People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

My daughter told me she wasn't afraid of spider but that she was afraid of my smoking. She said that she was afraid of my dying. So i went downstairs, picked up a pair of pliers and a blowtorch and showed her what real fear was.

I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.

Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?