Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.

The best umpired game is the game in which the fans cannot recall the umpires who worked it.

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

You don't reinvent yourself; you get better with what you do.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.