Your pants didn't get smaller, Mommy," I assured her. "Your butt got bigger.

Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.

You did a politics project on a government that got overthrown on the due date? Man, did anybody ever tell you you've got no luck?"
"I suspected it," said Raymond ironically.

For someone who's smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot.

Nellie grinned. "I always wanted to go to Venice. It's supposed to be the romance capital of the world."
"Sweet," put in Dan. "Too bad your date is an Egyptian Mau on a hunger strike."
The au pair sighed. "Better than an eleven-year-old with a big mouth.

The dog always dies. Go to the library and pick out a book with an award sticker and a dog on the cover. Trust me, that dog is going down.