A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized he liked cherries, just.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

He told them he didn't have the $4,000.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.