Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Love is my favorite drug; I overdose on it regularly.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.