You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

I've had all that you could ask for. The fat lady has sung, and there's a standing ovation.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

I have my outlet for my humor through my characters, and I also have the intimacy of rapport with my fans that allows me to explain my philosophy and spirituality.