FastSaying

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.


P. J. O'Rourke

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Send personalized custom greeting cards. They can become keepsake gifts for life.
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ANN BROWN It's surprising to me how many of my friends send Christmas cards, or holiday cards, including m...
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS I don't turn to greeting cards for wisdom and advice, but they are a fine reflection of the gene...
SUSAN ORLEAN I love a card. You know, cards? At birthdays? I collect them.
ADELE Being a Jehovah's Witness, I don't celebrate birthdays or holidays. I don't vote.
PRINCE On Christmas Eve, we had 22 funerals. On Christmas Day, there were 19. Everybody I know took down th...
JACK MCREYNOLDS Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive.
BRIAN CLOUGH When you are investing in J. P. Morgan,
BRAD HINTZ I squirrel away sealed greeting cards that people give me so I can open them later when I'm havi...
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BERT LANCE If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, m...
SABRINA CARPENTER I don't like my parents; I never will. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. I haven'...
DAVID SMALL If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them an...
BILL COSBY Most of the time when people work with an artist, they don't give them what they need for the fu...
BENNY BLANCO When the vision is clear, the results will appear. Keep your mindset positive as you work your plan,...
GERMANY KENT Send out a cheerful, positive greeting, and most of the time you will get back a cheerful, positive ...
ZIG ZIGLAR I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction...
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JUAN WILLIAMS I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny ...
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JULIA RESTOIN ROITFELD Sometimes people's spiritual ideas become fixed and they use them against those who don't sh...
PEMA CHODRON Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. 'How are you' is a greeting, not a quest...
ARTHUR GUITERMAN When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been...
KURT VONNEGUT By not sending friends greeting cards, you may be telling them that you don't want them to remember ...
LORRIN L. LEE I was looking for a name with an old English sound, very easy to pronounce in every language and eas...
DIEGO DELLA VALLE A fellow who has a funny bone can learn to hone his skills, but I don't think you can develop a ...
CARL REINER I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's funny - people ask me that, and I don...
MACKENZIE ROSMAN As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're lau...
LARRY THE CABLE GUY Given the choice, children who don't want for anything will not save... We have an obligation as...
BARBARA COLOROSO I don't want to get myself in trouble - and I don't think I'm super important or anythin...
JUSTIN VERNON I send my thoughts afar, and let them paint your Christmas Day at home
EDWARD ROWLAND SILL It is one of my pet hates when I see players who have agents who do everything for them. They don...
GARY NEVILLE When people ask me really stupid questions or get it really wrong, I feel embarrassed for them. I do...
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PATRICK CHAN Overall the capital markets were not strong for the company [J. P. Morgan],
ANDREW COLLINS I stopped going to Kingdom Hall, the church, when I was 11 years old, so I was very young. They don&...
JA RULE I've experienced plenty of times when something I think is funny doesn't do very well. And t...
CARROT TOP Greeting cards reflect the social fabric. And this is an unusual aspect of society.
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BETTY GILPIN I don't really necessarily think I'm a funny guy, but I like the opportunity to take on some...
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT J. P. Morgan. He was kind of a douche.
T. J. MILLER Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the bu...
JEN KIRKMAN What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER I like everybody at 'Criminal Minds.' I would like to guest star, but I don't know if th...
PAGET BREWSTER You don't send people to prison on the basis of what other people imagine, or on the basis of me...
THOMAS SOWELL Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
JAMES LIPTON I'm suprised he doesn't send Christmas cards," Antonio said. "I can see them now. Tasteful, embossed...
KELLEY ARMSTRONG Yeah, like, when I look back on my life, I just remember back what happened in '74, or something...
GREGG ALLMAN Not to speak disparagingly of Justin Bieber or Rihanna, but they're not so hands-on with their i...
LADY STARLIGHT It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get...
NICK JONAS The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There...
STEPHEN COLBERT The wacky thing about those bad guys is that you can't count on them to be obvious. They forget to w...
JIM BUTCHER In the restaurant business, as opposed to the theater, center orchestra is an 8 P. M. reservation. O...
DANNY MEYER I eat everything I want on Christmas day. I really don't watch what I eat. It's not like you...
ADRIANA LIMA You don't save a pitcher for tomorrow. Tomorrow it may rain.
LEO DUROCHER There's a lot of movies that aren't all about Christmas, or where Christmas isn't the fo...
ROBERT OSBORNE We don't need a nation that has national identity cards.
MALCOLM WALLOP I don't like expeditions where it is a total lottery whether you live or die. You have to keep t...
BEAR GRYLLS I don't think Reagan is primarily funny, and I don't think he's primarily marvelous; he&...
EUGENE JARECKI I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the ...
JENNA MCCARTHY Customers are being just as protective with their gift cards as they were with their own money when ...
C. BRITT BEEMER There was virtually no control at the border. They would go back for birthdays, for Christmas, for h...
JEFF FLAKE Our party is - we don't have the problems that the other party has. We're not divided. We do...
DAVID AXELROD Horror films have always been quite operatic for me. I always sort of scratch my head at people'...
BRYAN FULLER I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn'...
RON WHITE Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we do...
RYAN HANSEN Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble.
TAYLOR HAWKINS Pretty people don't keep comedies on the air. Funny people keep comedies on the air.
ALLISON JONES What's funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world,...
MEGHAN MARKLE When you love someone, you don't want them to suffer at all.
CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG I think we've taken the meaning of Christmas out. People don't stop and think about Jesus or...
BILLY GRAHAM They're pushing credit cards. They don't take Visa, but they do take American Express, or th...
BILL JANKLOW There is some humour in 'Family Values.' I don't want everyone to think it's not goi...
WENDY COPE So don't applaud. Just send me the check.
BRODERICK CRAWFORD If you take a bunch of superstars and put them in a room where they don't have their assistants ...
DARYL HALL Don't let them win. Don't let them beat you. Don't let them steal your magic.
BROM Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don'...
HARRY S TRUMAN It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't li...
JULIA ROBERTS You sit at your computer for hours, then slave away at your job that you may or may not like. You do...
KAREN BENDER I don't need no stool and mike stand. I don't need all of that to be funny. I've been fu...
TRACY MORGAN Once your poems are completed, you send them into the world. You don't write for a coterie of ot...
EDWARD HIRSCH Don't rely on men but don't shun them either.
JENNIFER ANISTON Typically in science, individual scientists make up their minds about scientific fact or theory one ...
ALAN STERN Men don't deceive their wives unless they love them. When they love them most, they deceive them...
JEAN GIRAUDOUX It's sort of a feeling of power onstage. It's really the ability to make people smile, or ju...
ROBERT PLANT It's my job to make sure that the people I'm gonna team up with for my music see everything ...
CAM I don't just try to be funny.
BIL KEANE Something I like to do a lot is just sit by water when there's a current and just stare into the...
IGGY POP I don't take on a fight just for a fight. I don't tilt at windmills.
CARLY FIORINA I don't spend much time on Twitter. I joined because I found it funny.
TAHAR RAHIM When we look at how consumers are using their cards, it's primarily for convenience.
BARBARA COLEMAN

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P. J. O'ROURKE The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The ...
P. J. O'ROURKE A Kindle returns us to the inconvenience of the scroll, except with batteries and electronic glitche...
P. J. O'ROURKE Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled...
P. J. O'ROURKE If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, Wo...
P. J. O'ROURKE You can learn all about the human condition from covering the crime beat in a big city - you don'...
P. J. O'ROURKE The perpetuation of slavery, the exile and extermination of American Indians, and the passage of Jim...
P. J. O'ROURKE Northwest Ohio is flat. There isn't much up. The land is so flat that a child from Toledo is und...
P. J. O'ROURKE The 20th century was a test bed for big ideas - fascism, communism, the atomic bomb.
P. J. O'ROURKE A fundamental American question is, 'What's the big idea?'
P. J. O'ROURKE Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the sche...
P. J. O'ROURKE Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum.
P. J. O'ROURKE If I were a congressman who had voted for the American Jobs Creation Act of 2004, I'd claim it w...
P. J. O'ROURKE The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them...
P. J. O'ROURKE Detroit's industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching.
P. J. O'ROURKE I like fiction and the kind of history that gives the grace and flavor of fiction to the past. No bl...
P. J. O'ROURKE Daniel Patrick Moynihan is the archetypal extremely smart person who went into politics anyway inste...
P. J. O'ROURKE Kids are disorganized.
P. J. O'ROURKE People say free trade causes dislocation. In actual fact, it's the lowering of trade barriers th...
P. J. O'ROURKE Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.
P. J. O'ROURKE Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
J P DONLEAVY Inside every Sancho Panza there's a Don Quixote struggling to get out.
P. J. O'ROURKE Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box.
P. J. O'ROURKE In Hong Kong there is agglomeration beyond my fondest imaginings. The Kowloon district claims a popu...
P. J. O'ROURKE There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently ...
P. J. O'ROURKE Kuwait City is not gorgeous, actually, but it's got a kind of Epcot Center thing going for it. I...
P. J. O'ROURKE The importance of local governance may not be obvious to an America accustomed to treating city and ...
P. J. O'ROURKE Political discourse has become so rotten that it's no longer possible to tell the stench of one ...
P. J. O'ROURKE Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the Dist...
P. J. O'ROURKE It could be that all awful dictators are frustrated artists - Mao with his poetry and Mussolini with...
P. J. O'ROURKE I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in h...
P. J. O'ROURKE Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
P. J. O'ROURKE Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefull...
P. J. O'ROURKE I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a learning experience. Then again, I like to think ...
P. J. O'ROURKE The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display e...
P. J. O'ROURKE There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-...
P. J. O'ROURKE With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today...
P. J. O'ROURKE When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are le...
P. J. O'ROURKE Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and ...
P. J. O'ROURKE