Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.

I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder.

My daughter told me she wasn't afraid of spider but that she was afraid of my smoking. She said that she was afraid of my dying. So i went downstairs, picked up a pair of pliers and a blowtorch and showed her what real fear was.

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.