You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

I guess my most prized pop culture possession is a signed first edition of the book 'Fight Club' by Chuck Palahniuk.

To be clear, I'm not opposed to apps; I just want them to be geared to my lifestyle. I don't need a virtual NASCAR racing app, but I'd certainly appreciate one that stopped my husband from plowing into the lawnmower every time he pulls into the garage.