Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Religion is the single worst, and longest running pandemic infecting humankind, without a cure, and ostensibly in perpetuity.