Chelsea Handler quote: "Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person."

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
CHELSEA HANDLER

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it'...
CHELSEA HANDLER

You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big b...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
CHELSEA HANDLER

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do t...
CHELSEA HANDLER

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd l...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly...
CHELSEA HANDLER

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'Th...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and cha...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denia...
CHELSEA HANDLER

It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven ve...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else'...
CHELSEA HANDLER

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of h...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll ha...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking abo...
CHELSEA HANDLER

As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always t...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
CHELSEA HANDLER

If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk abou...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from t...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be...
CHELSEA HANDLER

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe ca...
CHELSEA HANDLER

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized
biography of M.C. Hammer, and ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose....
CHELSEA HANDLER

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jump...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the firs...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
CHELSEA HANDLER

It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times....
CHELSEA HANDLER

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush sp...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around b...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
CHELSEA HANDLER

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends lik...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his...
CHELSEA HANDLER

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and cal...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? I...
CHELSEA HANDLER

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbli...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hostin...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looki...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she'...
CHELSEA HANDLER

When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink ag...
CHELSEA HANDLER

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not inter...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Fo...
CHELSEA HANDLER

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definit...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magaz...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian...
CHELSEA HANDLER

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm w...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I’m a murderer, Ted! I’m a murderer. A dog murderer! I’m just like Phil Spector minus the musi...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn’t make any se...
CHELSEA HANDLER

In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole o...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even wo...
CHELSEA HANDLER

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’...
CHELSEA HANDLER

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choos...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidenc...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
CHELSEA HANDLER

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single do...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of a...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?&...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I w...
CHELSEA HANDLER

People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
CHELSEA HANDLER

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That...
CHELSEA HANDLER

We women have to stick together.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true raci...
CHELSEA HANDLER

There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
CHELSEA HANDLER

I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when ...
CHELSEA HANDLER

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous...
CHELSEA HANDLER

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defendin...
CHELSEA HANDLER

I didn't like books where people played on a sports team and won a bunch of games, or went to su...
DANIEL HANDLER

I like to give people novels I think they would like, on no particular occasion - just when we'r...
DANIEL HANDLER

Blank paper has always inspired me.
DANIEL HANDLER

I'm dumping the whole box back into your life Ed, every item of you and me. I'm dumping this box on ...
DANIEL HANDLER

I thought the Barbie doll would always be successful.
RUTH HANDLER

Through their play Barbara imagined their lives as adults. They used the dolls to reflect the adult ...
RUTH HANDLER

They were using the dolls to project their dreams of their own futures as adult women.
RUTH HANDLER

When you start writing a picture book, you have to write a manuscript that has enough language to pr...
DANIEL HANDLER

It's full of depressing details about the children's lives, ... and, I'm sorry to say, it's the long...
DANIEL HANDLER

My first novel took almost six years to sell and was rejected 37 times in the interim, and then fina...
DANIEL HANDLER

Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies
DANIEL HANDLER

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it tur...
DANIEL HANDLER

Everything else has vanished, so you take them now. Maybe if you're the one keeping them, I'll be th...
DANIEL HANDLER

For most people, the two primary relationships they have are with their families or romantic ones. A...
DANIEL HANDLER

I can't think of a story that doesn't have something terrible in it. Otherwise, it's dul...
DANIEL HANDLER

I don't know whether it's digital effects or if they trained a baby to bite through steel. I'm not s...
DANIEL HANDLER

There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen but the direc...
DANIEL HANDLER

They really like going to buy fresh roast coffee at cheap prices.
DAN HANDLER

I'm not a believer in predetermined fates, being rewarded for one's efforts. I'm not a believer in k...
DANIEL HANDLER

Different beans have different characteristics. Each has their own character and you blend them to g...
DAN HANDLER

Book thirteen marks the return of a reptile previously gone missing.
DANIEL HANDLER

I was interested in finding ways to do dark comedy that were actually dark and comic.
DANIEL HANDLER

People can expect poisonous mushrooms, ... And then only if they open the book.
DANIEL HANDLER

The way Sunny speaks in the books seems a perfect fit for the cause in question. She often uses word...
DANIEL HANDLER

A nice thing about children's books, though I'm probably alone in this opinion among people who writ...
DANIEL HANDLER

And she has a fairly consistent political agenda. She's a baby, so individual liberty is a developin...
DANIEL HANDLER

Watch Your Mouth.
DANIEL HANDLER

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is...
DANIEL HANDLER

For every girl I thought I was uncomplicated sex, it wasn't. Put it this way: if you can't see the c...
DANIEL HANDLER

Fred Weinberger lent Mark the money directly and not to his company.
ROBERT HANDLER

Love was in the air, so both of us walked through love on our way to the corner.
DANIEL HANDLER

They say love's like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this...
DANIEL HANDLER

I think books that are meant to be read in the nighttime ought to confront the very fears that we...
DANIEL HANDLER

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
DANIEL HANDLER

Kristen is looking at me like I'm a plume of smoke in the kitchen, right before you yell fire!
DANIEL HANDLER

The idea was women on boats. Lifeline Cruises pitched itself to women seeking adventure, whether a d...
DANIEL HANDLER

I was looking for something more personal and more stable and more fun.
DAN HANDLER

And then like a song we'd forgotten was even on the mix, you stepped into the house and my whole lif...
DANIEL HANDLER

And then the third night was after we broke up, which was worth a million matches but instead just t...
DANIEL HANDLER

...there's not enough ink and paper to say all I wanted.
DANIEL HANDLER

who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn’t know how things played out.
DANIEL HANDLER

Twenty-six,” you said. “One for each day we’ve been together, Min.”Somebody oohed. Somebody ...
DANIEL HANDLER

Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, an...
DANIEL HANDLER

I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire.
DANIEL HANDLER

They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses.
DANIEL HANDLER

Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn, and still you never learn what to say to s...
DANIEL HANDLER

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it tur...
DANIEL HANDLER

You either have the feeling or you don’t.
DANIEL HANDLER

And this note was a jittery time bomb, ticking beneath my normal life, in my pocket all day firecely...
DANIEL HANDLER

How wrong to think I was anyone else, like thinking grass stains make you a beautiful view, like get...
DANIEL HANDLER

It was a secret time and place, you next to me, untraceable and out of this world.
DANIEL HANDLER

And the truth is that I'm not, Ed, is what I wanted to tell you. I'm not arty like everyone s...
DANIEL HANDLER

I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.
DANIEL HANDLER

I'm telling you why we broke up, Ed. I'm writing this letter, the whole truth of why it happened. An...
DANIEL HANDLER

I’m not a romantic, I’m a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I’m smart. I’m not someth...
DANIEL HANDLER

Ed, it was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later and the...
DANIEL HANDLER

I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.
DANIEL HANDLER

I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy.
DANIEL HANDLER

Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.
DANIEL HANDLER

Why not rise from the grave and terrorize a little instead of staying buried and dead in the cemeter...
DANIEL HANDLER

Shit, I guess I already loved you then. Doomed like a wineglass knowing it’ll get dropped someday,...
DANIEL HANDLER

I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it th...
DANIEL HANDLER

How many happy people do you think there are in the world? Twelve?
DANIEL HANDLER

I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
DANIEL HANDLER

I write every day weekdays for about 5 hours, mostly longhand on legal pads. It has gotten neither h...
DANIEL HANDLER

Any playlist without Prince is no friend of mine.
DANIEL HANDLER

I can cook anything.
DANIEL HANDLER

I write longhand on legal pads, about half at home and half in cafes. I drink a lot of water and eat...
DANIEL HANDLER

I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it...
DANIEL HANDLER

I kind of always think my work is unfilmable, and when I meet people who are interested in filming i...
DANIEL HANDLER

I was not a particularly brave child, I think, because I had a narrative mind, because my mind autom...
DANIEL HANDLER

I listen to Morricone, the famed Italian film composer, while I'm working.
DANIEL HANDLER

You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once you reach a c...
DANIEL HANDLER

I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't participate as a ...
DANIEL HANDLER

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the ...
DANIEL HANDLER

'The Long Goodbye' is one book I like to read over and over again, and it was an enormous in...
DANIEL HANDLER

The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wo...
DANIEL HANDLER

So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers...
CHELSEA PERETTI

When my father announced his campaign for president on Oct. 3, 1991, I had already cast my vote in f...
CHELSEA CLINTON

There's something about the Pacific Northwest, the scale of it, and the fact that not so long ag...
CHELSEA CAIN

While watching the revelry in the Barn, I'd had an epiphany. Parties weren't just about who was who ...
CHELSEA SEDOTI

Unfortunately, it seems to me that when it comes to issues affecting the trans community, most peopl...
CHELSEA MANNING

Suffrage is not a right afforded to everyone. Rather, voting is a privilege in the United States - a...
CHELSEA MANNING

Wear an unusual accessory to complete your outfit.
CHELSEA LEYLAND

I've always been incredibly proud of both of my parents and proud of the work I had done private...
CHELSEA CLINTON

My grandmother, who passed away at the beginning of November, had a core adage in her life that '...
CHELSEA CLINTON

I hope telling stories though 'Making a Difference' - as in my academic work and nonprofit w...
CHELSEA CLINTON

The best thing about being a DJ is making people happy. There is nothing like seeing people get up f...
CHELSEA LEYLAND

Patriotism is often the cry extolled when morally questionable acts are advocated by those in power....
CHELSEA MANNING

I've been a huge fan of Marc Jacobs for many, many years, even going back to when I was wearing ...
CHELSEA MANNING

Having a birthday around the holidays was never easy and, with every successive year, it felt more a...
CHELSEA MANNING

My mother has often said that the issue of women is the unfinished business of the 21st century. Tha...
CHELSEA CLINTON

I believe that engaging in the political process is part of being a good person.
CHELSEA CLINTON

Oxford is wonderful. I'm having a great time. We do go out, but I still try to spend most of my ...
CHELSEA CLINTON

I certainly believe that all of my friends should have the right, as Marc and I did, to marry their ...
CHELSEA CLINTON

There's something else that my mother taught me, public service is about service. And, as her da...
CHELSEA CLINTON

I hope to make a positive, productive contribution, as cheesy as that may sound.
CHELSEA CLINTON

As a kid, I was pretty obsessed with dinosaurs and the day that my parents took me to Dinosaur Natio...
CHELSEA CLINTON

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

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Chelsea Handler

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Chelsea Handler

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