Aw, man, they gave 'em the Oscar on stage. Next they're gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It'll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

A man is only as faithful as his options

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I think I'd be too hard on a boy -- every day, trying to make him a man, getting him ready for white people, ... Girls don't punch each other in the face. Girls are pretty nice to each other, even, like, on a grassroots level.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.