Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -- you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.