly ad...
ERMA BOMBECK Children make your life important.
ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout...
ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrige...
ERMA BOMBECK In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
ERMA BOMBECK When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth ...
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
ERMA BOMBECK There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
ERMA BOMBECK But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
ERMA BOMBECK When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
ERMA BOMBECK Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
ERMA BOMBECK You already know something you don't even know that you know.
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ERMA BOMBECK God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
ERMA BOMBECK I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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ERMA BOMBECK I finally found a doctor with a lot of patients, and he didn't have any patience to listen to me.
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ERMA BOMBECK Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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ERMA BOMBECK It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECK There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
ERMA BOMBECK Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times...
ERMA BOMBECK What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when...
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time...
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ERMA BOMBECK My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's ha...
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ERMA BOMBECK You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're mergi...
ERMA BOMBECK Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's...
ERMA BOMBECK Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
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ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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ERMA BOMBECK Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill
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ERMA BOMBECK No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their...
ERMA BOMBECK It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffe...
ERMA BOMBECK It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
ERMA BOMBECK By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From televi...
ERMA BOMBECK My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
ERMA BOMBECK I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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ERMA BOMBECK Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dream...
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ERMA BOMBECK The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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ERMA BOMBECK Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gift...
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ERMA BOMBECK Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you...
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ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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ERMA BOMBECK I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a st...
ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
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ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the...
ERMA BOMBECK I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
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ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
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ERMA BOMBECK Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoo...
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ERMA BOMBECK For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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ERMA BOMBECK House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
ERMA BOMBECK If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
ERMA BOMBECK I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got ...
ERMA BOMBECK As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I ...
ERMA BOMBECK In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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ERMA BOMBECK A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
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ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK If I had my life to live over...

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life t...
ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after s...
ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if...
ERMA BOMBECK I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . .
ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
ERMA BOMBECK Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents nev...
ERMA BOMBECK When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECK You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ...
ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
ERMA BOMBECK I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
ERMA BOMBECK I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev...
ERMA BOMBECK The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre...
ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
ERMA BOMBECK Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others
ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog...
ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
ERMA BOMBECK I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou...
ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f...
ERMA BOMBECK Never order food in excess of your body weight.
ERMA BOMBECK The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to...
ERMA BOMBECK No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
ERMA BOMBECK It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ...
ERMA BOMBECK Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch...
ERMA BOMBECK I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
ERMA BOMBECK Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t...
ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...
ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 dire...
ERMA BOMBECK Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten...
ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right.
ERMA BOMBECK I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.
ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato...
ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
ERMA BOMBECK It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ...
ERMA BOMBECK The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
ERMA BOMBECK Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k...
ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste
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ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Ti...
ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ...
ERMA BOMBECK If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's...
ERMA BOMBECK Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
ERMA BOMBECK The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ...
ERMA BOMBECK Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth...
ERMA BOMBECK I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"...
ERMA BOMBECK Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work...
ERMA BOMBECK Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned...
ERMA BOMBECK At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and start living.
ERMA BOMBECK There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've...
ERMA BOMBECK Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ...
ERMA BOMBECK For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ...
ERMA BOMBECK Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
ERMA BOMBECK Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ...
ERMA BOMBECK If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until...
ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ...
ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
ERMA BOMBECK There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it...
ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
ERMA BOMBECK How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all...
ERMA BOMBECK You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.
ERMA COHEN Companions were not allowed to lie. I don’t know why. I had tried a few times when I was young to ...
ERMA I TALAMANTE