All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.