You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie.

They say a dog is a man´s best friend.
That´s if you´re lucky enough to get one of those "friendly" dogs.

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.'

I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life.

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.