Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Never have more children than you have car windows.